He’s only joking, but as he flashes big puppy dog eyes at Sage, she easily gives in to his suggestion. “What do you say, Aspen?” she asks, smiling brightly at me. Her gaze dips to my lips as she wets her own, and I’m a goner.
I’m no stronger than I was last year whenever Sage asked to kiss me. It doesn’t matter that she has a boyfriend now; the kissing has never meant anything to her anyway, and that hasn’t changed. As much as I know, I should be using this time to finally get over my infatuation with my straight best friend. The offer to kiss her again, after all these months without her lips on mine, is too tempting to refuse.
The slightest nod is all it takes, all it ever seems to take, for Sage to kiss me. I wish that her eagerness meant more and not just that she enjoys the act, but I know it doesn’t. Her soft lips moving with mine, her signature floral scent surrounding me, her soft curves flushing against my own, are all just as addicting as they were last year. And just like then, I can’t help but enjoy the high while it lasts, even though I know I’ll have to deal with the emotional crash later.
She deepens the kiss, slipping her tongue into my mouth, and I’m gone. I’m lost in my head, in the fairy tale version of our friendship where Sage is kissing me because she wants to, not as some performance for the frat-bros surrounding us. I block out their encouragements, ignoring the fact that her boyfriend is standing mere feet away, and sink into my fantasy. I’m careful to always follow her lead, holding myself back from what I would do if things really were different between us, if any of it was real.
I’m also always the first to pull away. I’m hyperaware of the fact that itisn’treal and end up feeling guilty that Sage doesn’t know the truth. But those feelings of shame and regret don’t stop the addict in me from jumping at the chance whenever she wants to kiss me.
“Yeah, that was really hot,” Ryan says with a laugh as I take a step back. “Feel free to kiss Aspen whenever you want, babe.”So much for using this time to move on.
Everyone around us laughs, so I do too. Because what else am I supposed to do? I never should have kissed her, and I know I need to stop.
But I don’t. I keep agreeing whenever she offers. Always at parties, around other people, with excuses and an audience, and it’s all just a part of the fun college experience, according to Sage.
But I know that each time our lips meet, it only dooms me further. The thorns that wrap around my heart, cursing me to only ever want this one woman who could never want me back, dig in even deeper, ruining me for anyone else.
8
SAGE
TWENTY YEARS OLD—JULY
Summer Before Junior Year
Living with Aspen in the sorority house sophomore year was amazing. At this point I can’t imagine us not living together. I’m so glad her family is letting me stay with them again this summer, and that I was invited back for another year of interning with the same lab. Getting to be a part of this plant genome project is a dream come true; it doesn’t even feel like work.
Aspen’s parents have her doing a lot of campaign-related volunteering and events this summer, so she isn’t working. I have my own guest room next to hers, but even when we’re in separate rooms, it seems too far away after the last two years of sharing much smaller spaces.
I’m used to getting up early for my internship, so even on the weekends, I’m usually awake before Aspen.Today is no exception.Maybe I can go get some best friend cuddles in before she needs to get up for the day.I quietly make my way next door, knocking softly before opening it when there’s no answer.
But when I make my way over to Aspen’s bed, it's empty. My gut twists like it always does when she stays out all night. It doesn’t happen often, but there were nights when I was with Ryan or when we got separated at a party, and she would text me that she would see me at home or in the morning.
I always hate it.
I hate not knowing where she is or who she’s with. I know Aspen is independent; she’s an adult and she doesn’t need me at her side every hour of the day, but that doesn’t prevent me from worrying about her. Even when she comes back, and I know she’s alright, it doesn’t stop the twisting in my gut. I know it isn’t rational and Aspen deserves whatever privacy she wants, but I hate not knowing.
I’ve tried to open up to her about my own exploits, hoping that she would reciprocate, but whenever I mention something that Ryan and I have done, she quickly changes the subject. I was a little surprised at first; between all the lingerie and the nipple piercings, I wasn’t expecting Aspen to be so shy about sex, but I shouldn’t have assumed. Just because I would be happy to share every detail of my life with her doesn’t mean she owes me the same.
I decide to try to get some more sleep. It’s too early to call Ryan for company, so I might as well wait in Aspen’sbed for her to return. Ryan seemed a little disappointed when I explained I was planning to spend the summer in Georgia. He knows I always feel a little out of place with my parents and siblings. He’d hoped we’d both stay on campus and be near each other, but after I explained the research I’d be doing, he was supportive.Plus months away from Aspen to stay on campus doesn’t sound fun.
“Am I in the wrong room?” Aspen’s voice jolts me awake, so I must have drifted off. “I know I didn’t get much sleep, but I’m fairly certain this is my bed, Goldilocks,” she teases, joining me under the covers and tugging a strand of my blonde hair.
I snuggle in, wrapping an arm and leg around her as I rest my head on her shoulder. “So were you with Arthur?” I whisper, unable to help myself.
She laughs. “No, why would I be with Arthur?”
“I thought maybe you spent the night with him. I keep waiting for you two to get together,” I admit. “Even your parents think you two would make a great couple.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening.” She laughs again.
“So you two have really never hooked up?” I ask, unable to hide the disbelief in my tone. They’re both really attractive, and they spend so much time together. It seems inevitable that they would have at least experimented when they were younger.
“Never,” she assures me confidently.
I’ve gone to some of the events Aspen’s parents have insisted she attend. She spends the whole time smiling forthe cameras and for the people around her, and then afterward, her and Arthur complain about how much they hated everyone who was there. I’ve never heard her mention an ex or even friends from high school.So who the hell is she hooking up with?
“Are you a virgin?” I blurt out as the thought crosses my mind. Is that why she’s always gotten so quiet and is so quick to change the subject when I talk about sex?
