Wow, she’s going straight for the deep cuts. I get it now. They’re playing on our duality. She is supposed to be my twin, the other side of my personality—notmy good side. It’s as if she is the shadow of my psyche, my shadow self. But what does she want?
I sit down on the ground, expecting this to take some time. She mirrors the movement, starting a silent standoff. Somewhere in the background, I hear Lenny shout. I go to look as my twin clicks her tongue, saying, “You always have to be the hero, don’t you?”
My head whips back. “That’s not true.”
A sharp sensation pricks my skin.What was that?“No? Not always flying off the handle to protect others?”
“No.”
The prickling ensues. My shadow self cackles, “Lying to yourself doesn’t feel so good, does it?”
She’s doing this to me?AmI lying to myself? I take a different angle:“There is nothing wrong with caring for those you love.” No prickling, thank the stars.
“But who loves you?” Her words wound me, hitting something deep within me.
“What do you want?” I ask through gritted teeth.
“A whisper you refuse to claim, and always the first you are to blame. Try to evade me, but you’ll never be whole, for I am ink upon the soul. Look inside and let it be known; only then shall I grant you the stone.”
Nope, we are not the same—I, for one, do not speak in riddles. I consider the assignments Orion has had me complete over the past few weeks. He has asked me to examine my shining accomplishments, my deepest secrets, and my biggest regrets. He has encouraged me repeatedly to remember who I am.
Lenny yells in anger. I ignore her and look this time, seeing him grip each side of the mirror as he screams heatedly. What is his twin saying to get him so worked up?Focus, Zellie.
“You can’t protect him. You can barely protect yourself.”
The retort is on my tongue before I can stop it. “That’s not true!”
I hiss through the pain, “I’m trying my best.”
“You’re jealous of Jada and your friends back home. You don’t miss them; you haven’t thought of them beyond the envy of wishing you were in their place and not here in these Games.”
Shame heats my skin. “Truth.”
The twin looks down on me, making me feel inferior. “You push away safety and seek danger, even knowing your heart requires the former.”
I reflect on my actions, my desires. “I do.” Stars above, I do.
“You seek acceptance. You want to be loved. Yet your insecurities arrange a barricade surrounding you, making you blind to thosewho already do.” Is that true? I swallow the growing lump in my throat. Of course, it is.
“Yes,” my voice wobbles.
“You care so little about yourself that you continue to put yourself recklessly in peril’s path.” Her voice drips with condescension.
It’s easy to forget to love yourself when you focus all your energy on others. “I have been careless with myself.”
“That anger within you is fuel. You aspire to be so much more, but what is stopping you from lighting the match?”
I use Orion’s meditative practices to center myself and regulate my breathing. Closing my eyes, I consider every facet of my character. I carry the capacity to be cruel, knowing precisely what to say or how to hurt someone. I’m not afraid to use that to my advantage. Above all, I fear being powerless. Evident in how I’ve thrown myself into every activity and hobby in Lunara to be successful—to feelneeded—and even more blatantly so here in Astralis. I want control; I want power, and I hate how small I have been made to feel.
This is why I avoided the exercises during training. Acknowledging my imperfections hurts.
“Fear. Fear of failure. Of not being enough.”
It’s easy to ignore the parts of ourselves that do not shine brightly. No one wants to see the ugliness that is harbored in shadows. When you sit with yourself long enough, you find every crack, every detail of what is perceived to be wrong with you. But while you’re observing who you are, you also realize the strength inside you. That you were enough all along. My light would not shine so brilliantly without the shadows that surround it.
My shadow self watches me work through my thoughts and feelings. She wants acknowledgement. She is as much a part of me as my positive traits are.
"I hold both compassion and cruelty within my heart. I am laughter wrapped in insecurity, joy intertwined with anger. While I am not perfect, I may falter, but I am enough. I am human, one full of flaws, and I embrace the darkness within me the same as I welcome the light.”
