"Is that what happened to you?"
Now who was stalling? But Samara decided not to comment on it. "Yes. At first I thought I was going crazy. All I wanted to do was get out of the cage. I kept slamming my wolf's body against the bars. It hurt, but I couldn't stop myself. When I think back to those first few days, I wasn't the one in control. It was my wolf shadow, and it was the wolf who kept hurting me.”
She hated the fear in her voice when she talked about her wolf shadow, but she couldn’t help it. The thing had freaked her out.
But there was something that scared her more. "Then Josiah let me out of the cage and put the female housekeeper in charge of me. She said that everything I felt was perfectly normal and that I would get used to it. I just needed to learn to listen to my wolf. Except, I didn't want to get used to it. My wolf shadow kept forcing me closer to the pack instead of away from it, which was what I wanted. It fought and fought, but I could feel it hindering me every step of the way. It was like I had my hands tied behind my back. I resented the lack of control, so I stole some cash from the omega I killed and headed to the nearest drug store. That's where I bought the silver."
Kellen swallowed hard, that haunted look returning for just a moment before his face softened again. "I've never fought my wolf shadow. We work together as a team with a mutual appreciation for what each of us has to bring to the relationship. There's nothing for us to disagree about. Right now my wolf shadow is guiding me to help you, but how I go about it is up to me." He hesitated. "Unless I'm doing something completely boneheaded, which I don't do often. During those moments, my wolf tends to...I'm not sure how to describe it, but it feels like the shadow is bouncing around my skull while growling in displeasure."
"I wish my wolf shadow was that agreeable." What made her shadow different from Kellen's? "I was only in the cage for a couple of weeks. Once I shifted that first time, Josiah was forced to let me out so I would stop hurting myself. I was still a prisoner, but I was allowed to work in the mansion, cleaning the rooms, making food, that sort of thing. One of the omegas was always there watching me, but also the female housekeeper, who instructed me. I hated her because she made life under Josiah sound normal and it wasn't. If my wolf shadow had worked with me instead of against me, escaping might have been easier. I might not have wanted it dead so badly."
Kellen pushed himself off the stool. "Why do you think your wolf shadow was working against you?"
"I don't know. It wouldn't leave me alone. My emotions kept getting in the way of my thoughts. While I was still in the cage, it had me slamming my head against the iron bars of my cage. It wouldn't leave me alone until after I was so exhausted, I couldn't ram my body anymore. Only then would it shut it up long enough for me to plan my escape. I think Josiah let me out because for whatever reason he couldn't keep me sedated, but also didn't want me to get a concussion.
"Sedation doesn't work on us." Kellen tilted his head to the side while thinking. "Any medication we ingest is metabolized so fast it has almost no effect. If he was using sedation it would have to be something much more powerful than what would be used for a regular human and in an insane amount, just like the silver you drank."
Samara pushed back against her fear and rage to quickly analyze what happened to her when she was in the cage. "As far as I could tell I was only out for a couple of hours at a time. Whatever Josiah was doing, it had to be quick."
"I'm so sorry." Kellen reached out and ran the back of his hand down the left side of her face. Any other person, any other time she would have flinched. This time...she could feel the comfort flowing off him soothing her raw nerves. "You shouldn't have had to go through that. A turned wolf needs to be watched, trained, right from the beginning until they get used to having a wolf shadow inside them, but not like that."
"Is that what happened to you? When you were turned?"
"No, I was born a wolf shifter. Not living with him is unimaginable to me."
"You might want to try it sometime." The words popped out before she could stop them. No wonder she couldn't control her wolf. She could barely control her own mouth.
"I'll take it under advisement." Kellen pulled his hand away from her face, stealing away his warmth and once again, not reacting to her rudeness.
"Maybe...maybe my wolf was crazy." Wouldn't that be just her luck? "Like Josiah. If wolf shifters are supposed to guide newly turned pack members, then that means his wolf is as crazy as he is."
"More than likely Josiah developed a way of ignoring his wolf so it's no longer part of his life. All he has is the physical elements of a wolf shifter, but not the mental or emotional side of one.
"What if we tried to expel a wolf shadow instead of killing it. Would that be easier?"
Kellen shook his head. “A wolf shadow is not a spirit. It’s not a separate being with a mind of its own. It's a part of us, like DNA. We call them shadows because, like shadows, they're attached to us, a part of us. It's not like Peter Pan where you can detach a shadow and sew it back on again. I can't imagine a way of removing a wolf shadow without killing the person."
"Well, it certainly explains a few things." Like wolf shifters weren't inherently evil, possessive, or just plain horrible creatures. Until she met Kellen, she would have sworn all wolf shifters were like Josiah. The Riverstone Pack certainly acted like it. As far as the betas and omegas were concerned, Josiah wasn't just an alpha. He was their king, their god, their ruler all wrapped up in one nasty package that they obeyed without question. Even the housekeeper, who didn’t really fear Josiah, knew better than to challenge his rule. Her refusal to help Samara escape baffled her. Samara would have helped her escape as well if she were willing.
Kellen held out his hand to pull her off the bed. "What I think we should do first is find out if your wolf shadow is dead."
"I haven't felt it in my head since I drank the silver. I also haven't randomly shifted, and the full moon was last week, I think." She accepted his hand as she stood. "I lost track of the moon phases while I freight hopped."
Kellen laughed a little as he led her out the back door again. "The whole mandatory shift during the moon phase is just a myth that grew out of a tradition. It's easier to see your surroundings during a full moon, which makes hunting easier and therefore more successful. I grew up without electricity or plumbing or supermarkets, so the pack survived on what we hunted."
That confirmed Kellen was over a century old. Which meant Leo and Stephen were around the same age. "There's so much I don't know but even if my wolf shadow isn't dead that doesn't mean I'm going to change my mind about having it inside of me."
"Samara..."
"No." She turned on him, her heels grinding into the dirt now that they were outside. "Dead or not, I will not live with another creature inside me. I didn't ask for this, and I don't want it. If drinking silver didn't do the job, then I'll find another way. There has to be another way."
Kellen opened his mouth to argue.
"This isn't open for debate." She swallowed back all the other things she wanted to say about wolf shifters. "I'm tired and in pain and I just want this day to end. So, if you don't mind, I'm going back to my room and I'm going to go to sleep."
That was one choice she would not allow him to take from her. Not caring about a response, she turned on heel and left.
Chapter
