City lights reflected inside the puddles on the streets and sidewalks. Every time cars drove through them, the rippling effect hypnotized me into thinking about Paige. The way her stomach shuddered when I kissed my way down south, her sighs, her moans, the need in her eyes while I fucked her with my tongue. Just thinking about it made me hard. But she’d pulled away that morning and kept her distance the rest of the week as if she felt guilty about it. What could she possibly feel guilty about, though? We were just two people who wanted to bang each other under the same roof as my dick-knuckle brother. Where was the harm in that?
Okay, maybe it was more than just two people wanting to bang. Paige wasn’t just a person; she was Paige fucking Sullivan.
But I needed to focus on why I was here. If it wasn’t for Hill, I could be home with her now, up against a wall while I made her come over and over again.
Jesus H.,focus.
A thick, heavy brown paper bag was tucked to my side under my hooded sweatshirt and leather jacket. The money had been delivered maybe fifteen minutes ago, not by a rich-looking woman, but by a gap-toothed, silver-haired man driving a Chevy pickup. Hill was never specific about who I was supposed to meet, but the people who showed up seemed to know who I was. OrwhatI was—Hill’s peon drug money whore.
My cell vibrated inside my pocket. I fished it out to see a text from Rose.
SamRam?
I closed my eyes for a second, not quite sure I was ready to have this conversation, oranyconversation with her, especially right then when I was in the middle of paying off her debt. But she was my sister, my little sister whose picture at the top of the screen was her with duck lips and her forehead bunched up in a series of old lady lines for the camera. Seriously, what made girls think that stupid-ass pose would make a good picture? I smacked the end of the phone against the top of my head, then texted her back.
Rose?
Are you dead?she asked.
A couple of cars drove past the guy shouting for Reggie toward my corner, but none of them slowed. The house where those two kids had escaped last time I was here was dark, so killer tricycles hopefully wouldn’t be on the agenda tonight. For now, I was alive.
Are you?I pressed send and instantly regretted it.
One of the last times I’d seen her was when we’d delivered her to the drug rehab center. She’d been a hollowed out copy of my baby sister with empty eyes and an even emptier soul. She just sat in the backseat of Dad’s car, not humming a tuneless song like she always did, not smiling out the window and waving at strangers. Just staring straight ahead. Gone. It was like an old science fiction movie where aliens invaded humans’ bodies and walked around in what might as well be corpses. That person I’d seen hadn’t been my sister. I never wanted to see that version again.
It took a long time for her to reply back. I almost thought she’d run out of her five minutes a week rehab restricted cell use. I’d probably pissed her off by just existing, which was something she often reminded me through silence. She would usually crack, though, because she wouldn’t stay mad at me for long. Never could.
I just wondered why you haven’t come to visit me.
No no no no no. I so wanted to rage call her and scream all the reasons into her fucking ear.Because I don’t know who you are. Because you snorted so much heroin, you flat-lined. Because I’m paying off your debt to Hill without you even knowing what’s happening.I smashed the phone to my forehead and sawed my teeth together so I wouldn’t toss the phone into traffic and shout my lungs out.
Obviously, I couldn’t tell her any of that because our family was built on an unstable foundation of lies. I didn’t text her back, but she sent me one more:
Come soon, ok? Love you.
Love you. She had a funny way of showing it, but out of everything she’d ever said in all of her seventeen years, I knew that was true. Just as I’d been glued to Riley as a kid, she’d been glued to me. She copied the speed I shoveled cereal into my mouth while watching Saturday morning cartoons. She ran around the entire house like a hysterical puppy looking for me with a flashlight to convince me to play hide and seek with her. She would do random attacks on my skin with an ink pen, then hand me a bar of soap and say, “I’m soap barry”, which translates to “I’m so sorry.” Pretty sure I bruised a rib laughing at that one.
So yeah, that was what I grew up with. I could easily forgive her for walking on my heels and bothering me since that was written in her little sister guide book, but the drugs and the intensity with which she threw her life away... No way. And forgiving myself for turning my back on her for the second it took for the drugs to wrap her up and make her theirs? Never.
I deleted her texts so her stupid picture would disappear from the top and stuffed the phone into my pocket. The rain-soaked air tasted like battery acid. It burned all the way down. I stared off into the night, not really seeing the traffic or hearing the guy’s continued quest to get Reggie’s attention. All of it faded behind Rose and her wish to see me soon.
A single click brought reality rushing back.
“Give it to me, or I blow out your brain,” a deep voice from behind me said.
I froze. My throat clenched and unclenched with the thousands of thoughts sprinting through my head. I’d been so lost with Rose’s texts, I hadn’t even heard footsteps.
A car passed. Through the darkened windows, the driver didn’t even notice me or the man with a gun to my head. I could imagine him standing behind me, all casual so no one would detect him, as if he’d done this many times before.
“Are...” I cleared my throat. “Are you—?”
“Don’t talk. Just move,” he hissed.
Cold metal pressed against the base of my skull. I braced myself for the sound of a gunshot, for the bullet to rip through skin and bone.
Shit. I had to do it. He knew I had exactly what he wanted, had probably been watching me the whole time I’d been here. I wouldn’t be able to work off a debt if I had another hole in my head. I had to give him the money.
But hesitation shook through my hands. Based on the one time I’d done this before on the corner of 131stand Chestnut, it wasn’t supposed to go down like this. At least, I didn’t think so because this didn’t feel right. At all. The money was supposed to go to someone who would drive up in a car. If I didn’t have any money to hand them, then I would be screwed. And Hill would be the one doing the screwing.
