Turning on his heel swiftly, he left, but not before locking me in.
Almost as soon as he did, I began pacing nervously around the apartment since standing still would have been unbearable. Of course, I knew Einar would be furious with me. Right about when I fired the first arrow at Albert, somewhere at the foggy back of my sleep-deprived mind, a brief vision emerged of Einar shouting at me angrily. Rather unfortunately, it never occurred to me in my muddled state to consider thathemight beatme. Such a transgression against chivalry seemed unthinkable at the time, despite his explicit warning of the day before. Yet no matter how much our mutual affection grew, our relationship was not on an equal footing. Dazzled by my infatuation with Einar, I had almost forgotten that I was his to command. Andthat disregarding his commands could have consequences well beyond a quarrel.
The apartment was dim and full of shadows in the feeble early morning light. Yet I could see plainly as day that Einar deciding to take vengeance on me for my disobedience was not entirely out of the question. The floor creaked under my feet as I marched to and fro like a caged animal. Scared just as much as I was perversely intrigued.
My upper arms hurt dully in the spots where his fingers had closed on them. I rubbed them gingerly, recalling all too vividly the manner in which he had escorted me upstairs. I realised that I was trembling. I was beginning to feel nauseated too, shocked more by the recollection of Einar’s abrupt violence than I had been when its execution was taking place.
As much as I found Einar’s total physical advantage over me maddening and knee-weakening, as much as I had fantasised about all sorts of uses for his splendid strength, the idea that he may do me serious harm was still wildly repulsive and all the more terrifying for the trust I had placed in him, for the safety I had thought to have found in him.
I tried in vain to expel images of snapping limbs and knocked-out teeth from my mind, feebly attempting to convince myself that he wouldn’t do that to me. But the truth was I didn’t know what he might do.
Although ... knowing him, I expected his to be a dignified, methodical, cold kind of fury. He would likely be fully in control of his temper, potentially merciless but not unreasonable. With luck, he would consider it stooping too low to beat me the way he would another man. I shivered some more. Looking out on the forested mountain slopes from the living room window, I realised that pacing around did nothing to dispel my anxiety, and I stopped in my tracks.
Einar would thrash me with a belt like an insubordinate schoolgirl, I decided was the most likely thing to occur, and savagely at that, but without causing any permanent damage. Yes, that made sense. He would want to be able to tell himself he was teaching me a lesson rather than taking revenge.
I could bear that, I tried to convince myself. At worst, I would not be able to sit comfortably for some time. In all fairness, it would not be completely undeserved. An unhinged sort of relief flooded me, and with it, the earlier shameful curiosity came back, its wings flapping low in my belly and fuelling an unexpected breed of bravery.
I would suggest that mode of retribution to him, I decided. Better not let him think of anything worse. I might even get on his good side by voluntary submission to his will.
The door swiftly opened with a bang, and Einar marched back inside in a stride, disturbing my anguished thoughts. As he advanced towards me, I let out a positively terrified yelp and cowered slightly, backing into a wall. My inadvertent reaction froze him in his tracks.
“Ren, what the hell?”
The light from the window didn’t quite reach his face, and so his expression was largely concealed from me. The whitely gleaming coffee table was directly in between us, I noted, grateful for a potential obstacle in his path to me.
“Listen ...” I forced myself to say, my voice unsteady.
“I am,” he assured me levelly.
“You’re r-right to be furious. What I did went completely against your wishes.”
I cursed myself internally for the choice of word. I needed a better one to acknowledge his authority over me, loath as I was to do it.
“Against your instructions,” I corrected, deciding thatorderswould have taken it a notch too far.
“So it did.” He nodded, breathing audibly through the nose. “Ones from yesterday, mind, so you can hardly claim to have forgotten.”
“I didn’t forget,” I assured him quickly. “And the way things stand between us, that is to say, I have to assume that you might want to ...”
I searched for the right word frantically, but I felt as if the cogs of my exhausted mind were running at full speed, but without interlocking and so without rendering results.
“Punish me,” I completed the sentence after what seemed an eternity.
I saw Einar frown, but he said nothing, and the word hung heavy between us.
“If you’ve decided to do that, then I won’t try to talk you out of it. But please don’tknock me around.It could go wrong very easily, and you need me to take Vizzavona. I won’t be much use to anyone with a broken limb or even a broken finger ...”
I rattled on about his potential to inadvertently cause me serious damage. Even in the dim light, I saw his eyes go very wide. I wasn’t sure how to interpret that, but set firmly on my course, I ploughed on unhappily.
“That is all to say, if you do feel like you have to, uhm, punish me, then ... use a belt. You know what I mean.” I felt blood rushing hotly underneath the surface of my skin. “If you do, I promise I won’t resist you. As far as I can help myself.”
He shifted his weight, straightening up. And then he trapped me in his gaze, the pools of his eyes cool and impenetrable. Finally, I couldn’t bear it anymore and submitted the polished wooden floor beneath my feet to the same level of scrutiny.
Einar made a rumbling noise in his throat. I looked up again.
“Come here then,” he told me simply. Smiling odiously, he crooked his finger at me.
I felt myself deflate, tears prickling in the corners of my eyes. I wobbled towards him slowly and unsteadily, my heart in my throat, until I stood directly before him. I stared into his chest, expanding and then constricting with each breath. I squeezed my hands into tight balls. Waited for what seemed a very long time.
