“Wereclose. Past tense. Now is a different story,” I blurted out, surprising myself. Wow, I really wasn’t at all like the girl in my first fantasy. I was becoming a bit of a badass. I mentally high-fived myself.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said. “I’d heard you weren’t happy over the summer.”
I snorted. How exactly did he expect me to be? “I had awonderfulsummer. I discovered dulce de leche ice cream and it changed my life. Why do you care?”
Devin ran his hand through his hair again. “Of course I care. C’mon, Samaya ...”
I turned away from the beautiful view and faced him. “Devin Kapadia, you completelyblindsidedme when you broke up with me without warning. Then you pulled that crap getting me transferred at camp, which ruined my entire summer, all so you could ‘see who you were without me in your life.’ Like I was suffocating you or something. Like I was some sort of vampire stealing your essence. Youhurtme.” I paused. “And now you’re back and you wonder if I had a good summer? And you want to, I don’t know, pick up where we left off?”
Devin frowned, a deep furrow appearing between his brows. “I didn’t mean to ruin your summer.”
I glared at him.
“And I’m not expecting to go back to where we left off,” he added.
There it was. He didn’t want to get back together anyway. All he wanted was relief from the guilt after what he’d done. I knew Devin—he never wanted to be seen as a bad guy. He played a Paladin inDragon Arena—the goodest good-guy class in the game. Now he wanted to continue to be the golden boy without worrying that he’d broken me along the way.
“So what is it you actually want from me, Devin? You hoping I’ll be all fine and happy so you don’t have to feel guilty for what you did?”
“Why can’t we be friends? If we’re not a couple, we have to be nothing?” He was looking at me with what looked like genuine sad eyes.
“How is that even possible after what you did?” I said. The fact of it was, Devin hadn’t been just my boyfriend—he had been my friend, too. One of my best friends. He had to know that what he’d said and done last spring would hurt any chance of a friendship as much as it would hurt our relationship.
“I didn’t even know you were having doubts.” My voice cracked. I took a deep breath. “Maybe this”—I gestured between him and me—“was never going to be a forever thing, but friends would have had a discussion ... instead of you justtellingme we were done with no explanation. And friends wouldn’t sabotage a friend’s summer job because of their own ... midteen crisis, or whatever happened to you.”
“I didn’t sabotage your job!”
“You told the camp you wouldn’t come if we were working in the same team! They moved me to elementary grade, which you knew would be less valuable as experience on my university applications! And then you didn’t even stick around and work at camp, so it was all for nothing!”
There was a time, early in the summer, when all I wanted was a rational explanation from him. All I wanted to know was why he did that to me.
Now I realized I’d wanted the rational explanation, and wanted him togrovel, so I could forgive him. But there was no point—I wasn’t going to be friends, or anything else, with him again.
I gritted my teeth. “You were an asshole. And I am not in the market for assholes as friends.”
Devin looked at me a few seconds. His eyes were still kind of sad, actually. “You’ve changed, Samaya,” he said softly.
“Yeah, I have. I once thought I was so lucky to get to be in your orbit. But ...” I shrugged. “But I just don’t care anymore.”
He didn’t respond right away. Finally, he sighed. “I’m sorry.”
Hallelujah. His first apology. But it was too little, too late.
He was looking at me with a familiar look. The one he used to give me right before kissing me. Or right before the first time he told me he loved me. I loved that look. Or I should say, I used to love it.
I turned and walked back toward the school. “Goodbye, Devin.”
It was over. I couldn’t believe it. No more fantasizing about him begging me to take him back. No more wishing I knew what was going through his head. No more Devin.
I didn’t want him anymore. And I actually felt okay about it. Lighter.
I could start the school year without Devin Kapadia taking up any physical or mental space in my world. Which was great, because this year was way, way too important for me to have any distractions. My university acceptances, scholarships, and awards were all riding on this year—my final year of high school. It had to be perfect.
4
Sad Clown Is Not Cute
Officially getting over Devin on the first day of our last year of school was honestly the best thing that could have happened to me. I went to the quad for the rest of the lunch hour, not even caring a little bit about who would see me, or what they would say. I caught up with some friends, and even met a new transfer student. After data management last period, my teacher approached me as I was packing my bag. This was Mr.Persaud’s second year at Earl’s, and I hadn’t had a class with him before. He was an older man with brown skin and a thick black beard.
