“Maybe?” He laughs, then we both laugh together. When we calm down, I find myself staring at him. My eyes are lost in his, the way a ship gets lost in the vastness of an ocean. Then a fire lights up in my heart, a hunger I can’t describe. I think he senses it as we inch closer to each other.
I begin to stare at his lips in a way I’ve never done before. My mind races with images of leaning forward and doing what I desperately crave.
“You can do it, if you want to,” he whispers. I know exactly what he means. So I lean forward and put my lips onto his. His lips are soft, and I can’t help but taste his tongue. It tastes sweet like strawberries. The space between us is thin. His hair smells like summer, one that is never ending and filled with happiness I never thought I could grasp. I gently hold the hair on the back of his head while I try to get closer to him. I move my leg between his, slotting myself into a puzzle I never believed I could fit in. Our lips dance like fire, while my heart threatens to blow up likea firework. He places a hand on my lower back, and I almost scream at the touch I’ve been waiting for. Shivers run up my spine as I kiss him harder. Small gasps escape me. We pull back and stare at each other.
“Does this mean you want to be my boyfriend?” He asks sweetly, his eyes locking onto mine. I smile widely and kiss him again.
“Definitely,” I tell him. His hands caress the bare skin on my lower back, making me gasp. “Please, keep going,” I plead, my voice soft and quiet. He catches on, and kisses me deeply again, then he takes his thumb and strokes my cheeks. I wrap my leg around his body like a snake. I want to get closer. There’s no more space for me to take up, but I’m trying anyway. We twist round so that Teddy’s above me, resting on my chest. My legs wrap around his back as I kiss him deeper and deeper. Our tongues play with each other as I feel myself fall deeper and deeper into a rhythm. I’m devoted to his touch. I want to stay like this forever. I slide my hand up his t-shirt, caressing his bare back.
“Is that okay?” I ask in between kisses.
“Yeah, I’m all yours,” he whispers as my heart explodes. It feels like we’re the only ones that exist in the universe.
Suddenly, a hunger appears below my tummy. When he pulls back to look into my eyes, I already know what I want. He flashes me a smile as bright as the sun. God, I love that smile. I’d give anything to wake up to it every morning. Everything in me screamsyesas I pull him closer. His breath on my face makes me feel a kind of warmth I’ve never felt before.
He backs away before looking me in the eyes again. Tentative fingers brush against the crotch of my jeans, before he asks with his eyes if he can keep going. I nod yes before moving into his hand. The electric touch, even through thick fabric, makes my body scream. I rest my head on his shoulder. He continues torub up and down, which makes all the blood rush down there instantly. I unbutton my jeans, then his hand slides down my tummy and into my boxers. He kisses my neck, which is more sensitive than I thought. Fireworks explode in my heart as I groan into his shoulder. Touching me down there is not where I expected this to go, but I want it to.
But the more he touches me down there, my whole body begins to tremble, and not in a good way. I can’t help but think of bloody angel wings again. Why am I thinking about that? And why can’t I stop shaking?
“Are you okay, Noah?” Teddy asks tentatively. He rests his hand on my crotch before looking me in the eyes. The touch is electric, and it should be everything I wanted. Why can’t I stop shaking? What the fuck is wrong with me?
“It’s… I don’t know… I’m sorry,” I whisper, and Teddy stops touching me immediately. Embarrassment fills my cheeks with red as I put my hands over my face. I swing my legs till they’re hanging off the bed. I sigh loudly. I’m facing away from him, but he gets up and sits beside me.
“I’m sorry it’s not you… it’s…” I begin to say, but I suddenly feel breathless. I can’t get my hands to stop shaking.
“Noah, look at me… it’s okay,” he says, gently taking my hands away from my face. I try to fill my lungs up with air while my bottom lip trembles terribly.
“You’re not mad at me?” I ask, my eyes threatening to spill. I can feel tears falling, so I cover my eyes again. All I see is darkness.
This is Jonathan’s fault, isn’t it? I hate that that monster has ruined this for me. Why can’t I have this one thing? I can’t do it, even though I really want to. Why can’t I just do it? I’m such an idiot.
“Why would I be mad? Baby, look at me,” he says as he pries my hands away from my face again. “I’m not going to hurt you,okay? I promise you. If you don’t want to do something, you tell me. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.” I sit there for a moment thinking about what he’s saying. Something in me tells me I can tell Teddy about what happened to me. The thought makes me want to run away, but I carry on anyway.
“I need to tell you something,” I say as tears slide down my cheeks. He wipes them away with his thumbs.
“A couple of months before I came home… I was at a house party. I got really drunk while I was with a guy I thought I knew… but he… he took advantage of me and…” I trail off, not being able to finish the sentence. I think Teddy pieces the story together, though, his face is filled with so much blue, which makes me wish I didn’t tell him. His eyes look glassy, like they’re sharing the pain I feel.
“I’m so sorry, Noah… I can’t believe that happened to you. I’m so so sorry,” he says as I lean into his chest. He grips me in a way that makes me feel slightly better.
“I… is it okay if we don’t have sex right now?” I ask Teddy, who’s eying me tenderly. He has such a caring look on his face, which makes me melt a little.
“Of course it is,” he says with a soft smile on his face. I wipe my eyes before gripping him tighter.
“I know I’m not ready for that… but I know I want it to be with you. Can we just take things slow?” I ask, placing my hand in his.
“Of course we can. I want you to feel safe.”
“I do feel safe. Honestly, you make me feel the safest I’ve been in years.” We stay like that for a few moments, just cuddling. I place a kiss on his cheek.
“Can we just kiss like we were? And… cuddle?” I say with red filling my cheeks. The smile on his face is so bright and full of life that it scares me. I don’t want to mess this up. What would I do without that smile to light up my world?
“You make me so happy, Noah. I need you to know that,” Teddy says, his chocolate hair glowing in the light. A small chuckle escapes me as we lie back down again, just staring at each other. His face is that of an angel. He’s perfect to me. He leans forward, we close our eyes, and he rubs my nose with his, which makes me laugh a little.
“I’ve dreamed of this ever since I saw you at the train station,” he whispers.
“I was literally a mess. What exactly did you see in me?” I laugh as he cups my cheek with his hand.
“I saw someone who was trying. And was also just sohotlike… how does that even happen? Have you looked in the mirror?” He laughs, kissing me again. The fire in my heart hasn’t gone away.
