When I returned, he had sunk to the floor, staring forward again.
“I’m back,” I said, edging around him. “I’m going to turn on the water. It’s a bit loud at first.”
I turned on the shower, the sound of water hitting the tile filling the air around us. He stared at the wall, and I stared at him until the mirror started to fog up with the steam. I checked the temperature on my arm, then kneeled in front of him.
“Kaos, the shower is nice and warm.” He stared through me. “Finch said you like warm showers. He told me to take care of you.”
I guided him to his feet and helped him step inside. He sat down on the floor, under the stream of water, hugging his knees.
I swallowed.
Finch had given me a task, so I set about washing him and lathering his hair with shampoo, then conditioner. I grabbed my brush from the counter and started running it through his long hair.
I could see the tension in his shoulders slowly relaxing as I continued until I could brush through the long strands in one solid sweep. I could feel it soothing him, and the sensation soothed me, the ache in my bond mark dulling and my scent unfurling in comfort.
Over and over, I brushed, until I could feel him returning, bit by bit. The bond, which had muted earlier, flared to life again.
I was trembling, the feeling of caring for my alpha almost overwhelming. I wanted to weep at the change; instead of being the source of his tension, I was the solution.
Calming him.
Inviting him to be present again.
I pulled us out of the shower and wrapped a towel around him. He stared at the foggy mirror, meeting his own empty eyes, stark shadows making his face seem almost alien.
“I’m a monster,” he said in a hoarse whisper, making me jump. “I tried to change so I wouldn’t see it every time I looked in the mirror, but it’s never enough.”
His fingertips reached out, brushing against the condensation on the glass. “Maybe for a second, I trick myself. But I’m stillmeunderneath it all. A mistake. Useless. He needs me to stay sane, and I can’t…”
His voice broke on the last bit, and he looked down at his hands.
“Why can’t I just be a normal fucking person? I can’t hold it together, can’t anchor him, andI’m not enough.”
I swallowed, not sure what to say. “I’m sorry,” I stammered, and his dull eyes flicked to me in the mirror.
Rage and guilt surged through the bond, blasting through the despair and overwhelming me.
He turned and slammed me against the wall, his hand circling my throat. His face was close to mine, and a flicker of disgust crossed his features. Though he wasn’t pressing hard enough to constrict my windpipe, the panic made me gasp for air.
“You don't get to say that,” he echoed darkly. “People like you and me don’t deserve him.”
His words really shouldn’t hurt, but they struck me right in the heart.
Like he could see right into me and knew anyone I cared for died. Like he knew my whole life was a pretence, an act.
There was a pain in my chest because this waswrong; my alpha shouldn’t be oozing so much hatred toward me. My bond mark flared up again, the pain stealing the rest of my breath.
“He did it forme,” Kaos said, his voice strained. “I thought I’d escaped, but my death here was inevitable. I should have known I couldn’t cheat my fate like that. I’ve just brought more souls with me.”
A small smile flickered on his lips as he leaned closer.
“But I don’t regret claiming yours, little demon. One gift I give back to this world is taking your blackened soul with me tohell.” He spat the last word, then let me go.
I sank to the floor, panic clawing at my throat.
My mate, crowing over the thought of my death.
My cheeks were wet with tears, eyes blurry, and I flinched as he sank to his knees before me, his hand reaching out for me.
