He looks all around the room, the eye contact is poor, the delivery worse. Spit it out, boy.
‘When you showed up again in my life, it just got me thinking about stuff, about the direction my life has gone in and my relationship, my marriage. There was a time I really loved you. I was an idiot for what I did at the time and how I treated you. And…’
Holy crapballs.
‘I think part of me wonders if you are the love of my life. I think I’m still in love with you.’
The actual holiest of crapballs.
‘Josh?’
‘Yeah?’
‘No?’
His face falls somewhere between crestfallen and insulted. I’ve just done something super romantic, right? That’s what all girls want. To hear that they’re loved, validated and someone wants them? No?
‘What are you doing?’ I ask him.
‘I’m telling you how I feel. I’m just being honest.’
‘You don’t love me…’
‘Well, isn’t that up to me and how I feel?’
‘So you want to have sex with me?’
‘Well, I…’
‘You said you wanted to be honest.’
‘I guess… You’re really fit.’
‘That’s not love, Josh.’
‘Nah, I mean… I think it all means something. Why did you thinkIwas still your boyfriend when you woke up? You forgot everything else? Why did you think about me? Maybe it’s a sign.’
‘It’s a sign I had a complete brain scramble. You are married with kids, don’t do this.’
‘But––’
‘But what, you want to shag? Or have an affair? Or leave your wife and start a life with me, see your boys every other weekend? Yeah, I’m not the girl you’re looking for if that’s what you want.’
‘You don’t think we were in love back then? The more I think about it, it was the most in love I’ve ever been…’
Really? More than with your wife, the mother of your children, your own sons? What an awful thing to say. If I could, I’d drop kick him out of this window. He stands up, almost asking me to throw him a bone. And that’s when a memory comes flooding back to me. We’re standing outside some toilets…
‘Don’t go to university, Lucy. Please…’ he begs.
‘But it’s London. It’s literally just down the road. It’s not like I’m going to Glasgow. You can visit whenever you want?’ I answer.
‘Don’t you love me?’
‘I do. Of course, you know that.’
‘Then stay. You can do all sorts of distance courses these days. I’ve looked some up for you.’
‘Where has this all come from? Why don’t you want me to go?’ I try and hold his hand but he won’t let me near it.
