What if LostAxis hadn’t existed? What if Daniel was just a cute boy I’d met at the shelter, instead of the person my online friend was pretending to be? We would have probably still become friends. I would have still helped him with calculus after we baked each week. Of course I would have thought he was hot. But I probably wouldn’t have usedDaniel to get back at Devin. The point was to look like I was winning against Devin. And no matter how gorgeous Daniel was, to my friends or to the gossips at school, a pie-obsessed hockey player wouldn’t have been an upgrade from Devin.
I put my hand on his knee. “I’m sorry,” I said. I knew it wasn’t enough. “You probably thought I was a horrendous snob. I ... I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel comfortable enough to tell me about your life. And I’m sorry if I made you think I had any problem at all with the real person you are. Because I happen to like the person you are. A lot.”
His eyes were locked on my hand on his knee. He was mesmerized by it. So was I. I tried to tamp down the warmth I felt radiating from where we were connected.
“I didn’t think you were a snob,” he said. “I thought you were brilliant. And funny. And kind—the way you talked to Yasmin, and to the other residents. You were patient with me even though I suck at calculus. You didn’t make me feel like an idiot, and it didn’t feel like you were pretending.” His eyes were still on my hand on his knee.
I thought about hownot pretendthis had been for me for a while now. Sitting in each other’s arms at Hana’s party. The way I felt watching him play hockey. The almost-kiss at Jayden’s. Holding hands in the car on the way to the shelter tonight. Him crying into my neck after he brought Yasmin back. For the last few weeks, my feelings for Daniel felt as real as if we’d been in a real relationship. Did they feel as real as the feelings I’d had for Devin?
I was fifteen when Devin first asked me out. At first, I was ... starstruck. I couldn’t believe that Devin, the smartest kid in the school, who somehow was also super popular, would want to be withme. And then we dated for so long, I kind of got used to him. And used to being Devin Kapadia’s girlfriend.
But did I ever ache inside simply because I liked him so much? Did I see something in a window and feel overcome with an urge to showit to him, the way I did with Daniel when I saw a pie? Did Devin ever open my eyes to something new, something I would never have thought I could enjoy? Like baking lemon squares named after a random lady named Rose. Or watching a skilled hockey player taking practice shots at a goal.
Time slowed down when I was with Daniel, but I also felt like I never had enough time with him. And he was so generous—I couldn’t imagine anyone else staying up late power-leveling inDragon Arenaso he could come with me to a party because I’d been dreading going alone.
I may have ignored almost all our parameters lately, but I couldn’t ignore the most important one: that, although we didn’t always need to be completely open with each other, when we did speak, we would only ever speak the truth.
I exhaled. “The truth is,” I said softly, “this, you and me ... it hasn’t felt fake for me for a long time.”
His eyes lifted to look at my face. There was a tiny smile on one side of his mouth. “I thought I was imagining that.”
I shook my head. We looked at each other for several long seconds.
The fingers on his good hand wrapped around mine. “I think we’re failing at the fake part of this arrangement,” he said. “But ... this is complicated.”
“That’s okay. I like complicated stuff, remember? Complex equations are my jam.”
He chuckled. “That day I met you—”
“I made a fool of myself and powdered myself like a jelly doughnut.”
He shook his head. “You wereadorable. Honestly, I’ve always had a thing for very smart vampires covered with sugar.”
I laughed.
He kept talking. “But then I got to know you and realized you weren’t really my type. Because my type couldn’t be someone sobrilliant. So together. Someone with so many friends, and a stable family. Someone cool enough that gossip columns actually talk about her.”
I leaned in closer, because how could I not? His smile widened. After a few more seconds of grinning at each other like fools, he raised his hand and slipped it behind my neck. “Permission for physical contact. I’m thinking about kissing you.”
I grinned. “Permission granted.”
And it was perfect. Not fireworks, or goose bumps, just absolute perfection. His lips were warm, and soft, and he smelled like the sugar cookies we’d been eating.
He pulled back and looked at me.
“That was okay?” he asked.
I nodded, smiling. “More than okay. In fact, any chance you want to kiss more?”
He grinned widely and uncrossed his legs so he could pull me closer. I came willingly and put my arms around his shoulders. Then Daniel and I were kissing again. Really kissing this time. And this time therewerefireworks. I had no idea it was possible to feel so comfortable and so excited at the same time. This felt so right.
All the differences between us didn’t matter, because wefittogether. Right now, Daniel and I fit better than I had ever fit with anyone ... ever.
I knew then that I loved Daniel Ramos. I wasn’t going to say anything yet, but the feelings were there. And they didn’t scare me at all. I was all in.
25
A Shift in the Parameters
