“I will accept whatever choice you make. And if it’s a choice that makes you and Imani happy, I will be happy, too. I love you, beta.”
***
Dr. Lopez’s and Mom’s words wouldn’t leave Jana’s mind. Was Jana letting other people’s opinions get in the way of her own happiness? She still hadn’t really talked to Anil since getting home. Little contact was normal between them—but Janamissedhim. A lot. She’d grown used to being around him again. At Hatari they promised they’d talk once they were home, but they were clearly both avoiding it.
But before anything, Jana needed to figure out how she felt about him. She’d finally forgiven him—that much she knew.Releasinghim…moving on from her anger and resentment felt like removing a stone she’d worn on her shoulder for five years. She hadn’t even noticed the weight until it wasn’t there anymore. But under the anger was a boatload of heartache and lingering romantic feelings that really should have faded a long time ago.
Heartache and pain. At times when they were in Tanzania, it almost physically hurt her to see him. To wonder what could have been if she hadn’t run away that first time. But other times, she felt joy like she hadn’t known in a long time. When they played together in that beautiful infinity pool, when they watched the sunrise together, and when he tenderly washed every inch of Jana’s body. She’d felt wanted, valued, and a lot less lost when she was with him.
But they were so different. Were they even compatible?
She knew so many happy couples were made up of contrasting personalities. Rohan and Kamila, Mom and Dad, even Asha and Nicole. At the end of the day, social, or private, or whatever in between didn’t matter. That was just window dressing. There was so much more to who they were than what people saw on the surface.
And who Anil was under the surface was generous. As committed to bettering the world as Jana was. An excellent father. Better at braiding hair than her. Janadidknow who Anil was. She closed her eyes, remembering the torrent of emotions that made her ache when she was with him that night at Hatari. The way that every look, every touch made her feel things…everywhere. It hadneverfelt casual with Anil. Even way back. She had lied to herself for a while that it had just been a fling, but at the time, those two weeks had felt like the beginning of forever.
A relationship with Anil Malek would be complicated, difficult, and maybe even frustrating. But what would no relationship with him be like? Could Jana go back to how things were before Tanzania? The memories would fade eventually, and maybe she’d see something other than Anil braiding Imani’s hair when Jana brushed it, or she’d feel something other than his hands all over her when she took a shower.
Jana closed her eyes for a second, feeling a sharp prickle behind them.
Jana couldn’t go back. She was in love with him.
The realization hit her like a tsunami. She wasn’t ready for these feelings, but she couldn’t sweep them under the rug anymore, either. It was time for Jana to be the one to push. Tofightfor him. But fighting for a man was way out of her comfort zone. Jana chuckled to herself, wondering if she should add it to her “letting loose” list.
Jana decided to start by inching out of her comfort zone this time. She’d found some cute school clothes online for Imani, but they were from a store that didn’t have a Canadian shipping option, so she texted Anil to ask if she could have them sent to his parents’ house and he could bring them when he came home. It was late, so she didn’t expect a response.
In the morning, he texted that he’d bring the clothes but didn’t say anything else. She resisted the urge to write back. She wanted to go slow to gauge how he was feeling.
That night, Jana was doing some reading on Think projects around the world when she noticed she’d missed a text from Anil an hour earlier.
Jana:Sorry, I missed your message. I assume you wanted to FaceTime with Imani?
Anil:No worries.
Jana needed to keep the conversation going. They’d had hundreds of these little two-word conversations over the years. They never went further than that. But Jana needed to take it further.
Jana:I got the shipping notification for that clothing order. You should get it tomorrow.
Jana cringed. That had to be the most unromantic text in existence.
Anil:Okay. I’ll look out for it.
Jana put her phone down. She had no idea what she was doing.
The following evening, Anil FaceTimed Imani at bedtime. Jana didn’t interrupt but stayed close so she could hear his voice telling Imani about his day and reading her a story. He sounded so soft and gentle when he talked to their daughter. Loving. The voice gave Jana full-body shivers while also being the most comforting sound in the world. Jana had to figure out how to make this work with Anil or she’d never survive Imani’s calls with her father.
After their daughter had gone to bed, Jana texted him again.
Jana:I found my mom’s mandazi recipe. Do you want me to send it to you?
He responded right away.
Anil:No thank you. I have my own mother’s recipe.
Jana:I really loved your mom’s mandazi when I went there for brunch back then.
He didn’t respond.
The next evening, she tried again. She texted him the most adorable picture of that frolicking baby elephant they’d seen at the watering hole in Tarangire.
