“You going to read Dr. Seuss with me or what, mister?”
“Uh...” I glanced back at Paige. She lifted her eyebrows expectantly, an amused smile on her lips. She didn’t seem to suspect anything was wrong, though why would she? Keisha didn’t recognize me, thank fucking Jesus. “Yeah, let’s go read some books.”
Keisha grabbed my hand with the strength of a pro-wrestler and dragged me deeper into the building. No joke. I had to jog to keep up with her while the beads in her hair clicked together in her excitement and she jabbered on about I didn’t even know what.
We sped past offices toward a large, brightly lit room at the end of a hallway. Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves lined the walls, each of them overflowing with books of all shapes and sizes. Tables and chairs sat in the center of a large worn rug with the letters of the alphabet repeating around the four sides. A bowl of punch and a large cake with blue icing that spelled Harcane Literacy Center sat on one of the center tables.
As soon as Paige and Belle walked in behind us, I turned just to see Paige’s expression. Her eyes closed, her body relaxed, and she inhaled the smell of books as ravenously as if she was reading them. She looked at peace. Like she’d just come home. Not like she sometimes acted around me, all tense and full of doubt. And almost at once, I became jealous of a place, a fuckingroom, becauseIwanted to be her home.
When she opened her eyes, her blissed-out smile sparkling inside them, she looked at me like I was part of the room. For a split second, I was part of this thing that made her happy. And it didn’t fade, either, the longer she gazed at me. Even though I was a college dropout and a goddamn drug dealer. She didn’t know all of that, but maybe she sensed me, the real me, the kind of man I wanted to be. The kind of man who deserved that smile.
“Hey, dude, what’s your favorite Dr. Seuss book?” Keisha called.
I winked at Paige then turned toward Keisha. Of all the things I thought I would be asked today, that question somehow didn’t make the list.
“What’syourfavorite Dr. Seuss book?” I countered because I had no idea. Too many years had gone by, or at least it seemed like it, to remember the parts of childhood I didn’t care for.
She rattled off something about colored fish and cats while making a beeline to one of the bookshelves. I followed, slowly since I would never be able to match the speed of a six-year-old hyped up on books.
“Not much has changed on the inside since you last visited us,” Belle told Paige. “But outside, the old neighborhood has crumbled. People moved away, new folks moved in, and not the good kind, either. I wish I had the money to pack up everything and move somewhere safer, but at the same time, I don’t want to let the scum of the earth defeat this place.”
My ears burned at the conversation behind me. I tuned Keisha’s rambling out to listen.
“But it does so much good,” Paige said.
“Does it, though?” Belle asked. “I’ve noticed a definite decline in the number of kids who come to read and more scum wandering around outside.”
Keisha erupted into a bounce next to me with a, “Snap! Snap! Snap! I saw a drug deal with some guy who kept snapping the buttons on his jacket.”
I froze. My fingers, already wrapped around the dangling snaps from my jacket sleeves, gave a nervous twitch. They clicked together until I silenced them in tight fists. Sweat tracked down my sides when I glanced at Paige and Belle to see if they’d heard.
Paige looked at me with sharp eyes. Had she heard? Or had I made the sound before? I turned away in case she realized who I really was—the scum of the earth, just like Belle had said.
Belle swooped down to pick up something unseen from the alphabet rug. “You don’t know it was a drug deal, child.”
“I snuck out with my trike at night, and Momma grounded me for a week after that.” Keisha threw her arms in the air, still facing the bookshelf, a stack of books on the floor beside her. “Snap! Snap! Snap! Onomatopoeia!”
My gut churned. What would Paige do if she knew? Would she hear me out so I could explain? Or would she call the police? If she went with option two, the one thing I didn’t think I could stand would be the way she would probably look at me. Disgust. Hatred. Disappointment. All the things I felt about myself unless I was near her. But to have them mirrored back at me in her big, brown eyes... I wouldn’t be able to deal.
So, time for a new jacket. Or a dose of Hill’s finger-slicing to keep me from clicking my jacket’s buttons, because I didn’t want her to know.
“Sam! I found the one true Dr. Seuss book for you and me!” Keisha said, her voice pitching into a squeal.
“No way,” I said, a little surprised at my level tone. “Well, bring it here, then.”
Belle chuckled. “Sounds like Leroy has been reading her a little too much Tolkien. I’ll leave you three to it while I do some last minute preparations. Holler if she wants to dangle you from the ceiling while reading.”
“Wait.” Keisha kneeled and bowed her head at the book.
Paige laughed behind me, a sure sign she didn’t suspect me of anything. Yet. While the six-year-old who prayed to the book gods for affirmation and a hot, intelligent woman paced the room behind me, I took a readying breath.
Slowly, carefully, I slid my jacket from my shoulders with slick hands, hoping and praying to any god who would listen to help me remove it silently. To anyone who might be paying attention, it probably looked like I was moving in extra slow motion. But I didn’t trust my nervous fingers. Heart racing, I finally removed it completely, balled it into a wad, and lay it on one of the tables.
At the same time I sighed my relief, Keisha gave me a brilliant grin over the book she’d chosen.
“We ready?” I asked.
“Uh-huh.” She skipped across the room and sat in a plastic chair that was five sizes too big.
