It didn’t matter with Jordan, but itdoesmatter with Dex and Jack. I love them both, and I can’t lose them.
But when the third Tuesday comes and goes and he doesn’t get in until three in the morning again, I can’t help but wonder whether he’s as sincerely in love with me as I am with him. He can’t even bother to keep me updated about his schedule. Hestill hasn’t invited me to the VIP lounge with him. It seems like he’s spendingallhis free time there—which is short to begin with anyway now that preseason games have started.
I keep trying to blame this very strange sudden divide between us on the season, but I can’t help feeling like it has nothing to do with football and everything to do with him suddenly not wanting to be around Jack and me.
It’s probably just my insecurities, but I feel like I haven’t even seen him enough to talk to him about any of it—and when we finallydoget some alone time, we certainly aren’t using it totalk. Which is good. Amazing, even.
But for the vast majority of the time, I’m alone with Jack. I’m raising him, and I’m being paid handsomely to do so.
Still, a little thought keeps creeping in as I think about how little I actually get to see my husband, and I can’t help but wonder whether this is really the life I want.
CHAPTER 37: Dex Bradley
Drifting
I hate this place.
It feels like everything I’ve worked so hard for is slowly drifting away from me because of this stupid VIP lounge, and I don’t know how to pull it all back in.
Ainsley has been standoffish since I admitted half the truth about the lounges to her, and I think she can sense I’m leaving something out.
But I can’t exactly tell her about the fact that in another couple of weeks, my dad is opening an underground, illegal operation where we’re going to be raking in the cash.
It’s dangerous for her to know that. It’s dangerous formeto know that, too, and truthfully, I’m angry with my father for putting me in this position. I went my entire life not knowing about his illegal activities. Why did he have to tell menow?
Oh, right. Because now he can benefit from my help.
I hate it.
It feels like a huge betrayal only to be used by a person who should never do that to his children, and somehow, I have a feeling he’s going to involve us all by the time he’s done. Iwonder if he’s got Ford on something illegal in Tampa, though I think Ford would lean on the line of legalities. He’s the traditionalist of this family, my opposite in most ways, and I think he’d have a moral issue with running something illegal. It would appear I inherited my father’s moral compass since that’s not the part I have a problem with.
I’m trying my best to protect Ainsley and Jack, and even though I just want to walk away from the casinos, I can’t. It’s not just the promise of a huge payday lurking around the corner, a promise big enough that it has the potential to set us up for life after I retire from football. It’s for the entire Bradley family, and while my parents have done little to earn my respect or my loyalty, I do feel a sense of that loyalty for my brothers and sisters.
I’m paving the way for the future, and when I think of the future, I’m thinking of both Jack and Ainsley in there, too. What Idon’tsee in my future, though, are my father’s illegal operations.
But I also feel like I’ve hardly seen Ainsley lately, and I know one of my major flaws tends to be avoidance. I avoid problems that I can’t throw money at. It’s how I was raised, and it’s part of why I can’t get out of this deal with my father. I tried. He wouldn’t let me, and now it feels like I have to choose between the only family and legacy I’ve ever known or the life I never wanted.
I never wanted it until I got a taste of it, and now it’s all I want. But what if I pick that life—what if I choose to walk away from my own family—and it doesn’t work out with Ainsley? It’s a heavy debate to carry the weight of, but since I’ve never done this relationship thing, I have no way of knowing.
And it’s not just that.
I keep thinking of abandonment. My parents abandoned us in favor of nannies.
Just like I’m doing to my own son.
Fuck. I feel like I’m handling everything the wrong way, and maybe Madden was right. I shouldn’t get involved with someone who’s caring for my child. I don’t know anyone else who would love Jack the way Ainsley does, and maybe it was a mistake to get involved with her.
Or maybe it’s everything I never knew I needed.
I run harder on my treadmill as if that’ll give me the answer.
It doesn’t.
I go harder at practice as if that’ll give me the answer.
It doesn’t.
I flatten a backup quarterback in a preseason game as if that’ll give me the answer.
