Stepping out of her comfort zone was one thing, letting loose another…but what had compelled her tohave sexwith Anil Malek? It didn’t matter how good it felt to be close to someone again—not just anyone, but the one person she’d felt the most at home with ever—this could be ahugeproblem. For their future, and for their present. ForImani. Their daughter was thriving—why would Jana do anything that could jeopardize that?
Jana didn’t know what to do with herself, so she turned on the stand-up shower. There was a knock at the bathroom door seconds later. She quickly wiped her face with a towel and wrapped it around herself before opening the door.
“Can I join you?” Anil said, indicating the shower.
Part of her wanted to say no. She wanted to be alone to wash away the torrent of emotions so she could move on after what they’d done. But then she remembered a similar moment way back in London. She’d been feeling this same feeling…the simultaneous sensation of too many emotions mingled with emptiness. Along with a whole lot of fear that a connection that intense could only end in disaster. She’d let him into her shower then, and he’d washed her tenderly, filling in all the nooks and crannies that felt depleted after sex.
She ached for that sensation again—that feeling of belonging somewhere, even for only one night. So she nodded and quickly dropped the towel and stepped into the steaming shower before he could see her eyes. She let the hot water run over her face and hair.
Anil stepped into the large shower enclosure and immediately pulled Jana into his arms. He was the opposite after sex. Still hungry for contact. His impulse was to get closer while hers was to run away. She didn’t exactly relax into his embrace, but she stayed in his arms, his body engulfing hers in warmth while the water poured over her.
“You okay?” he asked, his voice barely audible over the sound of the water hitting the stone base of the shower. She nodded but stepped out of his hug and picked up one of the little bottles of soap from the ledge.
“Here, let me,” he said, putting his hand out for the soap.
She let him wash her, and she didn’t know why. She knew it was wrong—that sleeping with him hadn’t solved anything between them. But being taken care of like this was so…soothing. He poured the sweet tropical-scented soap onto a washcloth as Jana turned. He gently but firmly swiped it over her back. Closing her eyes, she let her senses fill with steam and the warm, coconut-and-papaya scent of the soap.
The scent prevented her from feeling like they were back in London. Back then, he’d always come looking for her when she ran away after sex. He got used to her quirks and never made her feel like less for having them. Jana wondered if he was thinking back to that now. He turned her and started soaping up her front, all the way from her feet and up her shins and thighs. She didn’t hide her body this time, trusting that he didn’t mind how it had changed. And his expression was readable now—a mixture of tenderness and awe.
“Thanks,” she said after he’d lathered every inch of her. She stepped under the stream of the oversized rain showerhead. “Want me to do you?” she said, hand out to take the washcloth from him.
“No,” he said. “I got it.” He started soaping himself up. “So…”he said after a few seconds. “I know I said we would hold off on major conversations until after this trip…”His voice trailed. Jana was not used to Anil not knowing what to say.
“But that was before we had sex,” she said. There was no point in speaking around the facts here.
“Yeah,” he said. She watched him as he lathered up his muscular calves. “I didn’t expect that to happen, by the way.”
Jana snorted. “No…can’t say I did, either. Look, Anil, maybe I shouldn’t have had those two…three drinks, and yeah, it’s been kind of weird to be traveling with you again and—”
“And that didn’t mean anything?” He wasn’t looking at her. He was washing his calves.
She put her hand on his arm. “No. That’s not what I was going to say. Itdidmean something. I was going to say thatthis, you and me, we’re complicated.”
He moved onto soaping his forearms. “That we are.”
“And I don’t know what you’re expecting. Or wanting—”
He stopped her by putting his arm around her waist. It occurred to Jana that maybe conversation would be easier if they weren’t naked right now. Or at least it might be more productive. She couldn’t help herself—her hand wandered to his backside. It wasn’t fair that he still had such a nice butt after all these years. She squeezed it.
He chuckled, then leaned his head down to kiss her neck. “We said one night, Jana.” He was still kissing her in between saying the words, and her knees were threatening to stop holding her up. “I’m just…I need you to understand thatone nightdoesn’t mean there are no…feelings here. I know I’ve challenged you a lot lately, but I willalwaysbe there for you. It’s our last night in Tanzania. Let’s make it memorable—I have no expectations. We can talk later.”
She would probably agree to just about anything if it meant he’d keep his lips there, but the part of her that was still thinking logically wondered if his insistence that he had no expectations was forherbenefit or forhis.
She pushed the thought aside because there was one thing she fully agreed with…might as well make this night as memorable as possible.
***
For the second time since they’d been in Tanzania, Jana woke up in bed with Anil Malek. This time, though, they were in a proper hotel room—not a tent. And their sick daughter wasn’t in a cot next to them.
But it still scared the crap out of Jana. When she opened her eyes, she saw Anil next to her reading something on his phone, as if being together like this were the most normal thing in the world. She wondered for a second if this is what her life would have been like if the last five years had happened differently. Just waking up next to her partner after a party celebrating their closest friends’ wedding.
But no. This was not her life. It could have been if Anil hadn’t been married when they met.
She shouldn’t be here. She sat up.
“Oh, good—you’re up.” His grin told her that he was hoping for one more roll in the hay before they went their separate ways this morning. But they’d agreed on onenight. It was no longer night.
“Morning,” Jana said. She swung her legs out of bed, taking the bedsheet to wrap around her body and started looking for her clothing.
