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Spook’s heart pounded in his ears so loudly as she walked towards him, he had to look down to ensure it hadn’t jumped out of his chest.Damn Xane and his meddling.“You want her.She wants you.Stop being a twat,” he’d said.As dressing downs went, it was one of the more succinct he’d endured.
Was he being a twat?In all likelihood, yeah.Was it sensible to talk to her again?Probably not.It wasn’t as if their situation had altered any in the last few minutes.
Or maybe it had.
Certainly, watching her sail into the distance like a storm cloud had done a number on him.He’d felt zero relief, only maddening panic.
He walked with her in silence to the band’s dressing room.Most of the equipment had been packed up and shipped out.Only the odd thing remained; Rock Giant’s jacket, Ash’s supply of sherbet lemons, a half-eaten banana.A ribbon of condoms sat on one of the counter tops.He swore it hadn’t been there earlier and had only materialised to taunt and scare the fucking shit out of him.
How crazy was it that he started hyperventilating over the sight of a bit of wrapped latex?
“I don’t know what Xane said to you—”Alle began “—but I didn’t ask him to.I was leaving, like we agreed.I was just waiting for Ronnie to get back from the loos.”
“Ronnie?”
“I told you about him last night.We’ve been working together.”
“That’s him?The guy you’ve been in the studio with?Mister Extraordinary Arse?”His pulse started a dramatic tattoo, while his guts twisted.She’d come to Monte Carlo with Captain Bubble Butt?Shit!He rubbed at the vexing tingle in his nose.
To his astonishment, Allegra rounded on him like he’d kicked a puppy.“Don’t you dare say a bad word against him.”Her finger waggled right in front of his nose.“He’s been a good friend to me.It’s only because of him that I managed to be here.Though I suppose in your book that’s a reason to dislike him, given you’d prefer I was anywhere else on Earth.”
Not true.Actually, he craved her presence.Loved that she’d flown here to watch the gig and check up on him.“It’s good you have a friend.Someone you can confide in.”
“I don’t,” she cut him off.“He knows nothing about us.Obviously he’s figured out that I’m into you, but he doesn’t know that we’re… Whatever it is we were.”
The explanation didn’t lessen the tang of jealousy sitting on his tongue.Any kind of resentfulness was ridiculous.He’d just told her it was over.Except, here they were staring at one another, and it wasn’t—it really wasn’t—over.
Damn Xane and his fucking insistence on interfering.
“I’m doing it for your own good,”he heard him say as if he was standing right by his shoulder.He ought never to have got drunk and said all those things.It was like feeding a troll.
Alle sighed, and wrapped her arms around her body, as if a hug was what she needed most of all right now, and giving it to herself was the only option.
Xane was right.He was a Class A prick.
“What is it you want, Spook?What is it we have left to say to one another?I think I’ve made myself clear.So it’s up to you.”
He did not like the frown lines that wrinkled up her brow, or the resigned set of her lips.As for what he wanted, well that, that was, “It’s complicated.”
“I get that.But try.Please.I want to understand.I can see that this is difficult for you, and I’m not saying tell me everything, but give me something.”
He sucked in a breath, which did nothing to ease the shakes already wracking his limbs.“I’m not celibate on a whim, or to compensate for the fact I can’t pull, or because I’m spectacularly awful in bed.I’m not gay, or impotent.”All things he’d been accused of multiple times by multiple people.“Nor am I confused about my sexuality or my gender.It’s not a joke, even though the media, and pretty much everyone else likes to make it one.It’s a decision I made for a reason, Alle.A host of reasons.I don’t really want to change that.”
He stopped and shook his head.“I want you.I’m incredibly attracted to you.Leastways, part of me is.The other part would really rather not get embroiled in a relationship ever again.So, I find it very difficult being around you.Every second we’re together, it’s like I’ve meat hooks through me and I’m being pulled in two directions.”
Maybe that was an overly visceral description.He made the mistake of looking at her.The green of her eyes was so bright, so vivid, so brim full of emotions.“Why?”she asked.“You said there were reasons for being celibate.What reasons?”
A whole raft of voices started screaming inside his head all at once.
“Because he’s a fucking monster.”
“A pervert.A thief.”
“Corruptor.”
“A violent, sick, and sadistic predator.”
