The only thing that made any sort of sense was the dark. He could lie still as death and pretend he didn’t exist, and that there weren’t obligations and tomorrows to get through.
He could void himself of any even vaguely troublesome thoughts.
Xane had just had to go there… Of course he had. He couldn’t hold it against him.
Spook sensed Xane in the doorway, even though there was barely any change in the light caused by him opening the door. His instinctive response was to feign sleep; focus on making slow, steady inhalations followed by slower exhalations.
“Spook?”
Xane’s voice was soft, a little husky, like his vocal chords were swollen. The sound of it instantly obliterated the notion of clinging to his solitude. Xane could—well, he couldn’t fix things—but his presence was enough to improve them. Monsters shrivelled to dust when he eyeballed them.
He said some stuff, words that brushed Spook’s eardrums without conveying meaning, like his brain could no longer process language. The door creaked, and alarmed, he realised Xane was leaving.
“Stay.” He forced the word out from the depths of his lungs.
“Okay.” Xane’s response fired back immediately. “What do you want me—?”
His presence, no more than that. The pure warmth of his companionship.
The bed creaked as Xane lowered his weight onto it. He slipped an arm beneath Spook’s neck and tightened the other around his chest. The sharp ridge of Xane’s chin pressed into the valley between his shoulder blades. The comfort of it, the warm familiarity, caused two polar reactions. Concurrently, knots unravelled inside his guts as heat seeped through his skin where their bodies met, while guilt bit him in the arse. The bond that brought them together in this moment also had the potential to rip both their lives apart. When you cared, it was always that much harder to let go.
“You shouldn’t have come,” he muttered.
Xane’s hot breath butted the back of his neck as he huffed in response.
“I’m serious. I’m not your responsibility.”
“I lost Steve. I’m not losing you.”
“You can’t fix me, Xane.”
“I wouldn’t dream of trying to. I’m quite fond of broken you, but if you feel you need to glue some pieces back together, I reckon I can lend a hand, unblock the nozzle on the UHU, that sort of thing.” He chose that moment to lace their fingers together and tuck their combined fists into the centre of Spook’s chest.
“I don’t know how to fix me.”
“Maybe not yet. Could be all it needs is time. You’ve a lot to process.”
He considered this, as he’d already done many times over, but there was still a niggling voice of dissent. “What if there is no getting over it, and I should just…I should stop trying?”
Xane was silent for several heart-pounding moments, no doubt swallowing the enormity of what he’d just admitted.
“That where you’re at?” he asked.
Spook gave a shallow nod, his throat having closed around making a definitive yes.
“You’ve been here before. I know it’s hard when you’re right at the bottom of the pit, but there are ways out. Just because you’re stumbling around and failing to find the exit at the moment, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”
“I know. But I’m not sure knowing makes it easier.” Tears rushed to his eyes and trickled down his cheeks despite his attempt to squint them away. Xane lifted their bunched fists and wiped them with the back of his thumb.
“Spook, do you ever think it might help to talk to somebody? I don’t mean me. Though you definitely can.”
“I hated therapy. It did shit.” He’d never trusted them, and they never asked the right thing. He’d only ever felt judged.
“You hatedthattherapy, which I’ll add was forced on you. Talking to someone you choose might be different, and I think I should point out that was ten years ago. Things have advanced a way since then, as things inevitably do, and even if they can’t directly help, it might give you some insight into yourself.”
“It’s hard enough talking to you, and you already know everything.”
“If it was easy, it wouldn’t be necessary. And I don’t know everything, Spook. I understand the big picture, but the nuances of it…” He shook his head. “None of us can ever know everything about someone else’s experiences, because we haven’t lived their life. I do know that it’d be a crying shame if you let the fuckers who brought you to this point win. Don’t give them that. Don’t let them rule you. The world needs you in it. I need you.”
