“But do you think it might change things… bring him—”
“Out of hiding?” The big guy sighed from the shoulders. They both knew the likely answer was no, but it wouldn’t stop them praying for it. “I mean, what was the point of it all if it doesn’t? If the purpose wasn’t to get him to come back, then what did it achieve?”
She’d thought she might have got more of a thrill out of the perpetrators getting their comeuppance. But it wasn’t as if anyone was going to prison.Bang! Magazinehad an eye-watering amount of compensation to pay, but no one was rapping her brother’s knuckles or slapping handcuffs around his wrists. She wasn’t even certain Marshall had been in court.
“Alle.” Rock Giant crushed her in a brutal hug, tucking her fast against his hard pecs. The scent of him awakened a vivid memory. Their bodies entwined, a moment of humour amidst the tangle of passion. The warmth of Spook’s caresses, his fingers on her hips, his hair spilled over two quivering bodies he’d pulled into his orbit. “We all miss him. Hell, I’d give my right nut to see him bounce through that door right now. The left one too if it made you feel better.”
“Of course, I’d feel better.”
He didn’t let her out of the hug.
“Why are you suggesting I wouldn’t?”
Another sigh wheezed from his lips, this one more frustrated than the last. “Because it’s been months, and while we kind of know why, he still abandoned us, still left you. He could have left a forwarding address. Don’t get me wrong, him walking in that door would be fucking glorious, but it wouldn’t set the world back to rights. It’d only tilt the axis to a different angle. There’d still be explanations to give and mending to do. Just because Xane’s told the world to get their facts straight, doesn’t mean anything’s changed inside Spook’s head. We both know the guy has issues.”
Alle pushed against his chest until he slackened his hold. “I don’t care about any of that. I just want him here. To know that he’s safe. I want to be able to tell him I love him and for him to be okay with that. That’s really not much to ask.”
Rock Giant’s mouth twisted into uneasiness. She felt him twitch.
“Is it really so horrid a concept, to let someone love you? Shit, Paul. I feel like I only got five minutes with him. Five measly stinking minutes. That can’t be it. It’s not enough. Not nearly. He can’t think that. We were starting to feel like an actual couple.”
“Hey.” He enfolded her in another embrace. “I’m not suggesting it is. The pair of you obviously deserve a lifetime.”
“We do, right?”
“Absolutely. Why don’t you come and sit down, eh? Stop lurking on the fringes.”
It would have caused too big a scene to refuse. Ash and Ginny shuffled out of the way, surrendering one end of the sofa to them. Its well-worn springs sagged beneath Alle’s weight, forcing her into an almost foetal position. Paul sank alongside her. Ronnie, having squeezed into the space between Alle and Ash, took one look at her and pushed a soft drink’s can into her hands. She put it aside unopened. “I don’t need sugar, Ronnie.”
“It’s zero sug—”
Rock Giant reached over her and clipped him around the head. “She’s busting for a fight, mate. Don’t contradict her.”
“I’m not bustin—.” She held her breath fast in her lungs, before releasing it as a huff. She was agitated. It didn’t feel right to just be hanging out like this when Spook was out there, somewhere, God knows where or in what condition. “Why does it feel like I’m the only one out of my mind with worry? Like the rest of you are holding it together way better?”
That got her more attention than she honestly wanted. Too many heads swivelled in her direction, levelled her with wild eyed stares as for a fraction of a second all the masks were dropped. It was all a façade. They were all bitter, angry, confused. Precisely as frustrated and heartsore as she was. “All I’m saying is…” What the fuck was she saying? “Is that it’s hard with you all here. Every time I look up, I expect to see him. My heart’s going like crazy.” She pressed her hand to her chest to emphasise the point. She’d lived with perpetual butterflies for months—weeks of anticipation, of constantly hoping the next moment would be the moment everything was set to rights again did that to you— but they were beating with hurricane wings tonight.
“We get that,” Ginny said, leaning around Ash to address her, and squeeze her hand. “It is harder when we’re all together, because then his absence is so much more apparent.”
“Where did Xane go?” Ash asked, attempting to jack-knife the doom spiral.
“I spend all day thinking he’s going to come back,” Alle said, ignoring Ash’s scowl. “Then he doesn’t, and I wind up on my knees fucking praying, begging him. Not that he knows it, or likely even gives a shit.” She didn’t normally share this stuff, the thoughts that assailed her in the dark of the night, but it was bursting out of her this evening. The simmering rage that had been there since the day he left swelling, threatening to turn into a tsunami. “Fuck! What are we doing? We’re all sitting around with our lives on pause, and for what? Maybe he really is done with us. I mean, he walked away without so much as a goodbye.”
“I don’t think he really planned it, Alle.” The hurt burned into Ronnie’s eyes did little to alleviate her rage. The sympathy was always for Spook. Spook must be suffering so much. Rock Giant was right, what about them? What about her? Things weren’t ever going to simply snap back to how they’d been. Where the fuck was he? Did he give a shit about any of them?
“He was a mess when he left, Alle,” Ash said, the tremble in his vocal chords belaying the rage he was obviously swallowing. “I think it’s fair to imagine he’s still pretty fucked up now. I don’t think that means he doesn’t care, only that he’s not in a place to deal with—”
“That’s not… It’s not what I’m saying.”
“It kinda is,” Ash mumbled. He slid off the end of the sofa and sloped toward the door, shoulders hunched.
“Ash, wait.” Ginny pursed her lips. “Sorry. Later, guys.” She scurried after him.
“Shit! And now you all think I’m a bitch. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just… I’m fucking lost, okay. I’m just saying it’s not okay. I’m not okay.” Why was it so damn difficult to make herself understood? To express all the conflicting emotions that had been bombarding her twenty-four seven for the last five months. “I don’t know. I just don’t know. He could be fucking dead, for all we know. He could be fucking dead. Can we acknowledge that? Can we?” As she repeated herself, the heat sluiced off her words, allowing fear to seep in. “And if he is, then doesn’t that make me and my anger into the biggest twat ever?”
“No.” Ignoring her continued swats in his direction, Rock Giant slung an arm around her shoulder. “It makes you human. You’re only saying what the rest of us have felt. We’re all of us enduring the same rinse and repeat cycle of hope and despair. None of us have moved on. We’re feeling it, Alle. It’s just not easy to hear it, that’s all.”
“Yeah, but at least none of you caused this.”
