“Now there’s an idea. Come slither onto this bed with me.”
-32-
Spook
9 weeks later. 30thApril. Sweden.
Spook awkwardly adjusted the tilt of his laptop. Even though he’d been planning this Live for weeks, he was still twitchy over actually doing it. He hadn’t announced it, and even though he’d only started the counter a few seconds ago, people were already joining, and listening, and waving hello at him. Black Halo’s PR bod, Sally Kettering would likely have a fit the moment she realised he was online, but he’d deal with that later. This was for him. His chance to speak for himself, no scripts, no censorship.
“Hey. Yeah, hello,” he said, flicking his gaze upward so he briefly looked directly at the camera. “Thanks for joining me. So, I’ve some things that I wanted to talk about. Hi, Grace in Canada, and Antonio in Spain. Yeah, so…” He steadied his hands by clasping the edge of the desk at which he sat in his sister’s spare bedroom. “I’ve considered various ways in which to do that, and this seemed… I guess it seemed like the best option for being able to say what I wanted to say in an unfiltered way.
“Yeah, I guess you don’t usually hear me talk much. I’m more comfortable letting the other guys hog the mic.”
He took a sip of water. The comments were filling with hellos and hearts.
“Guys, I’m not going to sugar coat it, this last year, it’s been rough, both for me personally, and for the whole band. An awful lot of shit went down. If you’re here, then you know what I’m talking about. I got hurt physically and emotionally. And while I don’t want to get into the details of it all, I do want to say thanks for sticking with us.”
He shifted uneasily in his seat, as the comments shifted to a more speculative line.
“I don’t think there’s much to be gained in regurgitating all the crap. It’s more the repercussions that I wanted to address, and a few details that I wanted to…. There’s a lot of misinformation about, and I wanted to give you the truth. Siv Gyllensköld was my ex. I was arrested. There was a court case. I guess now there’s been two. All the charges were dropped against me. She’s the one that ended up with a prison sentence. I ended up with a different sort of life sentence, one that’s really weighed down on me, especially this last year.
“It’s all been settled. No need to stir the pot.” he said reading a comment. “Yes, kind of, and that’s not my intention to rile anybody up. I just want to be honest about who I am. That’s not especially easy. I don’t find it easy to confide, even to my close friends. I’ve spent a lot of my life bottling things up and trying to shut down parts of myself, partly out of fear, and partly because I felt like they made me into someone I’d rather not be.
“Really though, it was just avoidance. The things that happened when I was really young. They seriously screwed with my head, and when it all got regurgitated for public consumption… That was…that was hard.”
He sucked on his tongue, determined not to tear up on camera, while his fist formed before his mouth. It took a moment to push the emotions back down again.
“Yes, my mental health has suffered. I’d spent years trying different methods of blocking things out and believing that if I controlled certain aspects of myself then I could prevent myself from getting hurt again.
“I couldn’t stop it… And for a long time, I was in a place where I didn’t feel able to ask for help. I just… I know some of you will totally get this, but I didn’t feel worthy. Medication has never been something that I wanted to try… and therapy too. I have found someone recently, but in the past, I never found talking to a counsellor to be of benefit. All it did was make me feel judged and like an even bigger monster.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s how I saw myself.
“Sonia, yes, I’m sorry you’re battling with your mental health too. I hope it does help to know that you’re not alone in that.
“Have I self-harmed? Yes, in a variety of ways. I think it’s human to try to find ways to express how torn-up you’re feeling, or how empty… frustrated. Or just that I felt really inadequate as a person. Not the sort of person anyone would want in their life.”
The comments were rolling in thick and fast now, too fast for him to keep up with while also making sure he said all the things he wanted to say. Not that he was even wholly sure what that was anymore.
“Asexuals should stick together,” he read.
“Yes. But I’m assuming that’s aimed at me. Guys, I’m not ace. I was celibate for a very long time… nearly a decade, but that was a personal choice. It was a means of not dealing with things and avoiding rejection.
“Am I gay?
“I’m not gay.
“Nor am I straight.
“There’s a world in between those two, and I don’t think sexuality is all that set in stone.
“Does that mean I’m no longer celibate?
“Well, Beanface…yes. Also, yes, I’m in a relationship.
“Is it with a guy or a girl?
“A woman.
