I didn’t take his words lightly. As much as he enjoyed wheedling vulgarity out of me, he himself hardly ever swore when talking to me. When he did, it was for emphasis.
I nodded doubtfully, unsure if he would see me do so.
“Besides,the purpose it’s meant to have? Please. As far as I’m concerned, a baby would have been a byproduct of what we have at best. Not the purpose at all. No, listen.” Sensing that I was about to protest, his hand sought my face, and he covered my mouth with his finger, silencing me. “I know what you meant, but even in nature, children are only the result of fulfilling a need. Not themselves its objective.”
“Hoot hoot,” sounded directly above us as if in agreement with Einar’s words, the owl alerting us to its continued presence.
“I’m not like Petr. To look at you and only see the one thing you cannot do is like looking at the Sistine Chapel and only seeing a building. And it reflects solely on the person looking. Not on you.”
He laid his hand flat on my lower stomach, where my scar was concealed underneath my clothing. I suppressed the urge to shrug it off, knowing it was no accident that Einar placed it there specifically.
“You’re fascinating, Ren, one of a kind. I knew almost from when I first met you that you were like me. A wolf among sheep.”
I sensed his smile somewhere above the corner of my eye.
“Without you, the world was grey, and now there’s colour in it. That’s what I care about.”
It was getting colder, and I snuggled closer to him. Instantly, he wrapped his arms tighter around me, supplying me with his own bodily heat.
“I’ve never told you this, but my mother left shortly after I was born. She went back to Norway and never came back. Never tried to get in touch with my dad again once the divorce went through. Never asked after me.”
“Oh, Einar, I’m so sorry.” I propped myself on my elbow and kissed him, not minding the dirt and pebbles that cut into my forearm. “Now I feel bad for every time I complained to you that I never knew my father. Why didn’t it even occur to me that you may have had it worse?”
Einar made an indeterminate sort of noise at the back of his throat to convey his sangfroid as far as that topic went.
“My point is, I’ve seen it first-hand that a relationship is never not threatened, never not altered, by the addition of a child.” He paused for a second, considering. “Why risk something that’s already perfect? All the pleasure I can have with you without ever being forced to face the consequences of my actions. All the passion never to be extinguished by the onerous demands of its own products ...”
His breathing slowed while speaking the last two sentences, and his posture changed, his whole body tightening as he kissed me with unusual tenderness and his hands sought my hips.
“If only there weren’t something so very appealing about being the man who finally gives you what you want the most.” He took a deep breath, and I felt him stiffen in the dark with the air of someone making a monumental decision. “That is to say ... I’m happy for us to try. If you want whatever little chance I can give you?”
I froze, my heart speeding up and my throat suddenly very dry, my very senses assaulted by the unreality of what he was suggesting.
“Are you serious?!”
“Always.”
“But youjustsaid ...”
“I know what I said.”
“But you know how unlikely it is!”
“Not what I asked.”
“Even if it did happen, it would be so dangerous.”
“I dread to think. But I want it to be your choice.”
“But what if the impossible does happen and I get pregnant immediately? You need me for clearing!”
Einar exhaled heavily with exaggerated impatience. Despite not being able to see his face clearly, I could visualise his expression: eyebrows arched, eyes sharp and penetrating as always, and the slight tugging of a smile at the corners of his mouth.
“Do you want it or not, Ren? That’s all you need to decide, simple as that. I’ll take care of the rest, no matter what.”
The answer was on the tip of my tongue, and yet I hesitated. Yes, I wanted it, damn it, even though I knew I shouldn’t have. Not only because Einar and I hadn’t known each other for long. Not even because, as I had just pointed out to that slovenly woman in red, getting pregnant on purpose during the worst pandemic in history was completely irresponsible. I could live with being a hypocrite. No, the main reason why I had to refuse was that I knew, Iknew, that in my circumstances, hope could only lead to heartbreak. I had to say no ...
“My answer is yes,” I said instead, elated as well as resigned. “Yes, I’ll take whatever chance I can get.”
