“Oh sorry, they’re my meds,” Kai says, taking the bottle off me. I give him a small smile as I sit back down. I take a look around the room. There’s no TV, just a record player and tons of records in a cabinet. He’s always loved music, which is something we have in common. Going to gigs was a monthly thing for us back in the day.
His flat is messy, but it feels homely. You can tell an artist lives here.
“Do you want something to drink? I have lemonade, I think,” He asks, attempting to get up.
“Oh, no, I’m fine,” I reply. He then decides to sit back down and licks their lips a little. It makes me realize how dry mine are too. My throat feels like it’s closing up.
“How are you?” I ask, shifting in my seat.
“I’m okay,” he says with a few nods. “Yeah I’m just… getting on with life, you know?”
“Yeah, I get you. I’m glad you’re doing well.”
“Thanks, Noah.” The air is thick and I can feel my palms become sweaty. This is my best friend. Why am I struggling to talk to him? It hasn’t been that long, has it?
“What about you?” he asks, eyeing me. His hazel eyes are like a bar of milk chocolate. I almost forgot what his face looked like. It has been too long.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I just… I think I need a fresh start, to be honest with you. University wasn’t great,” I say, as Kai reaches for a lighter.
“Aw, so that’s where you ran off to,” Kai says, as he opens up a pack of cigarettes. A nervous laugh escapes me. He points to the open pack in his hand and asks if I want one.
“No, I’m okay, I have one actually.” I pull out the cigarette Arthur asked me to smoke when I arrived. I notice what he was trying to do and it makes me smile.
“So… fresh start… does that mean you’re staying?” Kai asks me, taking a draw of his cigarette. He places an ashtray in front of me and I give him a thankful smile.
“I want to, I think it’s what I need,” I say, before lighting my cigarette. The room fills up with smoke. It’s been so long since I did this with Kai. I’ve really missed it.
“Why don’t you stay here? I have a spare bedroom,” Kai proposes, his eyes locked on mine. I feel a weight being lifted off me. He must not be too mad at me if he’s willing to let me stay with him.
“You’re sure you wouldn’t mind? You’re not mad at me?” I ask before taking another draw of my cigarette.
“Why would I be mad at you?” He asks, not looking at me now. He sits with his legs in a basket before tipping more ash in the ashtray. His coffee table is a gorgeous wooden one with some space underneath for storage. There are a few different ashtrays - probably bought from some of the small businesses on the main strip of town.
“Harry kind of told me that you were,” I tell him slowly. My leg starts bouncing up and down. I don’t mean to throw Harry under the bus but I would rather get this out of the way rather than bottle it up.
“Well…” he begins, but takes another draw before he continues. “I was at first, but I got over it. We just didn’t expect you to just… leave like that. We just wish you had told us you were going,” he explains. I take a moment before replying, trying to get a concrete sentence out of my mouth.
“I just… I was devastated. I just wanted out of here. I regret not saying anything to you. I regret not staying in touch either. You didn’t deserve that,” I explain, the words falling out of my mouth. Sometimes I just speak until the right words eventually come out.
“It’s just… I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t want you to do this by yourself. You get what I mean? I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. And I didn’t know if you were ever coming back. It just… it hurt, but like I said, I got over it. I always do.”
“I really shouldn’t have done things the way that I did,” I say, my tongue laced with regret. If I could go back and do things differently, I probably wouldn’t have left home at all. I don’t think it was healthy for me. Then Jonathan would never have been in my life and I wouldn’t be so broken. I don’t think I’ve been doing anything right for a while. I have a chance to change things now.
“I’m sorry, Kai,” I tell him, his demeanour changes to something more lighthearted, which puts me at ease. My leg stops bouncing on its own.
“Honestly Noah, you’re a bitch, but I still love you,” he says, making us both smile. A small giggle escapes us both and I instantly feel relieved.
“So… you need a place to stay?” He asks again, looking at me in a way that reminds me of home. I miss having someone who cares so deeply and knows me so well. Arthur and I became really good friends, but growing up with Kai meant that we saw every side of each other - the good and the bad. He was the first person I told I was gay, and I was the first person he told he was trans. We trusted each other so deeply, and I’m glad that hasn’t changed. We’ve never been one for secrets.
“I do. I’d really like to be here. I want to be friends with you again,” I say, and I mean it. I let something golden end when it didn’t have to. I want to fix this.
“Me too,” Kai says with a smile. “Are you going to be okay here though? You know, after everything that happened?”
“I want a fresh start, man. I want to fix our friendship as well. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a little bit of closure. I want to try and mourn Mum properly. I just ran away thinking it would fix everything, when really it just made it worse.” Kai stands up and stubs his cigarette out in the ash tray.
“Promise me you’ll tell me if you’re struggling?” He asks with his pinky extended. We pinky promise then I’m pulled into a hug. I can smell their sea salt shampoo and all I want to do is cry tears of relief. I didn’t expect this to go so well.
“So, are there any boys coming to stay with us that I should know about?” Kai jokes, playfully punching my shoulder.
