“Okay…” started Julien. Maybe it was okay. Maybe Bradley was ringing as they’d left some socks behind? Maybe Julien had accidentally gone too far in his kitchen reorganisation, and Bradley couldn’t find his tin opener?
“Tyler didn’t come home last night. Bradley also filled me in on what happened yesterday with you and Tyler, when you went back into the flat.”
“Cinn… I was going to explain. I tried to tell you yesterday,” Julien began, his traitorous voice trembling.
Lightning flashing in his eyes, Cinn jumped to his feet, body noticeably shaking. He tore a hand through his hair. “Why, Julien, why? Why the fuck would you do all that? Why would you do that to him? To me?”
Because he goaded me into it.
Because he was saying the most ridiculous lies.
Because you’ve made me lose my mind.
Because I want nothing else more than you, and I was worried he was standing in the way.
Because I’m a selfish prick.
“I know,” Julien croaked out. “I know I should have asked you before I gave him the money. It was a random last minute decision that I now regret.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me as soon as you got in the taxi? Oh wait, I know, because you also told him some random bullshit about me never seeing him again and beingyoursnow.”
Julien’s face flushed. “What?! I never said that! Well, notexactly.” He definitelyhadsaid the last part. The semantics didn’t matter now though—tears shone in Cinn’s eyes and Julien hated himself.Loathedhimself with every fibre of his being. “You’re completely right. I fucked up. I have no excuses for my behaviour.”
He stepped towards Cinn, fissures running through his stuttering heart when he flinched away from him.
“I’m notyours,Julien.”
Julien’s heart exploded into tiny pieces. He dropped to his knees, his throat closing so tightly he barely got out, “What if I want you to be? So badly it hurts? So badly I did a stupid, stupid thing?”
“Jesus fucking Christ! Did you ever think about… I don’t know, just asking me out on a date like a normal fucking person rather than threatening and bribing my ex?” An awful sound of pure frustration poured out of Cinn’s mouth as he tore his hand through his hair. “Do you realise that if Tyler’s gone on a massive bender with that money, he could already be dead.Dead, Julien!”
Cinn stormed towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Home, to ring Bradley back. To see if Tyler’s turned up yet. He took the entire stash of money out with him, so God knows where he’s ended up.”
Without a single glance back, Cinn marched out of the room, slamming the door behind him, then slamming the front door even harder a few moments later.
Silence.
Julien released a choked sob as his head hit the carpet. He pressed his knuckle into his mouth.
In the months that followed his mother’s death, then the months that followed Béatrice’s, he’d become very adept at forcing himself to disassociate, to float away on a hazy cloud of nothingness when his emotions got too turbulent.
There was no such luck today. Sharp daggers of pain assaulted every molecule of his being, twisting themselves into him again and again as his mind showed him only one image: the expression of pure hurt and devastation on Cinn’s face.
Streams of tears poured out of him. Rivers. Oceans.
Then, from his position curled up in a ball on the floor, he spied a lump of soft, olive green material. He released a low, pathetic moan as he reached for Cinn’s beanie, pressing it to his face to inhale the citrusy scent of Cinn’s shampoo before clutching it to his chest.
What could have been hours passed.
Julien remained motionless, staring up at his ceiling.
The phone rang once, then again shortly after.
It wasn’t until the banging on the door began that Julien pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his tear-stained cheeks.
