Icy water hit my face—I gasped and blinked back into awareness. Others groaned around me as General Cleandro threw water on all of us from the front of the room.
Hallelujah, it’s raining men(I was awake but not functional).
I greedily licked the moisture off my lips, desperate to quench my thirst.
“Your test starts now,” General Cleandro snapped. “Wake up and stop acting like pathetic humans—or would you rather run the circuit?”
Is this a trick question?
“TEST! NOW!” His voice boomeranged around the cave-like classroom.
Papers shuffled.
“SOLVE THE PROBLEMS!”
Sucking in air through my teeth, I squinted at the numbers until they stopped dancing around the page, blurry and barely comprehensible. Ever so slowly, I solved equations.
I found the properties shared between polynomials.
Formalized the sequences into patterns of repeating numerals.
Established their parallel correspondence.
Constructed an axiomatic system.
Doodled a small penis.
“TIME’S UP.”
I stared with horror at the detailed, graphic image I’d drawn in the corner of the page.
General Cleandro took the packet off my lap—that’s not good.
Then I fell over.
Ice-cold water was dumped on my head, and I sputtered awake.
“Here’s your next test.” General Cleandro handed me another packet. “Keep it together, initiate. Try not to—draw, this time.”
Dear God . . .it’s me again.
I nodded jerkily, unable to form the words to explain to him that I wasn’t a pervert and it wasn’t what it looked like.
Actually—it was exactly what it looked like.
I needed to trade my kidney for a Spartan firearm.
“BEGIN YOUR SECOND TEST NOW!” General Cleandro bellowed.
My left ear burned with excruciating feedback, and I went to cover it, but I couldn’t lift my arm above my lap.Nice.
Breathing deeply, trying not to pass out, I focused on the Latin words scrawled across the top of the page: “Write an essay in Latin on sirens and their intelligence and role in Spartan society.”
Easy.
I scribbled messily: “Sirens are smarter than Spartans and speak their own language; however, Sparta is a bigoted society, which prejudices them for having exaggerated secondary sex characteristics, aka, sirens have big breasts and big penises, which is likely rooted in male chauvinistic jealousy (from the Spartans, not the sexy sirens). Most things in life are...”
“TIME’S UP.”
