In the steamed up glass, he caught a sudden vision of Xane on his knees, cock in hand, while a trickle of blood ran from his nose.He was staring upwards with his mouth open.
Spook coated himself in shower gel and scrubbed.No.Just no.He didn’t want Xane in his head.It was bad enough avoiding pitfalls that made him think of Alle.Alle, who he’d very much like to bend over his lap right now for her part in providing the distraction that had endangered him last night.If he hadn’t been caught up in her fantasy version of what their relationship could be like, then none of the crap that had followed would have occurred.Not the knob-head who’d assaulted him, or Ava fucking Leigh getting in his face.Nor would he have wound up dead drunk and wanking for Xane’s entertainment.
Arrrghh!
The soap was making the cuts in his palm sting.
He thumped the glass, whereupon Xane slid the cubicle door and stuck his head inside.“Everything okay?”
“No it bloody isn’t.You’re in my face.I look like shit.My hand stings.My throat hurts.We’ve a gig to play, and Allegra Hutton has this crazy idea in her head that I’m going to be some sort of benevolent master who smacks her arse when she’s feeling down, and then cuddles her until the world is better again.I’m not.And I’m never going to be.That’s not me.I’m not interested in bending her to my will, or owning a slave, I just want…” He buttoned his lips together tight.
“—to leave a kaleidoscopic patchwork of marks all over her body and then fuck her hair,” Xane finished for him.
Spook cringed.“I said that last night, didn’t I?”Jeezus, it ought to be illegal to remind people what they said and did while drunk.He turned off the spray and stepped out of the cubicle, waving his hand for a towel.Xane passed him one.“For the record, I don’t actually want to fuck her hair.”
“But you do want to fuck her… and leave marks behind.”
He sucked the cut in his lip, the scab over which had been softened by the water.
Xane shook his head.“I know that’s the truth, so why deny it?”
“Didn’t I explain that while I was drunk too?”
“Yeah, but I want to hear you say it while you’re sober.”
“I want to leave marks,” he said without emphasis.“There, happy now?”
“It’s a start,” Xane said.He finally withdrew from the bathroom.“There are more towels in the cupboard.”He waved in the vague direction of the sink.
Spook sighed in relief.
Too bad it wasn’t the end of it.Xane was waiting for him at the breakfast table once he’d dried off and helped himself to some clean clothes.
“Have you discussed it with her?I mean properly discussed it with her?Because if you haven’t, what you’re doing is making assumptions about what she wants.It’s possible her wants are more in line with yours than you think.”
Spook slid into a chair and helped himself to a glass of orange juice.Having poured that straight down his aching throat, he commandeered the coffee pot, and picked a few grapes out of the bowl of fruit salad.“Must we?”Xane wasn’t going to let this go.“Look, it doesn’t matter if her desires line up perfectly with mine.I’m not looking for a relationship.I don’t want a sexual relationship.I don’t want to have sex.Maintaining the current status quo is just fine.”
“Lies,” Xane drawled while he smashed the top off a boiled egg.“You want the exact opposite of what you’re saying.That’s the whole issue.You do want to fuck her.If you didn’t you’d have forgotten all about her by now.I wish you’d stop letting fear hold you back.”
“Yeah, well, we all wish for unicorns at some point.”Tormented, he sucked on a grape.Why did Xane have to analyse?Why couldn’t he just butt out of it?His probing was already pushing them way too close to certain things they’d agreed not to discuss a long, long time ago.
“I know it’s a constant battle between what you desire and what your conscience dictates.”
“Shut up.”
“You know that’s not going to happen.I want you to be happy, Spook, and I know you’re good at convincing everyone else, but I know the truth.Your celibacy vow is pointless.All it’s doing is crippling you.”
“It’s not pointless, and stop fucking pushing me.Just because you can’t keep your dick in your pants for more than an hour.”
“This isn’t about me, Spook.I know I have issues.Nor am I hiding the fact that they’re not nearly as under control as people think.I’m just lucky in that I have people around me who are prepared to help.I’m not advocating you take my lifestyle.I’m saying there’s a woman out there who is seriously into you.Why not give it a chance?”
“I’ve thought about it,” he confessed.“I was going to give it a chance.Leastways, I was ready to meet her, but…”
“But what?”
“Last night.”For anyone else that would have been explanation enough.It wasn’t for Xane.“She’s never going to agree to taking things at the pace I want.”
“Yeah, glacial doesn’t tend to do it for many women.”
