“You and me both.” I reached to cup his cheek so he would know it was not his touch that repelled me, but sense. “I am utilizing all of my willpower to not take you right now, but you are more than my next conquest, little raven. You could be my last. And I want our first time together to be with soberer minds. Also, when it is time, you will need more… preparation.”
“So I have heard.” Ravnur snorted. “And felt.” He was drunk enough to still be bold, for he traced his fingers over the bulge in my trousers that he had no doubt felt while grinding atop me. He retracted his touch quickly though and nuzzled his cheek against my palm. “But this, tonight, is enough. Any time spent in your presence, Fricco, is enough. And should you ever need or want anything from me, please know I am always,willalways be here for you. No matter how this ends.”
Oh, how much I hadn’t realized those words were needed. I couldn’t bear losing Ravnur from my life as I’d lost Gerdr. I couldn’t bear not having his company, his friendship, his… whole-heartedly given affections. And it was then that I fully realized I couldn’t bear not having him right here as he was now. With me.
As tempting as my wine-addled brain made it to take Ravnur right here in this bed, I held my resolve and kissed him sweetly, chastely, in good night.
“Thank you, Raven. And so too, will I be here for you.”
RavnurandIfellasleep quickly, though it was I who roused first, just before dawn. With a sobered mind, I felt restless merely lying beside him. He was always lovely, but somehow lovelier still without the burdens of waking life in his expression. Had I not feared waking him, I might have kissed him for how tempting his partially parted lips looked.
Instead, I risked waking him another way by leaving the bed, but thankfully, the bounce from the removal of my weight barely stirred him.
I slipped outside, seeking to settle my disquiet with fresh air and the view of the rising sun. On a clear morn, it was always beautiful to see the radiant reds and purples of dawn, but in Freya’s domain, watching it between distant mountains at the river’s edge was especially spectacular.
Us gods do not choose our domains, the tenets that encompass our nature. We are gods of what we naturally come to have the most affinity for. The sun is constant, magnificent, and only a danger if not enjoyed in moderation. Rain is as well, and there is peace to be found in both. A good harvest cannot exist without both. Abundance is found in the give and take of nature. To be truly prosperous and at peace, one must give themselves over to all we are helpless to control. Because I believed that more than anything, I became the god thatcouldcontrol such things.
But as I was wont to express myabundancein bedchambers, I never truly knew love the way my sister did. I never understood it until I thought I had it and lost it.
“What are you doing?” Freya’s voice reached me, and because I could sense her nearness, I did not bother turning to look but continued to watch the horizon.
“Enjoying the sunrise. There was a time when we weren’t sure if we would see another one, remember?” It had always been foretold of Ragnarök that us gods who perished and the realms lost to darkness would be reborn, but we could never be certain until it was upon us.
“Imean,” Freya said pointedly, coming up to stand beside me, wearing a dark blue shawl she had clutched around her to combat the morning briskness, “what are you doing with that poor infatuated boy?”
“You keep calling him that, but Ravnur is no mereboy, sister.”
“He is young for an elf! He is also absolutely in love with you.”
“I know.”
“Well?”
“I’m not running.” I glanced at her, and her incredulous look in reply made me add, “I’m not avoiding either. I’m pacing myself! Having bedded half my people, believe me, rushingintobed has not gotten me anything but—”
“Off?”
“Sister!”
“Oh please.” She looked out to watch the sunrise herself. “I like him and simply wish to know if you are stringing him along, or is this finally, maybe,itfor you? As in the real it that spans ages and will be told as epics across the realms?” The sudden softness to her voice, teasing though it remained, made me smile.
I looked out again at the brightening sunrise too. “I do not doubt Ravnur’s affections. I perhaps still doubt mine. Maybe because I am afraid. It all seemed so clear when I spotted him at your stables, yet when I think of a future with someone, anyone, I worry those affections could be fleeting, and he’ll come to his senses someday. Others have professed love or lust for me, butthey do not know me as anything more than their god and king. Ravnur is my friend, but he doesn't know me as an equal either, not really, and not yet as a lover. What if he no longer feels the same once he does?”
“How could you ever know if you do not meet him on equal ground and let that intimacy blossom naturally?”
“I'm trying to. But sometimes, all I see of myself is my flaws and reasons for him to eventually leave me as Gerdr did. If I give myself to him, if I give over to this blossoming love within me, and still lose him, what will be left of me?”
Freya’s answering silence was unlike her. I rarely left my sister speechless. Eventually, she sighed. “No one is perfect. Although, as far ascocksgo, yours does qualify.”
“Sister!” I looked to her with even more of a start—only to seeLokiwhere she had been.
“Yes,brother?” He twiddled his fingers in a wave.
“Gods damn it! Must you do that?”
“What? Who else were you going to tell the truth to if not the lady of cats?”
I promptly shoved Loki for good measure, if brothers we be. He was insufferable, but I did believe he meant well. Usually.
