Then why do I wish she really did want to kiss me? Why am I already trying to think of excuses to suggest we do it again?
17
ASPEN
JULY
“Wow, that’s gorgeous!” Sage says.
She’s sitting next to me on our couch, watching a documentary about ferns. That isn’t unusual in itself, and while Sage has always been a rather cuddly person—and casual touching is not something she shies away from—I can’t help but feel like something has changed as she lays her head on my shoulder to look at the notebook in my lap.
She has her body snuggled right against mine, her legs tucked up on her other side on the couch, and she has one hand resting on my forearm as she studies the sketch I’m finalizing.
Is it all in my head that she seems to be more physically affectionate with me than she used to be? I swear ever since that kiss almost a month ago, it’s like Sage is looking forevery excuse to touch me. Each time she does, I catch myself tensing, freezing at the contact.
I’ve been so good at hiding my true feelings from her for so long, but I’m worried I let something slip. Maybe I allowed myself to enjoy the moment more than I should have and gave away just how much I was loving every second of Sage’s mouth on mine.
She’s been weird ever since.
Sometimes she seems… almost flirty? She’s always casually complimented me if she thought I looked nice or if I accomplished something. But now, even the most mundane tasks seem to impress her. I don’t think I’m really “the best at doing laundry” and I don’t think my curly dark hair “makes me look like a princess” when I throw it into a sloppy bun on the top of my head.
I’m worried that Sage has finally figured out that I’m in love with her, and because she doesn’t know how to let me down gently, she’s panicking about hurting my feelings and is overcompensating. I didn’t realize it was possible for her to bemorenice than she’s always been, but this is a whole new level.
The idea that she might finally be into me is absurd, so I won’t even entertain it.
Other times over the last few weeks, she’s seemed… distracted, maybe? More quiet than I’m used to from my bubbly sunshine scientist. I’ll realize halfway through a story that she’s staring off into space, not hearing any of the words I’m saying with how lost in her own thoughts she is.
I’m trying my best to go on pretending everything is completely normal between us, but I’m also very worried about risking our friendship. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. I might be experienced at keeping things to myself, but Sage has always told me everything. If she’s holding something back now, odds are she won’t be able to for much longer.
“So is this for theIsland Dreams Collection?” she asks, tilting her neck to look up at me as she does. Her head is still resting on my shoulder, her face so close to mine.Am I crazy or was she staring at my mouth?
I clear my throat, dismissing my wild imagination. “Yeah, the last one. Most of the samples are already made for the debut at New York Fashion Week in the fall.”
“That’s so cool Oakley’s going to use them in all the marketing for their new resort too,” she says, looking back down at the sketch. “And it’s nice of you to advertise their venue.”
“Yeah, I think it will work out well for us both,” I answer stiffly. “And the photoshoot on the island should be beautiful.” It’s taking a lot of concentration not to wrap my arm around her, to pull Sage in even closer. Sagemightbe acting unusual since our kiss a month ago, but I know for a fact that I am. It’s as if I’d somehow been able to convince myself over the last seven or so years that kissing Sage wasn’t the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
But like the addict I am, now that I’ve had the reminder of what it felt like to have her wrapped around me with herlips on mine, it's all I can think about. I’ve been trying to throw myself into this new collection as a distraction, and we’ve been spending as much of our free time as we can with Parker and Oakley. I don’t want to give her more time to read into why I’m being so awkward, and I know she wouldn’t bring anything up in front of them.
But I also know Parker won’t agree to this arrangement forever. I need to get my act together and focus on the real reason I asked him to be my fake boyfriend in the first place. I honestly don’t give a shit about the money in the trust fund I’ll never see if I don’t marry a man. I’m happy with my life as is, and I don’t need it.
But my company is another story. I’ve had countless lawyers look through the contracts my dad signed years ago. The only way I can buy him out is if he’s willing to sell. He has no interest in that while the brand is doing so well.
But he’s also a politician. I know he’s a big enough asshole to try to sabotage the business if he felt like I was doing something that could hurt his reputation.
Like if I publicly told the truth about being a lesbian.
I have to find a way to convince him to sell so I can cut all ties and be free from my family for good. I have no immediate plans to come out, but I would like that option one day.
I’m almost thirty years old. I’d still like to find my own happily ever after with someone else someday. And I’ll never be able to do that if I’m hiding the truth about who I am. I’d like to be able to be myself without worrying aboutwhat anyone else thinks or feeling like I’m lying to everyone around me.
But the first person I should probably tell is Sage.
It wasn’t fair to her all those years ago to let her kiss me when she didn’t know how I felt, and it really wasn’t fair that I let her do it again last month. I owe her a huge apology, full of lots of rare plants and groveling.
It scares me, of course. She might not forgive me. It might create distance between us even if she does. But I can’t go on like this forever.
When Parker and I end our arrangement, I’ll tell her.
