Harry studies me for a minute. I’ve changed since he last saw me. I have blood-red hair instead of my natural brown, I use contacts instead of glasses, and my entire wardrobe is now a goth boy’s dream.
Plus, I’m on my own instead of having my Mum next to me.
We were always joined at the hip, but as I got older, I started doing my own thing. Now, looking back, I wish I had spent every moment with her instead of being selfish.
We walk to the car without a word. I fidget with my angel chain, twirling it around my finger. My Mum bought it for me when I turned sixteen. She always called me her little angel, as she was never supposed to be able to have children. But then one day she fell pregnant with me, by some miracle, she used to say. My Dad died shortly after I was born, so I don’t remember much of him. It was always just my mum and me.
Now it’s just me.
We climb into the car and I gawk at how nice Harry’s car is. It’s new and sleek, which makes sense for a successful business owner like him. He must be doing alright with it if he can afford something like this.
Harry has a stern look on his face, as if he stubbed his toe on a rusty nail, and I was the one who left it there.
“Are you mad at me?” falls out of my mouth. I didn’t mean to say that, but it was what Iwantedto say. I guess, my mouth decided for me. I have a habit of that.
“No, I’m not… I’m just,” he hesitates. I was kind of waiting for a ‘but’ because I know I messed up with him. With everyone, I guess. “Last year you just got up and left without saying a word to me or Kai,” He says. I can hear the pain in his voice.
Harry rarely shows emotion, but I can tell what I did to them stung.
“Harry I’m really, really sorry, I just wasn’t thinking straight. I just wanted out of here… so I left.” That is such a shitty excuse but it’s the truth.
I had a meltdown in the hospital. Seeing Mum hooked up to all those machines was painful. I couldn’t stop uncontrollably sobbing. But after I left, I just shut down. I didn’t speak to anyone. I started to move so slowly, almost like a zombie. A part of me knew I should have told them I was leaving, but I was so consumed by the pain that it was swallowing me up. I was drowning again, it had happened before. But I didn’t have my mother this time to help me stay afloat. And that scared the shit out of me.
“It’s fine, honestly. I was just upset about what happened. I just wish you had given us a chance to help you through it.” We sit in silence for a moment. I look out at the gorgeous scenery bathed in sunlight.
I’ve missed being home.
“So, how are you keeping?” Harry asks after a few seconds of awkward silence.
“Um,” I begin, not knowing how to answer that. My first year without my mum has been awful. Her funeral was terrible. Not because it was bad, it was lovely. I just wish it were someone else’s.
If I’m being honest, I didn’t believe the doctors when they told me she passed away. I thought that it was some sort of sick joke. I literally laughed at them. I genuinely didn’t believe them until I saw my mother’s body in the open casket.
There were flowers, so many flowers. She always loved nature. She used to spend ages running around the house taking care of them. We had a membership for the Eden Project too. She was at her happiest surrounded by all the pretty plants and flowers they have there.
I couldn’t speak. Not a lot. Every time I went to say something, it was like there was a rock in my throat. The person who raised me and loved me with all that she had was just a body in a wooden box. Eyes closed. Heart still. Deathly quiet.
I couldn’t handle it.
I half expected her to get out of the coffin with a smile. I wanted her to hug me like nothing had happened. But she didn’t. She was dead. And I wasn’t quite dead, but I didn’t feel alive either.
I still don’t. Not yet.
Then everything went downhill from there. I had nightmares every single night, I hardly slept, and I had to go on the strongest medications I could get. I felt like a zombie most days. I couldn’t eat much either. There were so many drugs, legal and illegal, lying around my flat. It made me look like an addict. I was embarrassed.
I should be able to live life without drugs. Without craving the relief of them. I haven’t taken anything in a while, maybe just the odd joint or two. And I want to keep it that way. If I’m going to try again I want to do it without drugs.
“Noah?” I hear Harry say. I snap out of my daydream and look at him.
“I’m okay. Or at least I will be.”
“I just don’t want you to overwhelm yourself,” he says. Maybe he’s right. He’s probably been worried sick about me. And I hate myself for it. I need to do this for me, but also for Mum. She wanted me to have a good life. I don’t want to just throw it away.
“This is a fresh start. I’m coming here to get back on track,” I tell him, and it’s true. I really want this to work out for me. I’ll be okay. I have to be. I don’t want to end up back on a rooftop.
“And I’ll be here for you. So will Kai. You’ll be okay, I know you will. You’re strong, even if you don’t think so.”
I can be strong. I can do this.
