My prolonged silence is a resounding no. Keeping the people I love from worrying about me has always been my main priority. It’s why I didn’t tell Kenneth how hurt I was after things ended with Shay, because he would’ve hopped on a plane to be with me. It’s why I hide the cracks from Mallory, because she loves harder than anyone I know and would put her life on pause to be there for me. It’s why I never tell Mom how Ithink about quitting every damn day, because she sacrificed so much to get me to this point, and I can’t let her down. It’s why I stopped talking to Jimmy, because I didn’t want him to see how unhappy I was after years of loving baseball.
“It’s easier this way,” is all I can say.
“Easy? Sounds exhausting if you ask me.” Armin’s words reignite the fatigue I’ve carried for years. “Do you know what a martyr is?”
His question takes me by surprise. “Someone who sacrifices their own needs and desires for others.”
“Exactly. The guy who always smiles. The guy seen as perfect and effortlessly happy. The guy with no issues. The guy who’s golden.” The notebook closes with a quiet thud. “Can you see how those titles could damage an identity? Could cause confusion and doubt?”
I squeeze the pillow in my arms. “Asking the hard-hitting questions today, huh?” Armin’s brow arches, waiting for me to continue, so I do. “I can see how it can be damaging, but I have shown one person. My agent. She knows more about my feelings than anybody else.”
His neutral expression shifts into one of surprise. “How did she respond when she saw the Cade that nobody else sees?”
“Perfectly.”
“Do you feel like it dragged her down and made her life harder by helping you?”
“Not at all.”
He leans forward. “And why do you think that?”
“Because she told me so, and I trust her. All I needed to do was tell her what was going on, and she listened. She cares aboutme, not the golden boy.” I swallow hard. “Just me.”
Shay has always seen me. It’s the reason I hid from her.
It’s the reason I’ll always love her.
“What did it feel like to be seen like that? Like the real Cade?”
My eyes sting as Reed’s word comes to mind. “Honestly? I felt free.”
A smile, the first one ever, appears as Armin looks straight into the camera. “Then it sounds like you’re on the right path to finding yourself without the title and labels, Cade. And surrounding yourself with people who seeyou. That’s the best thing you can do.”
Why did nobody tell me therapy is emotionally and mentally draining?
I crawl out of bed and nearly trip over my suitcase. The Pilots leave for Washington D.C. bright and early tomorrow, and I’m ready to get back on the field. Marcus and Dawson are equally excited, unrelenting with messages and reminders of what to bring, as if I’ve been gone for months instead of a little over two weeks.
It’s Shay’s all-client dinner tonight that has me nervous.
With a stretch session and hot shower on my mind, I open the front door and grab the package that contains my massage gun. But something leaning against my porch railing makes me halt. Then I spot those assessing eyes topped with caterpillar brows, and the air grows thick with history.
History I have no interest in rehashing.
Jon pushes his foot into the gap before I can close the door. “Come on, Cade! Don’t do this. You haven’t answered my messages, so I had to try the old-fashioned way.”
I scoff at the use of my first name. “Get lost.”
“Just give me five minutes!” he pleads, slamming his palms together.
There isn’t a chance in hell I’m letting him inside for a second.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I set a timer. “Five minutes.”
A relieved sigh rumbles out of him as I free his trapped foot and he bends down to inspect the expensive shoe. “I was hoping things hadn’t changed too much, but I guess everything I heard was true. You’re not talking to media. You benched yourself. Can’t believe it only took three months for you to fuck everything up.”
“I fucked everything up?” The words rush out of me. “You’re not going to come to my house, demand my time, and then talk to me like this. It’s why I fired you, remember?”
Broad shoulders sag. “That’s why I’m here. To fix things.”
