“Whoa. Hold up.” Robert turned toward her for a second and held up his hand. “Do you think it’s easy to live up to my father’s expectations? I excel at football. I always did. And it’s always been my main focus in life. That’s why I have my father’s approval. That’s all he talks about. You heard him.”
Confusion made her brow wrinkle, and she looked at him for further explanation.
“He talks about what a great football player I am. What an asset I am to my team. To the sport. He doesn’t talk about how I graduated with honors or how I used to do a Big Brother thing and play ball with boys at the neighborhood youth center when I was in high school. I mowed that damn lawn every weekend from the time I was 12 to the time I left for college. Front and back. I helped my mother plant her garden every Spring and picked up the leaves and trimmed the hedges in the Fall. He never talks about that. He never mentions what a big help I was around the house.”
Amber stared at him, stunned at the animosity in Robert’s voice. It’s the first time he ever displayed any kind of negative emotion.
“What’s going to happen when I age out of football?” he continued. “That’s just around the corner. What’s my father going to talk about then? That I’m a has-been? If I’m not a football star, what am I in my father’s eyes? I know that once I retire, my relationship with him is going to deteriorate.”
Robert’s beautiful smile was gone, and his eyes were dark, no longer alive. The way his voice took on anguish and uncertainty stabbed Amber in the heart. He always exuded confidence and portrayed someone who lived the perfect life. He had a perpetual smile and upbeat personality, so this deviation took her by total surprise. He exposed his vulnerability to her, and it showed how much he trusted her. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.” She rubbed his leg and berated herself for her lack of sensitivity. She, of all people, knew that things always weren’t the way they appeared on the surface. “I’m sure you’ll find something else to bond over. And football will always be part of your life. You know that. It’s not going to be a topic that’ll be off the table. What do your brother and your father have in common?”
A guffaw flew out of Robert’s mouth, and he grunted a laugh. “Just because I have a great relationship with my father, doesn’t mean my brother does. Well, now he does. But growing up . . .” He shook his head, and his face clenched. “My father made Tommy’s life hell.”
The unexpected comment took her by surprise, and she wanted clarification. “What do you mean?”
“Tommy was a football star in college, but music was his passion. My father hated it. He hated the long hair. The tattoos. The loud music. He gave my brother a hard time every day because he thought Tommy was wasting his time playing the guitar and chasing a pipe dream instead of focusing on a career in football. And not only that.” He paused for emphasis. “My father was a horrible homophobe.”
She couldn’t be more shocked and spun around in her seat to face Robert.
“It’s true.” Robert nodded for emphasis. “My brother’s bi. You’ve heard that, right?”
She nodded, recalling hearing something about him being in a relationship with the lead singer in his band.
“I was there when he came out to my father, and let me tell you, it wasn’t cool. It was horrible. My father was ready to cut Tommy out of his life. And this was when Tommy was in his twenties and married. I stood by my brother, but my father didn’t want to hear it. My mother is the one who finally put her foot down. I never heard her yell before. Or stand up to my father like that. She threatened to leave him, and he came around. But it was after an hour of yelling and screaming.”
“Oh my gosh.” Amber was appalled and flabbergasted that this was the same man she just spent the evening with. Mr. Blade had spoken so highly of Robert, and Tommy, and he sounded like the perfect father.
“Not only that, but it wasn’t until my brother’s band got a record deal, had a number one single, and fans and paparazzi started following him everywhere, for my father to acknowledge that Tommy was a talented musician. My brother is a genius. He aced Fordham without even trying. And he had a double major. Math and music theory. My father never acknowledged that. Poor Tommy, my older brother who I idolized—still do, by the way—grew up thinking he was never good enough because of my father. I, on the other hand, never had to try.” Robert shrugged. “All I had to do was play football.”
Amber’s heart, so full of happiness less than a half hour ago, felt like a punching bag. Apparently, she wasn’t the only one with daddy issues. “Why do we care so much what our fathers think? We’re adults. It shouldn’t matter.”
“I agree. But it does. I think we grow up craving approval from both our parents. Mothers are easier to please. Dads are tough. Maybe they think they’re making us stronger, or work harder, or reach for higher goals, but all they’re really doing is making us feel inadequate. So, we’re always trying to seek confirmation that they’re proud of us.”
It was as if the words came straight from Amber’s mouth instead of Robert’s.
“So,” Robert stole a quick glance in her direction, “when do I get to meet your parents?”
Amber let her head fall back and stared at the car’s headliner. “Youdo notwant to meet my parents.”
“Why not?”
“They’re incredibly critical. Especially my father.” The thought of Robert witnessing her family’s dysfunction made her cringe from embarrassment.
“My dad can be critical too. Didn’t you hear everything I said about what my brother went through?”
“Yeah, but that’s not how you were treated.” Obviously, double standards between siblings were a real thing. “I think your father will always support you in anything you do.”
“I don’t. Why do you think I always pushed myself so hard and still do? I never want to let my father down. I had to be the star player in high school. Then college. Even now. I’d like to think I do it for the team. For Coach. For myself. But, realistically, I do it because I don’t want to disappoint my father. He’d be crushed.”
She wasn’t convinced. “I don’t get that feeling at all. I think your family would stand behind you no matter what you did.”
Robert slowly shook his head from side to side. “The rest of my family would, but I’m not so sure about my father. And his opinion is the only one that really matters to me.”
“I know exactly how you feel.” Talking about her father always left Amber drained, as if he sucked the life out of her, and she let out a long sigh. “I don’t know why we’re always looking for our father’s approval. Even at our age. We shouldn’t care what our father’s think.”But we do,she thought to herself. And that would never change.
She stared at Robert’s profile as he drove, determined to not let her father manipulate her any longer. If he forced her, she could play dirty. She could play the card she’d been hiding in her back pocket. Defiance filled her with fortitude—for about 15 minutes. Then her heart fell to her knees. Could she really do that to her father? He was her dad. She couldn’t ruin his life, even if he ruined hers.
She thought about the scene Robert reiterated about his brother coming out and how it took his mother to make his father change his thinking, and a light went on in her head. She’d get her mother on board as an ally. She didn’t know if her father really cared if her mother took her side or even threatened to leave him the way Barbara had threatened Mr. Blade, but at least she wouldn’t be alone when she confronted him.
