A quiet laugh escapes. “So, it’s okay to break the rules whenyouwant answers, Agent Shay?”
Her smile is weak. “Some things are worth breaking the rules for.”
I wish that kissing her, hugging her, and holding her close were worth breaking the rules for, but anything I get with Shaylene Turner is enough for me.
“On three,” I say, lifting my fist.One, two, three.
“Four!” I say at the same time she blurts “Six!”
Winning doesn’t feel as nice tonight. Maybe it’s because the thought of holding something back from her doesn’t seem like a victory. Telling her everything is all I want to do.
“I thought it would feel better when I finally made it,” I whisper.
The couch dips as she moves closer. “Talk me through your feelings. There’s no judgement here.”
It’s crazy how I believe those words when she says them. There’s no fear that she will twist my confession and eventually use it against me.
Not like Jon.
“I’ve worked my whole life for this moment. I moved across the country, forfeited finishing my degree, and gave up so much to get to this point.” A dry laugh slips out. “When Dawson said my name, I was confused, but I also felt validated. For leaving and pushing and hiding and dealing with everything.”
Shay nods for me to continue. “Then . . .”
“Then I got home and felt empty. Getting to this point was supposed to be the moment where everything clicked. I’d feel whole. Relieved. Proud. Brighter.” My head bumps against the back of the couch. “I thought I’d finally feel like the person I’m supposed to be, but I feel more lost than ever. If I’m not ecstatic after getting this massive opportunity, what does that say about me?”
She almost touches me. Almost. But then she pulls back and sits on her hands. “It means you’re human. You’ve spent your life working for this opportunity, literally chasing greatness. But now you’re looking for the meaning. And sometimes, meaning doesn’t hit all at once.”
“Human? No.” I swallow hard. “I don’t get to be human. It’s either play the part of the happy golden boy or lose it all. There’s no other choice.”
“That’s not true.” The argument is gentle yet unshakeable. “There’s always a choice. It’s usually just not fun to make. You can either keep living as the golden boy, or you can just be Cade. Embrace mess-ups and imperfections. And screw what everyone else wants.”
I laugh. “Sounds easy when you put it like that.”
She laughs too. “We both know it’s not, but we’ll figure it out. Together.”
Shay’s presence and support soothes me, and before I can stop it, my real fear slips out. “And what if baseball is all I am?”
“That’s impossible, Cade. You’re a dedicated son and brother. The best friend to two people I love very much, and Adri and Jo’s de facto big brother. The first person I loved. And none of that is because you play baseball.” As her finger lands over my heart, it finds my heartbeat, and time seems to hold its breath with me. “It’s because ofyouand this amazing heart you have.”
Everything she said makes my chest ache in the best way, but one part outshines the rest.
“You loved me?” I choke out.
Her lips part just enough to betray the laugh she’s holding in. “I should’ve known that would be the only thing you heard.”
It would be so easy to pull her against me right now. The Shay-sized hole in my heart has been waiting for her to crawl back into my arms so I can do it right this time and never let go. This is the perfect time to tell her she’s the only woman I’ve ever loved.
Who I still love.
There’s only a foot between us now. The smell of chocolate on her breath hits me, probably from her nightly snack of frozen dark chocolate chips. If she opened my freezer, she’d find the bag I eat from when I miss her.
Which, I’m not embarrassed to admit, is every day.
“Cade,” she whispers, but it’s weak, like how I am for her.
“I missed you, Shay ba—”
A shrill ring slices through my words, and Shay scrambles to the other end of the couch. I already know it’s Mom. She’s likely checking in after I rushed off the phone.
