Makenna crushed him to her chest, holding him close while she looked up at me and asked, “Are you okay, Sunny?”
I squinted at her, less in disapproval that she’d lied to all of us—including Chan—for weeks (well, maybe a bit in disapproval), but more to focus my swimming vision. “I’m fine,” I lied.
After giving Sai a kiss on his head, she rose to her feet. “Thank you,” she said, her voice cracking, “for protecting Sai. Thank you.”
“No problem,” I said with a shake of my head, the motion making me so dizzy the ground heaved beneath my feet. “But I think I need to lie down.”
Grabbing my elbow to steady me, Makenna said, “You look like you’re about to fall over. Let’s get you both to the shuttle.”
Despite my aching head, blurry vision, and rubbery, adrenaline-wrecked muscles, I strode upright past the FFK. They were all on their knees, all cuffed the same way I’d spent the last forty-eight hours. And for a moment, for all but Reya, I let myself appreciate the symmetry.
“Sunny,” Sai shouted, entering the shuttle in front of me. “There’s food!” He ran back to his seat, digging into a plate of soft bread and a creamy-looking dip my crew had brought for him. “It’s my mom’s hummus,” he said, tears streaming freely down his cheeks. “They brought my mom’s hummus.”
I sank onto my seat, my cave-sore ass soothed by the soft cushion, my cave-hidden heart soothed by the knowledge that Sai was safe and eating and heading back home to his moms. That I was heading back home to Freddie. The relief was so potent, I was a breath away from joining him in letting myself cry. But Morgath stepped onto the shuttlebehind me, his head ducked, his broad shoulders hunched. “Uh, hi, Sunny,” he said. “I’m sorry about?—”
“A sonic cannon?” I scowled up at him. “Really?”
“I’m a dingus.” He ducked his head so thoroughly his chin touched his chest. “But she had her arm around your throat. I didn’t trust that she wouldn’t…” His hands curled into fists at his sides. “I couldn’t let her hurt you.”
I softened, not even my raging headache letting me stay upset with him. “I understand. Thank you, Morgath. Thank you for coming. Thank you for saving our lives.”
Kneeling in front of me, which still put his face above mine, he said, “I’m sorry it took us so long. It was hard to follow their ship through the jump. We kept losing the signal.”
“So the laser-tracker thing worked?” Sai asked around a mouthful of bread, coming to sit beside me.
Ruffling Sai’s hair, Morgath said, “Totally. And I’ll tell you all about it once we’re in the air.”
Sai sleptthrough the entire trip, his head on my lap while I ran my fingers gently through his hair, just like I used to with Jonathan. It wasn’t something I ever imagined I’d be able to do again, but I let myself have the comfort. I tried not to push away the memories but to sit with them, even though they stung. But when we docked with theIgnisar, when I disembarked the shuttle to find Freddie standing outside the airlock, waiting for me with a hand-written sign that readWelcome Home, it was more than just my memories that stung.
I used to think he made me weak. But seeing him now, watching the smile streak across his face while he swiped aknuckle under his eye, I couldn’t believe how wrong I’d been. He’d never made me weak. He made me feel. He made me whole. He made me strong.
This ship had been my home for the last five years, but now, I realized as my eyes filled with tears, he was my home.
After the airlock finished cycling, the doors slid open, and in my torn jumpsuit and dirty bare feet, I ran to him. His arms came around me, the warmth and pressure of his embrace almost convincing my body that it was safe again. But then my heart froze in my chest as Lena and Sonia raced around the corner, falling to their knees in relief at the sight of their son.
I didn’t know, hadn’t realized how hard it would be, seeing the relief I’d never been lucky enough to feel on Lena’s and Sonia’s faces, the joy and fear and love and absolute relief as they took Sai into their arms and held him, kissed him, cried with him. It was unbearable. I wasn’t strong enough for this. “I can’t,” I whispered into Freddie’s chest. “I can’t be here. It’s too much.”
He kissed my head, ushering me toward the elevator, telling me, “I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’ve got you.”
I didn’t know how long I’d spent sobbing in his arms, trembling on his bed, his hand brushing over my hair and running up and down my back in long, soothing strokes. I only knew that once I finally calmed enough to ask, “Can you do me a favor?” he hopped out of bed without hesitation.
Five minutes later, he returned from my pod, helping me out of my filthy jumpsuit, helping me into the shower, helping me wash my hair and my body, drying me off. And then he slipped my favorite nightshirt over my head and pulled my favorite Venusian wool socks up my legs while I braced myself on his shoulders.
I was still shivering, still cold, so he curled up with me again on his bed, holding me close, surrounding my body with his. It took some time before I was finally warm, but only a moment longer before I fell asleep.
When I woke sometime later, still held tightly in his arms, still warm, everything was different. The sadness had faded. The pain had ebbed. And I felt safe. I felt exhausted and sore and warm and safe.
Rolling over to face him in the dim light of his pod, I placed my hand over his heart and said, “I love you, Freddie. I’m so sorry I left.”
“I love you too, Sunny.” His hand rose to cover mine. “And I’m not sorry. You saved him. You brought him home to his moms, and you brought yourself home to me. You are the bravest being I have ever known.”
Raising my gaze to his, my chest so full of love for him everything inside it ached, I said, “You mean so much to me. I never told you how much, and I regretted it. Sitting in that cave, wondering if I’d ever see you again, I regretted that I didn’t tell you, that I might have missed my chance to make sure you knew. Because you mean everything to me, Freddie. Your heart”—I moved our hands so I could kiss his chest, his steady heartbeat thumping against my lips—“means everything to me. I’m so sorry for hurting it. I’m so sorry that what I did to keep the worst thing that ever happened to me from happening to someone else”—my voice cracked, my eyes filling with hot, guilty tears—“must have felt a lot like the worst thing that ever happened to you. I never wanted that. I never wanted to hurt you like that.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” He brushed my tears off my cheeks, kissed them off my eyelashes, my lips. “Of course you didn’t. You mean everything to me too. And you have nothing to be sorry for, unless”—he reconsidered—“you do it again.”
“I won’t,” I said with a watery laugh. “I promise.”
“Good. Then it’s like I said. Don’t be sorry. Just be in my arms.”
