“Xane’s cousin Ric was having therapy at the same place I got sent.We bumped into one another one day, and wound up talking.That led to us doing some modelling for Ric.Xane didn’t need the cash, I did, but mostly it was an environment we could both let our guard down in and be who we were.Black Halo grew out of that.
“Ric, as in Alaric Liddell, the photographer who shoots your album covers.”
“Yeah, him.One night that we stayed over at his place, things got intense.They’d been building for weeks, and Ric had been particularly demanding that day about how things looked and what he wanted us to do.It carried on after the shoot was done.”
“You told him everything?”
“Xane?”He nodded, and then quickly shook his head.“Not everything.Only what happened between me and Siv.Not about Bengt and Erik.Xane was the only person who’d listened that didn’t make me feel like a freak.Pretty much as soon as I’d told him, I said that I didn’t want to discuss it again, and he’s respected that.”He tipped his head from side to side.“Well, mostly.There have been a couple of occasions he’s had a bunch to say about it.”
“And last night?”
“I was stripped raw, Alle.It felt like I was caught in an emotional tornado.Xane’s my anchor.He grounds me when I’m at risk of ripping apart.He understands how to focus me.That’s what it was to begin with when he came to me last night.I used him like a punching bag.He let me hurt him.”
“So, you let him fuck you?”she said cagily, her eyes narrowing.
“I didn’t let him.I asked him to.I thought it might help get—get them out of my head.”
“And did it?”
Spook knocked back the remains of his drink, which was now barely lukewarm.“It kind of did.Unfortunately, it came with a side-load of new baggage.”
Alle nudged him with her elbow.“Did you just call me a piece of baggage?”
“No.No.That’s not what I meant.Not at all.”
She elbowed him again.“I know what you meant, Spook.”She smiled, and the elongation of her lips lit up her face.“Were you frightened?”
“Last night?”
“While he—”
“Yes, but he was gentle.God, I’m so sorry.I’m sure you don’t want to hear this.”He cupped his palms over his face and rubbed, eventually pulling his steepled fingers down so that they rested against his lips.“It just felt like—like I had to.That there was a barrier in my head, and I needed to break it down.”
She nodded.“I think there’s more than one barrier in your head.I sort of get it now, though.You and Xane.”
“Do you?You know it’s not ever going to turn into a thing.I don’t love him in that way.We just get each other.I feed his need to feel loved and have someone look after him, and he—well, last night anyway—feeds my desire to torture pretty things.I couldn’t have a full on relationship with him though, it would be a nightmare.He’s proper high maintenance, and I say that as his closest friend now that Steve’s gone.Not to mention he’s insatiable.There’s more than one reason he has two partners.”
Alle got up and stretched tall.“I think I’ve heard enough about Xane for one night.I need to move.It feels like most of me is knotted.”
Spook rose too and kneaded her shoulders.The day had been long and fraught.In fact things had been tumultuous from the moment they’d boarded theQueen Victoriain Southampton.A moment of contemplative quiet stretched between them.Spook found it surprisingly reassuring.It wasn’t awkward.It just was.
“I feel like a swim.What do you think?”
“I think I need to know if you’re still with me.”
She turned to face him.“I’m still here.”
“Yes.”
She kissed the tip of his nose, but that wasn’t nearly reassuring enough.Spook coaxed her into a lip kiss too.The whisper of his breath mingling with hers sent a cascade of hot sparks through his chest.
“I should have told you all this before.”
“I’m just glad you trust me enough to have told me now.”She fisted a hand in the front of his shirt.“I don’t need us to be perfect, Spook.I’m good with it simply being real.Try not to fuck Xane, okay.Or if you’re going to, then clue me in so I can watch.”
“Watch?”
“Yeah, watch.”She shrugged.“I might have been one of the fangirls that wolf whistled every time he messed with you on stage.”
Spook shook his head, although truthfully, he was biting back a smile.Someone had poured an ocean over the powder keg in his brain.For the first time in a long time he didn’t feel like a stray spark might trigger a detonation.“All right,” he agreed.“Let’s swim.”
