“When you say it like that, sure, it sounds ridiculous. But I can’t risk not having BamBam. I care if she hates someone I like.” I took a deep breath, pulling my shoulders back andforcing myself to look at him. “I’m not like you. I don’t have a dad who wants to play goofy old-school music while the whole family hangs out together. I have a dad who thinks that my creativity is his future financial burden and a mom who thinks I could be pretty if I’d only try. BamBam is all I’ve got.”
“You don’t have to give her up to date me.” Ethan shook his head, his voice taking on a desperate edge. The air between us felt heavy as the café’s espresso machine whirled and scratched as it made drinks. “We can come up with a plan. We’ll figure it out. Please…don’t do this. Don’t start hiding again.”
“I’m not hiding.” That word snagged on my mind, irritating me like a grain of sand in my eye.
“Yes, you are.” Ethan’s voice had a hard edge as his eyebrows knitted together.
“No, I’m not.” I shook my head, the tone of my voice matching his. “I just want to get along with my family. You wouldn’t understand.”
Ethan snorted. “Your family is different than mine, but that doesn’t mean mine doesn’t argue. We’re just brave enough to talk through it.”
“So now I’m ridiculous and a coward?” My words sounded sharper than I’d meant them to.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Ethan held his hands up as if the gesture alone would slow down the conversation. “What I meant was that my family can disagree and still work it out.”
“That explanation didn’t make it better.” I closed my laptop and glared at Ethan, daring him to say anything other than that he was wrong.
He took a long, slow breath and then another. After whatfelt like forever, he said, “Being who you are takes courage. But who you are is better and more loveable than the person you’re showing your family. You have a choice, Jamie.”
“I…” The words halted in my throat. It felt like he’d dumped cold water on my anger. I wanted to stay mad. Mad was easier. But I didn’t have a response to what he’d said. Tears pricked at my eyes, and my gaze fell to the table. I did not want to cry. I wanted this to be over. He wasn’t wrong about me protecting the parts of me that my parents wouldn’t love. But the problem wasn’t simple. If my parents’ unconditional love and support were as easy as wishing for it, I’d have had those things by now. I didn’t know what the answer was. I only knew that I wasn’t willing to lose the love my grandma offered in order to find it.
I bit down on my lower lip to try to stop it from trembling, then took a shuddering breath. “I wanted to choose you.”
“That’s the part that hurts.” Ethan’s shoulders sagged even as his jaw set. He stood up and took a deep breath. “You don’t have to choose me. Or anyone, really. Just choose you. You have too much to offer to waste your time chasing someone else’s idea of who you should be.”
Then he turned and walked away, my heart splintering with every step. As soon as he rounded the corner, tears started to roll down my face. I’d told myself this was for the best. And it was. But right now, it just really, really hurt.
1 Week Later: When the Chips Are Down
CHAPTER TWENTY
I pushed the hood ofmy brother’s oversized sweatshirt off my head and walked into Dalia’s Dry Cleaning, hoping it would make me look less pathetic. I’d spent the week since I got back to Chicago wallowing in self-pity. Mostly, I’d managed to keep from crying in front of my family and at school, but all bets were off when I was alone, making the drive to and from places, being in the shower, or being in my room potential cry-fest hot spots.
“Remind me again of the phone number, sweetheart,” Dalia said, her fingers hovering above the black keyboard. She hadn’t asked me anything unusual. I literally gave Mom’s phone number every time I picked up her and Dad’s starched shirts, but something about the question made me feel like the floor was going to fall out from under me.
“Seven, seven, three—” I stopped as my throat tightened. It wasn’t that long ago that Ethan had asked me for my phone number—
Nope. I shook my head. I wasn’t going to think about him in public. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I started again. “Eight, six, seven—”
Unsummoned, tears started leaking out of my eyes. Of all the things that could have made me start to cry in public, this was the one that broke me? A phone number?
“Are you okay, Jamie?” Dalia looked alarmed as I sucked in a shuddering breath.
“I’m f-f-fine,” I stammered as my vision clouded over. The bell above the door dinged to indicate another customer had walked in, and I peered over my shoulder to see who else was about to see me surprise-cry. An older person in a bright purple jacket and very crisply creased pants was waiting behind me in line, staring at me like I might be contagious.Great. I’m scaring people on top of being miserable.Taking another deep breath, I tried to start again, feeling the weight of the person’s eyes on my back. “Five—”
Another big tear rolled down my cheek, and something that felt suspiciously like a hiccup-sob forced its way out of my chest. Swiping at the tear, I turned to my left and saw the small alterations booth in the corner. Dalia nodded encouragingly, but I couldn’t get the next number out. I missed Ethan. And no amount of running stupid errands for my parents on a Saturday was going to change that. Glancing back at Dalia, I choked out, “I need a minute.”
Dashing into the booth, I managed to draw the light-blue velvet curtain behind me before dropping onto the little wooden bench to sob. I tried to focus on my breathing and pushthe thoughts of Ethan out of my mind. I’d broken things off for a good reason. It was just really hard to feel okay about it rightnow.
“I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m o—”
“Want me to call someone?” Dalia said, her voice delicate from the other side of the curtain as the customer bell rang again.
“No, th-th-thank y-y-you,” I blubbered. Although, calling someone did feel like a good idea. I fished around my giant front pocket trying to find my phone so I could video call Nittha and Gabby, since they were the only ones who even knew about Ethan in the first place. Pressing the Call button, I sniffled. Almost immediately, they both came up on-screen.
“Hey, friends!” Nittha bounced, the pink walls of her bedroom flashing at me like silent, happy little trolls.
“Hey. Hey.” Gabby grinned at us. She was sitting outside in the sunshine, one of those typical skinny Florida-subdivision palm trees waving at me from the background as if daring me to keep it together.
