“Beta, don’t worry about what people think about you. The only person you need to impress isyou.” Mom frowned. “Don’t break the law again, but it’s okay not to be perfect.”
Jana smiled, looking at the mess around her. She would need to learn to embrace the mess if she wanted to make samosas.
“Thanks, Mom. Hey, can we put chilies in some of these? Anil likes more heat.”
***
One thing was crystal clear now—it didn’t matter what her mother, her culture, her coworkers, Nadia, or even Dr. Lopez thought about her past and present. All that mattered was what Jana thought.
Jana was tired of things beingeasyif they didn’t make her happy. She loved Anil Malek, and if Nadia and Rohan were right that he wanted to be with her, too, this could be the beginning of the rest of her life.
A life of happiness. A life less alone.
But what she did need to think about was how exactly to proceed. Maybe she should just show up at his condo. She could apologize for canceling their dinner and beg him to hear her out—she could explain all her past hurt and feelings of betrayal that came to the surface when Maria told her that he was with Nadia again. Or maybe she could do a grand gesture—have a dozen roses sent to him. Or better, she could just show up wearing nothing but a trench coat.
Jana laughed to herself. None of those things were remotely Jana-like. Jana had been stepping out of her comfort zone—letting loose—for weeks now. And it had worked—her elementhadchanged. She was more than willing to take risks that she wouldn’t have even a month ago.
But she couldn’t just show up at Anil’s—namely, because Imani was there. It was funny—she would have thought starting a relationship with Anil would be convenient because they already had a child together. Dating as a single parent had always been complicated. But dating the father of her child was extra complicated—because whenever she didn’t have Imani and was free to be alone with him, he would have their daughter.
It was late—past eleven o’clock. She should probably wait until the morning to do anything. But she’d already let this go on too long.
She texted him.
Jana:I’m so sorry about before. Can we talk? I had a rough day, and I’d love to explain why I was so curt with you earlier. I hope we’ll still be able to go to dinner. That Peruvian place sounds lovely.
Jana kept her phone by her bed all night but didn’t hear back. Maybe she’d ruined things with Anil before they’d even started.
***
It was past noon and Jana still hadn’t gotten a response from Anil. She finally texted him again, asking if he’d gotten her message the night before and telling him she needed to speak to him.
Anil:No need to explain. I spoke to Nadia this morning. She heard from Maria. I know what happened at Think and why you pushed me away again.
Jana:If you knew, why didn’t you respond to my text?
He didn’t answer right away, but eventually a new message came through.
Anil:You told me to leave you alone. And that’s what I did. What I’ve always done.
She couldn’t hear or see him, but there was bitterness dripping off his words.
Jana:What do you mean?
Anil:You pushed me away. Again. You even asked if I was with Nadia again. Seriously? Come on, Jana. How could you think that after everything that’s happened in the last few weeks?
Jana:But you didn’t tell me that you were even talking to her! What was I supposed to think after I saw that post on Instagram? You weren’t honest with me, even though you said we were friends.
Anil:I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you would do this exact thing. And let’s be real here—Nadia has been a better friend to me lately than you have.
That felt like a knife to her chest. But the truth was, he was right. When Jana didn’t respond, he continued.
Anil:It hurts that after everything, you still don’t trust me. I can’t keep doing this—fighting for you and walking on eggshells. I don’t want to tiptoe around your hot-and-cold attitude forever. All I wanted was a chance to get to know each other again. I was planning to tell you all about Nadia coming back into my life as soon as I saw you. Jana, you know how I feel about you…and if that’s not enough to make you want to fight for us, then I don’t see how this can ever work.
Jana stared at the phone. He didn’t want her anymore. Jana had ruined it. She’d run away from him twice now. And she’d treated him horribly. Anil had had enough.
But he’d never really been open with her, either. She didn’t actually know how he felt about her. Because he’d never told her. Rohan and Nadia said that he cared about her, and yeah, maybe this argument was proof that it was true, but it had beenJanawho’d proposed going on a date. It had been Jana who’d said she wanted to see if they could maybe be together. He claimed he had, but he’d never really fought for her, either. Buying her socks and chocolate bars wasn’t the same thing as telling her how he felt.
Jana closed her eyes, leaning her head back on the sofa. There was no point. They were terrible at communication, and maybe there was too much damage. Jana let herself wallow in what could have been for a few seconds, before she sat up with a start.
