“If I saw with my own eyes that you two were happy together, then I could move on. I could finally let her go and move on.”
He lets out a harsh bark of laughter. “You hear how fucked up that sounds, right? I don’t even know what the hell to do with that.” He raises his hands, palms up. “You used me. Do you get that? You didn’t just use me to get over her, Jordan. You used me to have her the only way you could. True, I asked for the advice, the tips. But she didn’t really have a chance to know the real me because I’ve been showing her you all this time. You’ve been dating her through me.”
I don’t have shit to say.
I’m stunned. Because he’s right. Thatiswhat I was doing.
Shame slides through me in a slick, oily glide.
“That’s not what I intended,” I tell him.
He laughs, and the serrated edges of it punctuate the air. “Intentions. We all know about intentions, right?” He lifts his arms, dropping his folded hands on top of his head. “You know what’s the most fucked-up thing about this, Jordan? I know you’re a good man and friend. And I’m not even angry about you being in love with Miriam.” He drops his arms, pinning me with a stare that has lost most of its heat but is weighed with more shadows. More disappointment. And that punches me, leaving me sore and desperate to rub the place on my sternum. “I’mupset you lied to me. We’re better than that.You’rebetter than that.” He shakes his head. “I don’t care what justifications you gave yourself, Jordan; you lied. To me, to Miriam. And if you love her like you say, you can’t begin a relationship with her with that deception between you.”
“You lied to me about what?”
We both jerk toward the new but very familiar voice in the room. Miriam stands just inside the doorway, her lovely face carefully blank.
Except for her eyes.
Her dark-brown eyes are watchful. Cautious.
Hopeful.
As if she’s longing for us to tell her she misheard. That I hadn’t lied to her.
God, I wish I could. I’d give anything if I could.
But I can’t. Because I’ve betrayed the cardinal rule of our friendship. Of my love for her.
I’ve lied with no ill intent, with no malice, and with only her happiness in mind. But it was still a lie.
Staring into Daniel’s anger and disappointment has punched a hole in my chest.
But confronting the heartbreaking blend of emotions suffusing Miriam’s face drives home the knowledge that I didn’t understand the concept of pain until this moment. Not until terror and grief mixed with it to saturate every tissue and tendon in my body.
Not until I breathe it.
“Jordan,” she says.
“I’m going to leave and let you two talk,” Daniel murmurs.
He nods at me and strides toward the library door, pausing next to Miriam.
“I’m sorry, Miriam.” He glances at me over his shoulder. “I had the opportunity to be honest with you, but I placed my wants above that. And I’m not proud of it. Especially knowing you’re going to be hurt by our decisions.” He lifts his hand as if to place it on her shoulder, but ithovers there. And at the last second, he lowers his arm back to his side. “I hope you can forgive us both.”
With one last look at me, he exits, closing the door behind him.
“What the hell is he talking about?” she asks, and it’s impossible to miss the note of panic creeping into her voice. “What decisions am I going to be hurt by?”
“Miriam,” I breathe, taking a step toward her, my hand outstretched to do ... what?
I don’t know. Like what I suspect happened with Daniel, I can’t touch her. Not with this bomb sitting here between us, waiting to detonate. Not when I’m not sure if she will want my hands on her again.
Maybe she’s thinking the same thing because she moves farther into the room but sidesteps me and my hand, claiming Daniel’s former position. Her arms fold around her chest, but then, with a frown, she drops them to her side.
“Tell me.”
“I asked you to give Daniel a chance and date him. After the first date went so horrible, he came to me for advice and ... tips on how to win you over. To show you he could be the perfect man for you.” I think back on that day. How I should’ve stopped to be honest with her. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t be here looking into her eyes as understanding slowly dawns. Understanding, hurt ... and betrayal. “So I did. I helped by telling him your hobbies, likes, dislikes. He wanted to—”
