He shook his head.
Julien steeled himself. “And did you ask about… the Arcane Purifiers?”
Cinn’s face shifted subtly as he controlled his expression, but gave himself away by biting his lip. Clenching his fists together, Julien pressed until he could feel the sting of his fingernails.
“I did. She didn’t want to tell me anything about them. I mentioned the attack on Auri, and then she asked if you were angry with her.”
A sudden lump in his throat had Julien turning to face the fire, unwilling to allow the others to see the emotions that were brimming underneath his surface, threatening to spill.
A hand fell upon his shoulder. “Hey. Come with me for a cigarette?”
Julien rose to follow Cinn out of the room, the pair remaining silent all the way to the garden bench.
There was only one cigarette left in the packet that Cinn offered him. Julien lit it, inhaled, then passed it to Cinn.
Cinn leaned back against the bench, blowing rings of smoke into the sky. “I’ll never get over being able to see the stars here,” he said dreamily. “I didn’t know what I was missing in London.”
“They’re beautiful,” Julien murmured in response, forcing his gaze up to appreciate them, and their gentle twinkle calmed him at once.
“I told Béatrice that you weren’t angry at her at all. I told her how much you loved her.”
Julien swallowed. “Thank you.” The thought of her alone in death believing that was too much to bear.
“Do you think we can help her… move on, eventually?”
Cinn snorted. “What, into ‘the light’? I did try that for a bit, a few years after I started slipping. None of the ghosts I’ve ever spoken to have ever seen any light. I don’t think it’s actually a thing. Anyway, apparently she wants to be an ugly cat for a bit, anyway.”
“She didn’t really like cats,” Julien mused. “She liked dogs more.”
“Well, an eyeless dog would be even more terrifying, so I’m glad she went cat.”
Julien considered him, smiling. Cinn grinned back, and for a stretching moment, they remained like that, two paralysed statues, each awaiting the other’s next move.
Then Cinn shuffled across the bench towards Julien to hook his ankle around his. “I’m sorry about earlier. When I accused you of only wanting to fuck me so that I’d keep trying to reach Béatrice.”
Julien flinched at the memory, the crass language. “Maybe it’s not entirely your fault. I clearly don’t always give off the right impression.”
“No—”
Silencing Cinn by grabbing his hand, Julien continued, “I want to clarify that it’s one hundred percentnotthe case. I have many, many reasons for wanting to fuck you, and none of them are related to my sister.” Julien interlaced their fingers.Besides,I want to do so much more than fuck you, beautiful boy.
Cinn flicked the remnants of the dead cigarette into the ashtray. “What sort of reasons?”
His eyes were molten pools of gold that Julien wanted to swim in. Closing the space between them, Julien tugged on Cinn’s hat.
“Your beanie look is kind of cute, even though that grey one was so ratty and definitely needed a wash.”Preferablyburn it, and keep my one on your head forever.
A cackle of laughter, eyes sparkling with delight. “Wow, your bar is really low if all it takes is a ratty beanie hat.”
Julien dropped his hand to cup Cinn’s cheek, stroking his bottom lip with his thumb. “Your smile is fucking gorgeous.”
Cinn wasn’t laughing now. He was staring at Julien like he was the first one to ever say that to him. And Julien hoped desperately that it was true.
Clutching Cinn’s baggy hoodie, he continued, “You dress like a ragamuffin but I sort of love it. And you’ve got a heart of gold. So much purer than mine could ever be.”
Julien brushed his knuckles across Cinn’s jaw, relishing the way his eyelashes fluttered closed in response.
“You call me out on my shit. You see me.”And I think, if I managed to let you in, you’d make me feel safe.
