Her gaze sharpened. “What you speak of requires great sacrifice, one of which I will never help you in achieving. Any attempt to make him stronger at this point will only make youweaker. I wouldn’t recommend it, lest you wish to join him in death.”
Charlie released my hand like it burned. “I’m going to be sick,” he said, shooting up from the sofa and heading for the front door.
I jumped up too, following him. The tightness in my chest had grown unbearable. “Charlie, wait.”
The mugs of tea rattled against the serving tray, and one of the lamp lights popped, shorting out as he passed by. “Sorry,” he said, voice full of despair. “I’m sorry.”
His outline flickered. He scrambled for the front door handle, but his fingers kept slipping through, unable to grip the knob. “Ican’t,”he said, choking back emotion.
My hand fell through his shoulder when I tried to steady him. “It’s okay,” I said, reaching around to open the door.
He stumbled out onto the front walkway, startled at the sight of a passing car before darting around to the side of the house, tucked away in the dark.
“Charlie!” I called, jogging after him. The pounding in my head had increased significantly since we’d arrived. “Hold on!”
I turned the corner to find him dry heaving into the bushes. “Baby, it’ll be alright.” I soothed my hand over his back, firm again under my touch. “It’s going to be fine.”
“I didn’t know,” he croaked, straightening to look at me. “I didn’t know, Reece. I would never,ever?—”
I gripped both of his shoulders. Desperation burrowed into my chest and squeezed. “I know that. I know you wouldn’t do that.I know you, Charlie. But I don’t resent this. I told you, I’ddo anything to keep you here. I’d give you anything. If you need to be tied to me, so be it! We’ll figure it out?—”
Charlie shook his head, fingers digging into my shirt. “Reece.”
“We’ll ask someone else,” I continued, ignoring him. “I’m sure Viola knows more than she’s saying?—”
“Reece.”
“I’ll extend my sabbatical, or get permission to work remotely. We’ll stay at the lookout through winter. Or, you could come live with me in Missoula, and we’ll find someone there who can help?—”
“Reece!”
“What?” I hollered, unable to bear the way he kept shaking his head.
His face was marred with an emotion I refused to name. “You can’t do that. You can’t give up your life like that.”
Anger found me again, heating my cheeks and wetting my eyes. “Yes, I can. It’s mine, and I want to spend it with you. I don’t care if you need my energy, or life force, or whatever the fuck that quack was talking about.I don’t care!”
Charlie pushed forward, hands braced against my chest. I took a step back. His eyes were filled with fat, angry tears, too. “You’re so goddamn stubborn! I refuse to be the reason you spend your life chasing impossible things. I refuse to take so much from you; you deserve better than that. You say you’re fine with it now, but what happens in the future? What if you get sick, or resent me? I won’t tether myself to you like this. I would’ve never done it if I understood what was happening. Especially not to stay like this,” he thrust out his see-through palms, choking on a sob. “Not for this farce of an existence.”
I grabbed each hand in mine. “You haven’t taken anything from me,” I growled, dragging him into my chest and wrapping my arms tight around him. “Igaveit to you. You’ve brought meback to life! You’ve made me want tolive, Charlie, and I gave you my heart freely. Take it. It’s yours. It will always be yours. No matter the cost.”
He didn’t hug me back. The pit in my stomach yawned open, like I could already feel him slipping away.
“Reece…” he said, pulling back. His eyes were deep and endless and broken. “I care about you far too much to ever accept that. I lo?—”
“Stop,” I snarled through my tears, cutting him off. “Stop it. Don’t say that. You don’t get to say that yet.Not yet.”
Charlie covered his mouth and looked away. “I wanted to stay with you so much,” he finally choked out. “Even like this. Even if it meant I could never have a normal relationship with your friends or family, or we couldn’t go places together, or someday you’d pass away like everyone else, and I’d still be stuck here, like this. Even then… I would’ve snatched up that life with you, because you’re worth it. You’re so worth it. But not like this. Not at the expense of your life or your health. I won't take that from you.”
I shook my head. “No.” I reached out, begging, and when he fell into my arms and held me back, something inside me snapped.
No longer did I plead alone for Charlie to stay, but the Thing did, too.
Together, we protested and wailed. We flayed our chest open so Charlie could see everything—all the bruised and broken pieces. We’d never been two separate entities in the first place, and it’d taken Charlie caring for me, for all of me, to see it. “No, I don’t accept that. I don’t.”
He squeezed me tighter, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck. “It’s not fair,” I sobbed. “It’s not fair you’re dead, and it’s not fair we couldn’t have met like a normal couple. It’s not fair everything you wanted in life was cut short, and it’s not fairmy health got fucked over. But then I found you, we found each other, and now I can’t do it without you. I don’t accept it without you. I’d take all of it over and over and over again if I could just have you. I’ll stay in that lookout forever if it means I get to be with you.”
Charlie wept, tears streaming down his face. “I’d endure it all again, too, if only to meet you again. All the injustice in my life can’t compare to the gift it’s been to know you. To be loved by you.”
