When I hit the back porch, I saw Margot in the kitchen, clearly waiting for me. Super. I walked in and put on a smile,hoping I could do one of those fake-it-till-you-make-it moments and then hit the road. “Hey Margot, how’s the tea party? Is Lorelai part of this too?”
Margot gave me a look that said she wasn’t buying what I was selling. “Lorelai is with Jake; Addie and Sam are in the living room with tea, snacks, andBluey. And now I’m ready to find out what’s going on with you.” She pointed to a stool at the counter. “Sit.”
I debated trying to bullshit her, but one look at her expression told me that would be for naught. I sat.
Margot bustled around the kitchen for a few minutes before putting a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk in front of me. I looked from the snack up to her and tilted my head. I mean, I was all for cookies and milk, but I also wasn’t six.
“I could give you a beer, but when my boys had a lot on their minds and were struggling with being vulnerable human beings and letting it out so someone else could help them carry their burdens, this did the trick.” She gave me an expression that said she dared me to stay silent.
I thought about it for a few beats, but then I was done. I wasn’t done with the events of the day; I was done carrying it all for thirty years, mostly on my own. I could count on one hand the amount of times my parents had asked me to share my troubles with them, and I didn’t even have to think about it. Zero times. Didn’t even need a finger or a thumb.
I’d learned early you got through it all on your own. Mary was there for me in the ways she could be, and without her, who knows how I would have made it. But Mary could only do so much because Lord knew if my parents had seen her showing that she cared about me, they would have told her I needed to toughen up and the real world didn’t care about my feelings.
So today, in Jake and Ivy’s kitchen, I laid them all down. All of it. With tears welling up, I told Margot about everything: the fact that as much as I had already given up on my parents, it hurt to know that I would never have the chance for them to change; my call from work and the decision I had ahead of me; my fear that I wasn’t enough as a dad; my concern that I’d missed out on a chance at a relationship with Jules and didn’t know what I’d done but was worried that I hadn’t been enough.
It all came out. Sitting at the counter, I didn’t feel like a thirty-year-old man but the small boy who had been begging his parents to give a damn about him and had them turn their backs time and time again until he had to find somewhere else to pour his love into the world so that he wouldn’t turn out just like them.
Margot rushed around the counter and wrapped me in her embrace. I sank into it, feeling the love she poured out as she held me and rocked me back and forth, not telling me it would be okay but just allowing me to feel. It was like a dam had been holding back all these emotions, and now they were free and they just needed to be let out. Every exhale felt like another boulder off my chest.
I heard the door open and close behind me, and I assumed it was Ivy, likely concerned about our call from earlier. As I took another deep breath, Margot stepped back and a new pair of arms came around me. I opened my eyes and saw Jules, my Jules. I shook my head, feeling like I’d somehow imagined her. I looked from her to Margot, who raised her hand before I could say a word.
“Noah, you beautiful boy, I think you and Jules need to head to your house and talk. We’ve got Addie. Jake and Ivy can keep her tonight, and you can work out what you need to, but listen to me when I tell you a few things. One, some people aren’t meant to be parents.” My heart thumped, but then she continued. “Getthat look off your face, son. You are the best dad there is. Addie is blessed beyond measure. How you came from the two robots that were your parents from what you said, from what Ivy has told me, is a miracle that we should all thank God for.”
“Or goddess.” Jules spoke up. “Also Mary—Noah had Mary.”
Margot nodded. “Yes, I think we all have a lot to thank Mary for. So it isn’t on you who your parents were. And because you are the caring individual that you are, of course you grieve for what might have been. That also speaks volumes to your nature. Two, jobs are jobs. You can support your passion without giving it your lifeblood. Three”—she nodded toward Jules—“communication is critical. Always. Don’t leave things left unsaid, and always talk before jumping to conclusions. That’s how Sam and I have survived all these years. Grand gestures are for the romance books Jules writes. The real love stories are built on small moments and being heard, over and over, until eternity.”
She stepped forward and kissed my cheek and then looked to Jules. “Remember this for your books, Jules Maxwell Jenkins, the truth is that we all just want to be known by the ones we care about. That’s all, but it’s everything. Now, you two, head on out of here. I have a tea party to attend.”
With that she swanned out of the kitchen to join Sam and Addie. I debated following her if only to see Addie, but I’d seen her this morning, and if I felt like it, I could come back for dinner. Margot was right—I’d jumped to a lot of conclusions with Jules and there was so much I hadn’t said. It was time to remedy that even if I didn’t love her answers.
“What’s going on, Noah?” Jules wiped moisture from my cheeks. “I got home from the hardware store, and Kylie told me someone had come over looking for me but hadn’t left their name. She described you and the direction you’d headed when you left, and I assumed it was you. Then I saw that my phone wasdead and plugged it in to see a ton of missed calls and a few texts. Before I could call you back, Ivy called and said you were here and sounded like something might be up, so I came right away.”
I exhaled. More boulders fell. Jesus. What a day. But this didn’t need to happen here. “Want to go for a walk?”
She tilted her head, trying to read my face. “Your car is here.”
“It’s fine. I need to walk.”
She nodded and stepped back, allowing me to get up. Linking her hand with mine, she headed for the door. Then she paused, spun around, let go, and moved back to the counter to grab two of Margot’s cookies. She handed me one. “Okay, let’s go.”
I laughed, and out we went, eating the goodness that was a chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven.
I steered us in the direction of our houses, and we headed down the quiet afternoon streets of Highland Falls. Brilliant blue late-April sky above was dotted with a few clouds. The trees were budding, and I could see just the beginning of the tulips coming up. Addie would be ecstatic. I didn’t walk far before I started talking.
“It’s been the darkest of days.”
“I can see that.”
I let out a long, measured breath and then spilled out my concerns. I told her about the work call. About the worry in the back of my mind that I wasn’t enough for her. That I was concerned we hadn’t talked enough about what we wanted. That I’d come over and thought she was moving. I told her all of it. I figured if I had this shot, I was going for broke. Finally, in front of a mini park on a side street, I tugged her hand over and sat down on a bench in front of what would be a gorgeous bed of landscaping in just a few months. Right then it just held the promise of what was to come, much like I hoped we did.
“Jules, I don’t know what your future holds. I’m not sure why you’re packing up your house, and I don’t know where you’regoing. I don’t know what my job will be in a few weeks, but I know my place is here with Addie. I can’t leave. If you need to, I won’t hold you back. But I hope you will consider a long-distance relationship because what I realized today while running around this town like a crazy person was that while I thought the job would be the worst thing that could happen to me today, what was ten times harder was coming to the deep understanding that I love two women—one is six and one is sitting in front of me. And I might be pulled in two directions if they aren’t in the same place, but somehow I deeply want to make this work. I haven’t felt a lot of love in my life, but that’s what was buoying me during a horrible week last week. I’m not a fool, and I’m sorry that sometimes I act like one. I know it’s fast and you don’t have to feel the same yet, but I love you and I need you to know it.”
The final boulders fell, and I could breathe freely.
Chapter 29
Feeling That Way
