He shook his head. “Nah. I’m only a great guy when I’m with you.”
I tilted my head, still looking at him. Was he really that self-conscious? It didn’t make sense. Daniel was good-looking (like, OMG, there should be marble busts carved of that face), but more than that he was fun, really kind (which was super rare), and so optimistic he could put anyone in a good mood. And he was supportive. He had none of that toxic masculinity I’d assumed he’d have when I heard he was a hockey player.
“And there’s no way anyone at this party would give me half the time of day if you weren’t with me,” he added.
“That’s not true,” I said. I meant it sincerely.
He shook his head. We were quite close together—we had to be so we could hear each other over the horrible orc screech-singing in the movie.
“But it is,” he asked. “I’m only here because of you. I guarantee none of these people wouldchooseto hang out with a baker who spends his free time in a family shelter, and who doesn’t have ...”
His voice trailed off. He didn’t finish his sentence.
The tough thing was, what he was saying was technically true. He was here because of me, and I’d probably never have become friends with him unless he happened to own the face that LostAxis told me was his. Yes, I’d have met Daniel volunteering at the shelter. But withoutthat LostAxis connection, I wouldn’t have gotten to know Daniel in the same way. I wouldn’t have developed this little crush.
To Daniel, I wasn’t only the smart kid, or Devin’s girlfriend. It didn’t matter to him if I was winning the breakup, or what Earl’s Whispers was saying about me. I felt safe being me. Maybe even a little bit more me than I could be with my friends.
I knew he liked me forme, and I liked him for him, too.
But I needed to keep reminding myself that Daniel wasn’t doing all this out of the goodness of his heart, or because he was interested in me as more than a friend. He was doing it because he needed me as much as I needed him. And he didn’t want to get too close—that’s why he had that parameter.
I looked down, all of a sudden monumentally sad. I played with the tassels on the blanket, letting the twisted strands run between my fingers. Devin said he broke up with me because he wanted time to figure out who he was without me. But maybe he wasn’t the only one who had lost themselves when we were together. Because I was so wrapped up in what people thought about me that I was pretending to be someone I wasn’tandI was taking advantage of one of the best people I’d ever met, asking him to be someone he wasn’t, too.
“You okay?” Daniel said. He’d leaned in close.
I nodded. “Fine.”
“You had a look on your face. Sad.”
I tried to smile. “Don’t worry about it. Just an existential crisis.”
“Ah. I hate those. In case it helps with your crisis, I should tell you that I’m having a great time tonight. I’m even enjoying this movie. Y’all are being too hard on it. Maybe they should have used some CGI to erase the wires the flying dragons are hanging from, but the story is kind of fun.”
I blinked. “The dragonsareCGI.”
He laughed. “Really? The wires are to add to the camp! I love it!”
I smiled. “You’re serious? I mean, you’re actually enjoying yourself?”
“Absolutely. This is the most fun assignment I’ve ever had.”
I exhaled. An assignment. That was all this was to him. Just the deal we’d made.
“That reminds me,” he said. “You have five selfies left. Want a movie-watching shot?”
That was why we were here. I held my phone out in front of us.
He leaned close. “People are watching us,” he whispered. “Should I put my arm around you?”
I looked around. People could see us. Hana, Devin, and some of the others. I nodded and Daniel scooted even closer and put his arm around my waist. It had been so long since I was this close to someone. I rested my head on Daniel’s chest, the sweet smell of laundry detergent from the T-shirt I’d designed filling my senses, and I took the picture. But we stayed like that even after, since everyone was looking.
But also, because it felt so good. He was warm and he was solid, and even if it was fake, I could just be me. I turned off all the stuff that was always swirling around in my mind and let Daniel hold me up for a while.
Even if none of this was real, and even if there was an end date on this support, I needed it right now.
19
Real Talk in the Library
