“A’bbni, please. However much you care for me, please don’t let me take you away from him.”
Lai’s voice was so sincere, it was actually startling. A’bbni let out a soft breath. “I won’t.”
“Promise?” Lai sat up and held up his hand in a fist.
A’bbni blinked in surprise, but he mirrored the action, touching his wrist to Lai’s. “I swear it,” he said, opening his fingers and bringing his palm to his chest.
Lai gave him a weak smile. “Thank you.” He reached to lightly stroke A’bbni’s curls with his fingers before they drifted over the length of his ear. “You know I don’t want to hurt you.”
A’bbni leaned into his touch, his eyes half-closing. “Nor I you. Nor do I seek to replace Talen in your heart.” Lai’s fingers stilled for just a moment at that before he shifted to sit and hug his knees to his chest as he stared across the room, seemingly at nothing. A’bbni swallowed hard. “If your life is elsewhere, Lai, I understand.”
He stayed quiet, just watching Lai breathe for a long time before Lai finally said, without turning to him, “A’bbni, I… I’ve only known you a few days. And… I already know I want to love you. But I have lost everyone in my life that I ever loved. That makes it very hard, knowing that they could suddenly be gone, and I’d be alone again.”
A’bbni could feel tears gathering in his eyes. “I… I have never been in a long relationship like you were, and nothing I have ever felt for anyone compares to what you have lost. I would never want to be the cause of that pain for you.”
Lai swallowed hard, and A’bbni waited, his heart beating a little too rapidly in his chest. “I never had a brother,” Lai finally said. “At least, not one that I ever knew. But I imagine the connection you have with Shi’chen is similar to what I lost when Talen died. I have never felt pain like that in my life, and it has never gone away.”
A’bbni felt his breath catch as he remembered when he had to leave the stable for the docks, wondering if he would ever see his brother again. He could only imagine what it would have felt like if he had not been reunited with Shi’chen, had suddenly been completely alone in the world, with no one he knew to turn to for help or comfort as he grieved. He wrapped his arms around Lai’s chest, resting his cheek on the half-elf’s smooth, muscular back. “You do not have to love me, Lai. It would be enough for you to be my friend.”
“Would that really be enough?” Lai still wasn’t looking at him.
A’bbni felt tears prickle his lashes, but he forced them back. “If that is what you want.”
Lai lowered his head down to press his forehead against his knees. “It’s not.”
A’bbni gave him a gentle hug and stroked his fingers through Lai’s hair. “You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to Lai’s bare shoulder. “Not ever. I know you don’t want to hurt me, and I don’t ever want to hurt you. But I think neither of us would want the other to be unhappy.”
Lai was silent again, and A’bbni just rested his cheek against his shoulder, listening to Lai’s breathing until the half-elf shifted around to pull him into his arms. Their lips met in a soft, chaste kiss before A’bbni pulled back. “You… you should get some sleep,” he said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as wavery as it felt. “Tomorrow is going to be busy.”
Lai nodded and shifted to lie down, pulling A’bbni down next to him. A’bbni curled against his chest, a few tears gliding silently down his jawline as he wondered if this would be the last night he ever spent in Lai’s arms
The next morning, Lai was up and taking a bath by the time A’bbni woke. Zea’dda had breakfast delivered to their rooms to give them a chance to rest longer before the meeting later that afternoon, and Shi’chen joined him. They sat on the floor cushions, though neither of them really felt much like eating.
A’bbni glanced up at his brother over a cup of tea that he had barely touched. “I have to ask while we’re alone, i-sha. Do you want to assume the throne?”
Shi’chen blinked. “What?”
“You are the heir presumptive after En’shea. Following the line of succession, it would be you who would become Emperor.”
Shi’chen sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I know…”
“But?” A’bbni prompted.
“You know I do not want it, i-sha. I’m a guard. But…” Shi’chen reached out and took A’bbni’s hand in his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know you want to be a physician. If you want to pursue that, I will take the throne.”
A’bbni glanced down at their joined hands. The thought of not continuing his studies was a painful stab in his heart, and he found that, for a moment, he could not breathe. He felt Shi’chen squeeze his hand when he did not respond, and he took a deep breath, setting down the teacup with as much poise as he could. “I want to help people and alleviate suffering. I can do that as an Emperor just as well as I could as a physician.”
Shi’chen gazed back into his ember eyes. “Are you sure that is what you want, i-sha?”
A’bbni gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand back. “Yes,” he said, hoping the falsehood was not obvious in his voice. He had never deliberately lied to his brother in his life, and it felt bitter on his tongue. If that was what the people wanted, he was not going to let them down. There was too much turmoil for that right now. Hanenea’a needed competent leadership, and without someone at the helm to guide it, and especially without the Imperial Senate in place, their entire way of life could come crashing down. And while Shi’chen was a brilliant fighter, he was not good at court politics, and his desire to not rule would be obvious to everyone. A’bbni’s heart ached in his chest as he felt his future plans blow away like sand scattered on a breeze, and he had to take a deep breath to steady his nerves. “I will do it. But if I am the Emperor, I want you to be my Commander of the palace guard.”
Shi’chen’s eyes widened in surprise. “I-sha… I… I am way too young to be the Commander.”
“No, you are not,” A’bbni replied. “And the job of the Commander is to be someone the Emperor can trust. And who do I trust more than you?”
Shi’chen shook his head again, taking A’bbni’s hand. “I know that, but… I have not earned it. I am your brother.”
“How have you not earned it?” A’bbni asked, raising a brow. “You withstood capture and torture, you traveled across the continent, you’re preparing a plan to capture a dangerous criminal. That sounds like someone I would want to have by my side, and it is my choice whom I want to trust with my life.” He did not bother to add that in no way would Hi’jan continue to be Commander under him; he was sure Shi’chen already understood that part of it.
