“I know none of this has been easy for you,” I said tentatively. “But we’ve been going slow, and that’s been working. You push when you’re ready. You shouldn’t force it because you’re jealous.”
He smiled wryly. “Not a good look, huh?”
“No.But it’s also really stupid, Holden. You’re worried aboutthatguy?” I waved my hand toward the computer. “He’s inprison. He made me a target. My life is a mess because of him.”
“He almost had you convinced to run home with the promise of getting back together.”
“I don’t want to get back together with him! I just don’t want him to die. Is that so wrong?”
“No, of course not. I don’t blame you,” Holden said. “Even if you did want him?—”
“Listen to me for a second, Holden. I know you’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. You’re used to being in charge, being in control. But right now,youneed to listen tome.”
His eyes widened a fraction, but he didn’t argue. “I’m listening.”
“I love you. I don’t want him. I don’t want anyone else.”
He looked away, but he couldn’t hide his pain. “I can’t give you what other men can.”
“You give memore.”
He lifted his gaze, wary and hopeful.
“Holden, you respect me, and you care about me, and you love me. You show me in dozens of little ways. And you do all of those things without sex on the table. Do you know how rare it is to find that in a guy?”
“I guess not.”
“Well, it is. It’s really special. So, please don’t ruin it, okay? I like sex, but I love you. If we ever get more intimate, it’ll be amazing, but we have so much already. And the idea of youforcingyourself to touch me, of hurting while you do?—”
I broke off, heart wrenching painfully in my chest.
“I’m sorry,” Holden said, reaching out to touch me. He didn’t look ready to be touching anyone, though, and I wasn’t ready for a repeat of his earlier reaction.
I pulled back, avoiding his hand.
He looked shocked. Then crushed. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know,” I said softly. “You wanted to hurt yourself. I’m not okay with that.”
“I didn’twantto hurt anyone,” he argued. “I just…I was afraid of losing you.”
I met his gaze. Tried to convey everything I felt in one look. “Next time, believe me when I say I’m happy with you, with whatever it means to be with you. Whatever we can have together, that’s what I want.”
“I will,” he rasped. “It’s just…it’s hard. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting something easier.”
“Easier isn’t always better, though. In fact, it’s usually not.”
“You’re right.” He nudged Banshee off his lap and stood up. He was a little shaky, but he seemed steady enough.
I rose to my feet too.
“Can you forgive me, Shy?” he asked tentatively. “I really am sorry I went too far.”
I sighed. I was being too hard on him. Holden had struggled with touch aversion for years. He just wanted what came so easily to other people. I couldn’t fault him for that. I wished I could fix it for him, that I could be the magic answer that would allow him everything he wanted as soon as he wanted it.
But I was just a guy who loved him. All I could really do was stand by him, even when it was hard. Even when he was sad or frustrated or angry.
Holden didn’t deserve the trauma he’d been dealt, but it was something he’d always carry with him. It was part of him. And if I was going to love him, I had to love all of him.
