Having dumped the dismantled pieces of Xane’s phone on the kitchen island, the reality of what he’d done overwhelmed him, causing a rain of tears and his knees to buckle. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her, or that he was punishing her. He absolutely was not doing that. It was just that love alone wasn’t enough. It wasn’t some blinding heavenly light that washed away your past. Any future he had with Alle would inevitably entail a revolving door of trauma, and he’d already reached his capacity for such.
Once upon a time, he’d courted death, even sought its oblivion.
Now, it wasn’t what he wanted. Oh, sure, he had passing surface thoughts to that effect, but deep down…deep down, he wanted to live, and thrive, and have mad passionate sex that didn’t leave him in knots or have him looking over his shoulder every forty seconds. He wanted a life that was full of music, the one where he played guitar on stage until his fingers bled all over the strings, and he got high off the energy of the crowd. He wanted his band, his friends… He didn’t know how to have those things and Alle too.
He didn’t remember falling or hitting his chin. Though he heard the thump and felt the reverberation through his jaw.
Warmth suddenly swaddled him. Xane. The waft of expensive scent, and an undercurrent of sweat and sex. His arms coming around him, pulling his head into the crook of Xane’s shoulder. Xane’s hand cradling his head. It wasn’t enough to stop the sobs. If anything, it released them.
Spook cried like he’d never cried. Until his tears dried up and his lips were swollen and cracked, and only heaving remained. When Xane lifted him, swept him up into his arms and carried him through to the bedroom, he didn’t resist. He cuddled into the safety in which he could trust.
Xane lowered him gently, placing his head on the pillow so that he was facing Luthor, and got into bed behind him. Neither bombarded him with questions. They didn’t demand anything, just wrapped him in love and warmth.
“She thinks… she thinks I’m punishing her.”
Xane’s agile fingers combed through the white-blond strands of Spook’s hair. “Shh, shh, it’s okay. It’ll be okay. It’s been tough for everyone. We’re all emotional. But I’ve got you, and I promise we’ll figure it all out.”
He didn’t know if any of them truly believed that, but he wanted to so much that he held onto those words, closed his fist around them, and made them into a mantra. They were there on his tongue and in his ears when he finally succumbed to an exhausted sleep.
-32-
Allegra
After her disastrous conversation with Spook ended in total radio silence, Alle spent the following day ping-ponging around her too empty house, too overwhelmed to summon energy for anything. She’d tried calling back right after Spook had originally hung up on her, and again come daylight. When the call went straight to voicemail, she’d tried Luthor instead.
Luthor: I’m sorry, Alle. Nothing I can do. If he wants to talk to you, he will. He’s upset. Maybe give it time.
Allegra: He’s upset!
Allegra: I notice that when we talked you never mentioned that you were sleeping with him.
Luthor: I wasn’t at the time.
Luthor: It was a moment, Alle, one I’m not going to apologise for.
Luthor: We don’t get to make other people’s choices for them.
Luthor: The man needs more opportunities to cut loose, not less.
Luthor: And, let’s not pretend the three of us hooking up last night is why you’re pissed.
Allegra: I just don’t understand why I’m the one being punished. What the fuck did I do wrong?
Allegra: I’m not my brothers.
Luthor: No one thinks that.
Allegra: Don’t they?
Allegra: Sure feels like it.
Luthor: Give it time.
Luthor: He’s fragile.
Allegra: You mean sit around and chew on hope like I’ve been doing for the last six months. While you and Xane do hell knows what with him?
Allegra: I can’t do that forever.
