Jillian stopped to swipe at her eyes before she continued.
“The first date they had, Pat came home, and told me Jo was it. They were thirteen, or maybe fourteen years old. They had been going to school together for a couple of years, had been friends just as long, but that first date had sealed the deal for him. Pat knew Jo was his forever. They had gone to the carnival, which is pretty much the first date of every single couple in this town, and he had kissed her on the Ferris wheel.”
Jillian stopped again, and I noticed her hands were shaking. She flashed a brief smile before she took another gulp of her drink and then started reading again. “With everything I went through, you both were always there. You always tried to make me feel included and gave me the space I needed when I wanted it. I know that it couldn’t have been easy at times when I was so moody, and when my mind went to seriously dark places. I am so lucky, Patrick, that you are my brother, and now I can officially call Jo my sister. Congratulations!”
When the tent exploded into applause, I took that as my chance to catch a some fresh air. Jillian didn’t need to do that for me. I was the biggest asshole in the world, and I did not deserve her.
“That was perfect, Hutch.” Jo’s voice drifted through my thoughts. “You need to make this right between the two of you.”
My shoulders slumped forward. “How? I married Madison.” I sighed as I glanced out over the water, watching the tide roll in.
“I don’t know, er, maybe a divorce? Annulment? One of those should do it. You still love Jill, and she loves you. She saved your ass out there.”
“Tell me something that I don’t already know.”
Jo moved so that she was facing me. “Why? Why did you marry Madison when Jill is the one you’re meant to be with? I don’t understand.” She placed her hands on her hips to stare up at me with eyes that matched her sister’s.
“I was furious with Jills for not giving me the answers that I had been waiting for. She was here, but not in my arms. She left without telling me goodbye. I loved her with everything I had, and my heart was broken,” I admitted. “It was childish, but I had my daughter to think about.”
“People have children all the time without getting married, Hutch,” Jo pointed out. “You should have told Jillian the truth before you slept with her. You hurt her.”
“I hurt her? What about me!” I yelled, not caring who heard. “You can’t just brush that under the rug, Jo. I trusted her. I gave her everything I had, and she fucking left. I gave Jillian my heart and she promised to make it work when she left. You know what, I’m not talking about this with you anymore.” I started to walk away only to have Jillian catch up with me.
“I need to talk to you before I leave.”
I stopped. “What do you meanleave? Are you going back to New York?” The thought had my head spinning.
“No, I just meant the wedding. I’m staying.” She licked her lips. “Here, in Ocean View. I bought the ballet studio. I should probably thank you for letting me know it was available.”
I stared down into Jillian’s face as the sound of the waves crashed behind us. “You’re staying.” I was going to have to see her every single day.
“Look, it doesn’t have to be weird or awkward with us. We can say hello on the streets. There will be family gatherings and stuff. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I ruined what we had. I regretted it the moment I walked out your door.”
“Don’t do that. Not now.”
Jillian threw her hands up. “I’m trying to apologize, Hutch! I fucked everything up, and I can’t go back to fix it now. You’re married. I want you to be happy. We can’t avoid one another forever. So I just want to start over with a clean slate. Can we do that? I’m sorry for the things I said to you when I was drunk, because you know I didn’t mean them.” I saw the way her chin trembled. How her eyes begged me to say yes.
I shook my head.
Her eyes wet wide. “What?” She stared at me. “Why not?” Jillian asked.
“Because I love you.” I grabbed the nape of her neck and brought my mouth down to hers to kiss her soft, plump lips. Jillian didn’t fight me, didn’t try to pull away, and I heard her moan softly when my tongue slipped between her lips. “If I can’t have you, how do you expect me to be your friend, Jilly?” I pulled back. “We can never be just friends. The thought of you with someone else makes me see red,” I warned.
Jillian nostrils flared. “You would rather ignore me?” She narrowed her eyes. “You would rather punish me for something I have done nothing but apologize for since I returned, then tried to make things civilized between us? I just saved your ass back there, Hutch.”
A piece of my heart cracked off inside my chest. If I couldn’t have Jillian, couldn’t love her the way I wanted, I would rather she hate me. “Yes.” My voice caught in my throat. “Thank you for everything you have done for me.” I patted her shoulder. “You’re a good person.” I just couldn’t have her near me. Not right now and probably not in my future either. “Good luck,” I added before I headed back inside the tent, making sure not to turn around because I was sure if I did I would chicken out.
I grabbed Madison from her chair to drag her out onto the dance floor and danced with her the rest of the wedding. I noticed Knox a couple of times, but I didn’t care to spy on him, only because I didn’t want to knock him out. This wasn’t my wedding after all. If Jillian wanted to date him, that wasn’t my problem. I had my own demons to work out.
Later that night, when I was lying in bed with Madison, who passed out before she could try to get me to sleep with her, I choked back tears and realized what a mess my life had become. I hated myself for letting Jillian get away again, but I only had myself to blame.
