“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re easier to talk to than I ever would have guessed. Like when you talked to me about my parents and their divorce shit. I’m glad I talked to you about it that night.”
“I haven’t asked because I didn’t want to press, but how is that going?”
Ugh. This went real fast from a really hot night to a not-so-hot conversation. “I can’t say it’s reallygoingat all. I haven’t gotten together with my parents. I’ve talked to them on the phone, but…I don’t know.” I hesitate, but given what we’re doing now, I don’t really see a reason in keeping secrets from Mart. “It’s not only that, really. Before they told me the news, I was planning to tell them I don’t want to play after college.”
“What? Really?” He looks about as shocked as when he realized we enjoyed kissing each other.
“Is that so weird?”
“You’ve got to be a sure thing for pro, right? I don’t know shit about football, but the way the guys talked about you after that NFL thing…”
“The Combine? Yeah. I did pretty good.”
“I heard it was better than that. Like, were you as good as you are at blowing a guy?”
“Even better.”
“Oh, wow,” he teases, and I can tell he’s trying to cheer me up. “Seriously, though. What’s the issue?”
I quiet, thinking through all the shit I’ve kept to myself since the Combine. “It feels like I did it already. And the schedule’s wild. I don’t want to spend the next several years of my life training and playing.”
“What would you do instead?”
“I enjoy working at the shop. I wouldn’t mind doing that for a bit, see where that takes me. But…it’s a lot of change, really fast. Now that they’re getting a divorce, I’ve been having second thoughts. Wondering if it would be better to not have everything in my life change next year, you know?”
His gaze is distant as he says, “Better than you might think,” and I can tell by his somber expression there’s more to it. A lot more.
Now he’s got me curious. “Anything you want to talk about?”
His mouth opens like he’s about to say something, but then he purses his lips, as if determined to keep it in. I don’t intend to push, but finally he says, “When my brother was twelve, we were supposed to go visit our cousins. I wound up sick that weekend, so I stayed home. While he was on the trip, our cousins got the bright idea to get out the ATVs and take them through the woods. My brother was on the back of one when it flipped, and…” He chokes up before continuing, “He was in the hospital for a while, and when he got out, he couldn’t walk, and it was a very difficult time for him…for our family.”
I knew his brother was in a wheelchair, since he’s visited the Alpha Theta Mu house a few times, but I didn’t know any of these details. And I really feel for the guy.
“I’m so sorry, Mart,” I say, sliding my hand up from his abs to his side and gripping gently.
He rests his hand on top of mine, doesn’t even seem to notice he’s doing it as he tears up. “It was dark for a while. He wasdepressed, which I think anybody would be. And we had to help him a lot in the beginning. Gradually, things got better, and now he’s totally fine and doesn’t even want me to help him with shit. He’s so much stronger than I would’ve been if it’d happened to me. I’m so proud of him, but…” He stops himself, and I can tell there’s something else lingering on his mind.
“What?” I press.
“I can’t ever stop thinking that had I been there, I would’ve stopped them.”
My jaw drops. He blames himself for what happened to his brother. Suddenly his obsession with safety and rules makes a lot more sense.
“Oh, Mart.” I flip my hand over, gripping his gently. “You know that’s not how it works.”
“He shouldn’t have been on that ATV. I would have stopped it. I could have stopped all this. Saved him all this pain. Fuck.” He bats at his eyes with the back of his free hand. “Sorry, that was not what I was expecting to get into. I wanted to say that I know what it’s like to have your whole life—everything you knew about it and everything you thought it would be—change in an instant.”
“I’m glad you told me. You know, despite what you think of me, I’m actually a good listener too.”
“I’m learning…slowly but surely.” He snickers. “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now.”
I shrug. “I’ll figure it out. That’s what college is all about, right? Now roll.”
“What?”
“Roll. I’m gonna cuddle you. You look like you could use a good cuddle, and I could use one too.”
