He sucked in a noisy breath, expelled it, then muttered, “It’ll pass.”
He repeated the phrase in a hoarse whisper over and over. “It’ll pass. It’ll pass. It’ll—fuck.” A wheeze escaped him.
I lowered myself to my knees, keeping my distance. “It’ll pass,” I said softly.
“It’ll pass,” he repeated, voice a little stronger.
“Yes,” I said. “It’ll pass.”
“Fuck, I hate this,” he muttered.
“Baby, I know. I’m so sorry.” I inched forward, moving slowly. “Tell me how to help.”
He didn’t answer, eyes clenching shut. His breathing sped up again. As a teacher, I’d had to calm down upset, panicky students a few times. It wasn’t the same as a full-blown panic attack, but it was what I knew.
“Holden, deep breaths,” I said. “Slow breaths. In through your nose. Out through your mouth.”
He breathed in, following my instructions.
“Is there medicine for this? Something I can get you from the car, maybe?”
He shook his head, exhaling noisily, then sucking in another breath too quickly.
“Okay, nice, slow breaths, Holden.” I edged closer, breathing deep and slow, hoping he’d match my rhythm. “Should I leave? Would it be better?”
“Just…stay.”
He’d placed one hand flat on the floor. His other squeezed his key chain in his hand so tightly it left impressions in his skin. With his thumb, he traced the shape of the metal panda over and over.
That gave me an idea.
I pulled out my phone. “Want to watch a video?”
He blinked glazed eyes at me. “Wh-what?”
“Pandas.” I pulled up a reel. I’d started saving them because Holden liked them. “I found a new one.”
I eased over beside him, not too close, and hit Play on the video.
Pandas tumbled and wrestled and fell out of trees while we breathed together. When one video ended, I started the next. Beside me, Holden’s breathing gradually evened out. His trembles slowed.
But I had too much time to think. To replay what had just happened. To realize it was all my fault.
I’d brought this trouble into Holden’s life. He’d suffered so much already. He didn’t deserve to suffer for my mistakes too. Brick and Curtis weren’t just going to go away, and I couldneverlet this happen again.
I loved Holden too damn much.
Tears pricked at my eyes. I tried and failed to muffle a sob.
“Don’t cry,” Holden murmured.
The fact that he was hurting so much and tellingmenot to cry made the waterworks really start up. I gasped for breath. “Shit. Ignore me.”
He blew out a heavy breath. “It’s getting better.”
Tears dripped down my face, and I turned away. I didn’t want to make matters worse with my pity party. I needed to pull it together and be strong for Holden.
“Good,” I said with forced cheer. “That’s really good.”
