“Is there something specific you’re trying to tell me?” I asked.
“Just... be careful, okay? I love Declan like a brother, but he’s going through his own stuff right now. Career crisis, questioning everything about his life direction. That’s not necessarily the best foundation for someone to build a relationship on.”
Career crisis. Questioning his life direction. All things I already knew, but hearing Matt spell them out made me realize how little I actually knew about Declan’s current situation. He was on sabbatical, but I didn’t know why. He was questioning his career, but I didn’t know what he wanted instead. He’d said this was getting complicated, but I didn’t know if that meant complicated in a good way or complicated in a way that made me a temporary distraction from his real life.
“I’m not building a relationship,” I said, which was true in the sense that I was specifically trying not to build a relationship. “We’re planning a festival.”
“Right,” Matt said with the kind of skepticism that suggested he wasn’t buying my casual tone. “Festival planning. With the guy who used to have a massive crush on you when we were teenagers.”
“What?” The word came out as a squeak. “Matt, what are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on, Holly. You had to have noticed. Declan could barely form complete sentences around you when you were fifteen. He used to volunteer to help me with your homework just so he’d have an excuse to sit next to you at the kitchen table.”
I sat in stunned silence, processing this information. Declan had had a crush on me? Teenage Declan, who I’d thought was completely out of my league and barely tolerating my presence, had actually been interested? At the same time that I’d been mooning over him and doodling our names in my notepad. What are the fucking odds?
“I had no idea,” I said finally.
“Really? Because you used to get dressed up whenever you knew he was coming over. Mom used to tease you about it.”
“I did not get dressed up,” I protested, though even as I said it, I remembered the careful attention I’d paid to my appearance whenever Matt brought friends home. “I just wanted to look nice.”
“Holly, you once changed outfits three times because Declan was staying for dinner.”
“That’s not... that doesn’t mean anything,” I said weakly.
“It means you had a crush on him, too,” Matt said. “Which is fine, by the way. Ancient history. I’m just saying, maybe be aware that there might be some... unresolved chemistry there.”
Unresolved chemistry. As if the way my pulse spiked every time Declan looked at me was some kind of teenage hangover rather than a completely new and adult attraction to the man he’d become.
“Matt,” I said carefully, “are you telling me this because you want me to be careful around Declan, or because you want me to know he might be interested?”
“I’m telling you this because I want you to be happy,” Matt said simply. “And because I want you to make decisions based on complete information rather than whatever insecurities Derek left you with.”
The mention of Derek made something cold settle in my stomach. Because Matt was right—I was making decisions based on Derek’s betrayal. Every time I caught myself being attracted to Declan, I immediately started questioning whether it was real, whether I could trust my own judgment, and whether I was just being naïve again.
“Derek really did a number on you, didn’t he?” Matt said gently, apparently reading the silence.
“He made me doubt myself,” I admitted. “About everything. My looks, my career choices, my friends, what I ate, about whether someone could actually want me for the right reasons, or if I’m just... convenient, or desperate because I’m fat and no guy will ever want me.” Tears pricked my eyes, and I gulped. I was not going to cry in front of my big brother.
“Holly, please don’t think any of those things. You’re amazing. Smart, funny, beautiful, capable of organizing an entire festival despite having your life imploded a month ago. Any guy would be lucky to be with you.”
“Any guy except the one who cleaned out my bank accounts and disappeared with his side piece,” I said dryly.
“Derek was an asshole who took advantage of your trust,” Matt said firmly. “That’s a reflection of his character, not yours. Don’t let one lying piece of shit make you doubt your worth.”
I sat quietly for a moment, processing Matt’s words and trying to sort through the tangle of emotions they’d stirred up. Attraction to Declan, uncertainty about his intentions, fear of making another mistake, and underneath it all, the bone-deep insecurity that Derek had left me with.
“So,” Matt said, breaking the silence, “what’syourtake on the Declan situation? Professional collaboration only, or something more interesting?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “He’s... complicated, and what does it even matter? If you’re trying to push us together, you and Mom, don’t. Okay?”
“Complicated how?”
He ignored my plea like a champ.
“Complicated because he’s gorgeous and smart and funny, and when he looks at me, I forget about boundaries,” I said, the words tumbling out before I could stop them. “Complicated because I don’t know if what I’m feeling is real attraction or just gratitude that someone is treating me like I’m worth paying attention to. Complicated because he’s your best friend and he’s going through his own crisis, and I have no idea what he actually wants.”
“Have you considered asking him what he wants?”
