Chapter 23
With the support of the rest of the brigade, Jana addedpretend I didn’t sleep with Anilto the list of things she was pretending in Tanzania. She’d meant it when she said she fully intended to talk to him about it—just not yet. After breakfast, Jana dressed and packed her things to leave Hatari. The drive to the luxury hotel in Arusha where the rest of the wedding guests were staying would be short, and when she climbed into the van, Anil was already sitting in a window seat with Jerome next to him. He didn’t look at her as she passed him. Which was fine. She’d asked for space, and he was apparently willing to give it.
Of course, during the drive, Jana’s mind wouldn’t stop replaying what had happened in his room. If she was honest, the fact that she’d let it happen wasn’t really that big of a surprise. She’d been fighting the return of her feelings for the man since they’d arrived in Africa. No, the surprise was thathelet it happen. Because honestly, she assumed that she’d angered him too much, been too bitter, been tooJanafor him to even think about getting back into bed with her.
He’d said he didn’t have expectations—but whatexpectationsdid he mean? A relationship? He’d wanted to marry her once, but that may have been out of obligation. This whole trip, he’d been talking aboutfriendship. He wanted them to cooperate better as parents. But friends didn’t normally do what they had been doing a few hours earlier in his hotel room.
Maybe sex didn’t have to mean a relationship, though. Last night, Jana had been emotional and lonely and needed an outlet for her pent-up energy and, yes, maybe a bit of sexual frustration. All the memories of the past were invading her brain in the worst way, and she was confusing her past feelings with the present. She’d needed to feel light, carefree, anddesiredthe way she had five years ago. Sleeping with him had been aboutletting loose—that was it.
This could be a turning point for them—maybe now they could actuallybe friends. Jana decided to be mature and explain that she was grateful he’d been there when she needed him, and that he was right—it was long past time for them to get over their history, but there didn’t need to be more than that. Sleeping with him seemed to have dissolved the last lingering traces of her resentment. She felt optimistic that a better, cooperative relationship could be possible now.
When they got to Arusha, they found most of the guests in the pool area. Imani rushed over to give Jana a hug when she saw her. “Mommy!”
Jana hugged her tight, then held her in front of her to watch her expression as Imani told Jana all the things she had done since they’d seen each other the day before.
“We watched three movies but I fell asleep before the second one, but then when I woke up there was chocolate in my hair because I was eating it before so Nanima had to give me a bath before sleep so my hair was all messy this morning but Nanima said we’d leave it and maybe you would fix it but I said I wanted Daddy to do it because he’s better at braids and…”She paused, “Is Daddy coming?”
“I’m right here, Mini,” Anil said behind Jana. Jana stepped aside so Imani could hug her daddy.
One more meal together had been arranged in Arusha before people started leaving in the evening. Everyone was at one long table, and big plates of scented rice, chicken curry, and vegetable bhajias were in the middle. Jana sat near the rest of the wedding party. She smiled and said hello to Anil when she sat, but he only briefly looked up at her, then went back to talking to the others. Kamila was showing everyone a picture she’d received of her dogs. Her friend Maricel was taking care of them at home since she was too pregnant to travel.
“Ugh,” Kamila said. “I miss my babies. Look at Potato’s new sweater. And Darcy had a haircut! Whoever is going to Toronto in the next few days, can you go hug my doggos for me? Oh, that reminds me! Jana, is it okay if Elsie sends the souvenirs to your place instead of mine? Our concierge gets annoyed when packages come when we’re on holiday.”
Kamila had arranged to have the wedding things plus the wedding party’s souvenirs shipped directly home so they wouldn’t have to worry about taking them on the plane. Jana nodded. “Sure, no problem. I’ll be home.”
“Don’t remind me we’re leaving,” Nicole said, spooning rice onto her plate. “The hospital is restructuring, which means I’m going to have to break in new staff.” She shuddered.
“You’re going back to Washington, right?” Marc asked Anil.
Anil nodded. “Yeah. I’m launching another Aim High in D.C. Getting it off the ground has been challenging since I’m not there often. But the region needs it—the services for newcomers aren’t anything like they are in Canada.” Jana wasn’t sure, but she thought she detected something in his voice. Almost…bitterness? Or maybe it was exhaustion. They hadn’t slept much the night before, and they were…energetic. She didn’t want to study his face to gauge his expression, though.
“Thinking of relocating for good?” Jerome asked.
Anil shook his head. “Nope. Until Imani is grown, I’m destined for a double life.” He glanced at Jana a second, then looked back at his plate. “But maybe I’ll go for longer stretches—there is nothing but Imani keeping me in Toronto at this point.”
Jana looked at him, her spine straightening. That was the first time she’d ever heard him express any displeasure about being tied to Toronto. She’d always assumed he’d been happy to stay for her and Imani.
Wait. ForImani. He wasn’t in Toronto for Jana. She looked away quickly. She wished she could see inside his brain. He hadn’t said a word to Jana all day. True, she’d asked for space, but he hadn’t even said hello when she sat down. Was he having regrets over last night? Or was this because Jana refused to talk to him when she left his room?
Jana could feel nausea building in her stomach and a prickle behind her eyes. Why was she reacting this way? She was getting what she wanted, right? She didn’t want a relationship. She said she wanted space, and that’s what she was getting. But being with him here, at this table where he seemed fine and unaffected by last night, was torture. It physically hurt her. He was talking to Jerome now about some hiking trails near his parents’ place. He was laughing. And Jana couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t take his carefree attitude, his ability to not be affected by last night and casually talk about the part of his life without Jana in it.
The moment her plate was empty, Jana rushed from the dining table before anyone could see her tears. She sat in a low wooden chair in the lobby of the hotel, willing her body to return to normal. This hotel, maybe because it was in a city instead of a national park, didn’t look like any of their safari hotels. It was clean and minimalist, with gleaming tile floors and white walls. If it weren’t for the few framed pictures of animals on the walls, no one would even know they were in East Africa.
It didn’t look like the rest of the trip, and it didn’t feel like it, either. Jana covered her eyes with her hand. All that letting loose had been a disaster. It hadn’t changed anything—she was still as awkward and as out of place as ever. Except now she had a boatload of problems she didn’t have before.
“You okay?” a voice behind her said. Jana looked up to see Yuriko, Shelina, and Nicole.
Jana sighed. She was starting to love this crew, but she was also looking forward to having her crises in private again.
She wiped her eyes. “I’m a wreck.”
Nicole nodded sympathetically and sat next to Jana. “You have a lot going on. There is nothing wrong with feeling it. You’re doing fine—a little breakdown is nothing to be ashamed of. Have you spoken to him yet?”
Jana knew Nicole meant Anil. She shook her head. “I asked for space…He’s giving me space.”
“But you maybe don’t want that anymore?” Yuriko asked gently.
Jana shrugged. She had no idea what she wanted anymore. Or what he wanted.
