The realization that the colloidal silver hadn't worked after all, that her grandfather had used a spell on her to keep her from shifting, and Josiah experimented on her while she was unconscious...it was all too much.
Her will to fight for anything was diminished. What was there live for if she was nothing but this used up thing?
The knife bounced under her shirt as she straightened to look at herself in the mirror. Josiah had found a way to break that spell, but she had managed to send her wolf shadow into a coma or hibernation or whatever. It didn't matter. Drinking the poison had only delayed the inevitable. Her wolf shadow would more than likely reappear when she least expected it, just as Kellen had told her and that made her dangerous.
Aim for the best, but prepare for the worst, her grandfather had told her every time she failed to foresee a problem. He was preparing her in case something like this happened. All the times they went hunting together, all of the martial arts classes, teaching her how to use a combat knife. He had to have known that no matter how well he hid himself someone would find him. What would he think of her now? She was still failing him.
When she came out, Kellen sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her. He hurt for her. She could see it in his mournful expression. His whole body slumped. But he didn't reach for her. Clearly he was waiting to see what her next move would be, but she couldn't deal with his emotions right now. His sympathy was nothing more than a jab, reminding her that he'd been right all along.
She hadn't killed her wolf shadow.
A brief shiver up her spine let loose a cascade of dizziness. Before she could fall, she walked around Kellen and lay down on the opposite side of the bed facing away from him. The sun's rays warmed her, and drowsiness replaced the dizziness, but she couldn't close her eyes. In the dark, would she sense her wolf shadow even if it was dormant now that she knew?
The bed dipped as Kellen stretched out next to her. He spooned himself behind her, pulling her close so his body joined the sun's rays. She was too tired to pull away, even if she wanted. Right at that moment she didn't know what she wanted.
"What do I do?" she whispered. "I tried to kill a part of myself. If my wolf shadow reawakens, it's going to be so pissed at me."
"When your wolf shadow returns, all you have to do is live. Nothing more." He stroked her arm, his fingers barely touching her skin. "Just live and the wolf inside of you will learn to understand you, just as you'll learn to understand your wolf."
"It can't be that easy."
"I can only assume it's not. It'll be a long learning process."
She bit back the temptation to demand how long because it would only come out as petulance. It wasn't a question Kellen or anyone else could answer. It would take as long as it would take and that could be a very long time.
"I'm not sure I can do this."
Kellen continued to run his hand up and down her arm, giving her strength through his ability to remain calm through everything life tossed at him. Well, almost anything.
"Will you help?" She shouldn't have asked, because he paused his attention just long enough to reveal he had doubts.
He answered with an "Of course," but she knew it was, if not a lie, a stretch of the truth.
Sure, he'd help her because he was intrinsically kind, but he wouldn't love her if her wolf rejected his. The whole hierarchical structure of wolf shifters and Kellen's slavish devotion to it set off her anger again. She pushed his hand off her shoulder. "Let's get back out there. Lying here feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help us."
"Samara..." He reached for her again, but again she evaded his touch. She had to or she might start crying.
"I told you. I'll fight for you, but only if you'll fight for me. Your words, your voice tell me you're not sure you will, so you'll just have to wait until I make the decision to stay or leave. If I choose to stay, only then do we have a chance in hell of having any kind of relationship."
She launched herself off the bed and walked back into the living room before he could say anything further. The others had continued to work while she had her little breakdown. The coffee table had been moved away from the sleeper sofa. On the floor a three-by-three square of spells covered the loop pile carpet. On each spell sat a pile of receipts. Stephen was still writing down clues, while he and Leo discussed something about how to split up the receipts with materials that multiple spells required. Par for the course, they continued to complete each other's sentences, responding to questions before they were asked.
Grace sat with her legs crossed, leaning back on her hands, watching them talk. She had the most bemused look on her face but said nothing as Samara resumed her place on the corner of the sleeper sofa. A minute later Kellen joined them.
"Are they always like this?" Grace jutted her chin at Stephen and Leo.
Kellen looked confused because of course he'd done the same when in conversation with his brothers. Perhaps he’d never realized just how odd their habit was.
"Yes," Samara said, because Kellen wouldn't. "All the time. It takes some getting used to."
"What?" Kellen asked with that oh-too-familiar head tilt. "I don't understand."
Samara found herself exchanging a side-eye with Grace. "We'll explain later."
The three brothers looked at each other, then shrugged, letting Samara and Grace keep their secret.
Her quiet amusement was cut short by a growl from her stomach. It was loud enough to bring attention back from the spells to her.
"I'm just going to get another bagel and coffee."
