Noah was back by my side because of course he was. He stood like a silent sentry while I got my thoughts together. Frankly, when I thought about it for a moment, I was tired. Tired of keeping this to myself, tired of keeping it all in.
“Honestly? At first it was just a fun hobby. I started four years ago, and I wasn’t going to publish them. But work was stressful, and this was my way to relax and write the world I wished I lived in.” My heart ached when I thought of that girl because as tired as my mom thought I was months ago when she had me upend my life and move down here, if she’d seen me a few years ago, she would have lost her damn mind. I had not been in a good place and, as Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton said, I was able to write my way out.
“And then?” My mom prodded me, knowing there was more.
I shrugged. “Then I ending up publishing for fun. The books came out fast, and I had four written before I knew what to do with them. I didn’t tell anyone because I figured maybe two or three people might read them and then I’d be done. It was still just something for me, although my friend up in Chicago, Kylie, did know eventually, but we didn’t talk about it much.”
My mom nodded, shocking to anyone who knew her. She stayed quiet and let me finish.
“And then book three went viral on social media when an influencer shared it. People went wild for it and went back and read all three that were out. It became a lot, and I didn’t know how to go back in time and tell people about it now that it was out there.”
I felt the familiar sinking feeling I always did about that time. People thought going viral was fun, but I wondered how many women who actually had would recommend it. My readers were fabulous. But other people online scared and saddened me. I’d learned to avoid comments like the plague. As the goddess Taylor Swift said, our energy was expensive and not everyone deserved it. I was learning that lesson, but it had taken me some time to get there.
“You didn’t want me to ruin it for you.” My mom’s voice held a lot of sadness.
“It wasn’t just that, Mom,” I started to say.
“But that was part of it. I know how I can be.” She stepped forward and grabbed my hand to give it a squeeze before she stepped back with a shrug. “I would have been so excited for you—I’d want to tell the world and see how you were running ads, what your social media campaign was, if you were doing a blog tour—” She held up her hands in a “what are you going to do” gesture. “Sorry, sweetness, it’s the only way I know how to be.”
“Full steam ahead, gas pedal on the floor, one hundred percent of the time.” Dad stepped up and put his arm around her, kissing the top of her head. “But babe.” He nodded to Lou and Verdell at his side. “We would have tried to reel her in.”
I raised my eyebrows and looked at Aunt Lou.
Verdell chuckled. “Well, your dad and I would have tried.”
Lou elbowed him in the stomach and winked at me. “Jules, we’re dang proud of you, whether or not we knew about it from the beginning. And I’m here to say you write somesteamy scenes.Why, Verdell benefited from those, didn’t you dear?”
I slapped my hands over my ears like a child. “Lou! This is another reason you didn’t know before.”
Lou cackled.
My dad looked to the ceiling like he was begging for patience from above. My mom stepped over to her sister and linkedtheir arms together before facing me. “We won’t talk about my thoughts on those scenes, though the fact that I’d already read all of them tells you something.” She winked at me.
I groaned.
“Now.” Lou looked at me with a serious and determined expression, which didn’t really fit her. “How did this impact your stress before you moved down here? Is this what caused the Chicago meltdown?”
“Well, I think you and Mom were right—moving down here was a good idea for me for a multitude of reasons, though I didn’t see it then.” I looked to Noah, and he nodded, telling me to keep going. I stepped from him to Mom and Lou, leading them to the kitchen table so we could sit together for a moment. “Working for that firm was a lot…”
“Those bastards. They didn’t appreciate you.” My mom positively growled. Mama bear was here—watch out. She hadn’t even latched on to the notion that she was right. Amazing.
“Want me to spread rumors about them online?” Lou asked. “I’d be happy to, and so would my friends.”
I shook my head. She was such a menace, but she was ours. “No, Lou. Let’s not send your senior citizen friends into online forums to cause havoc. That’s already happening enough in this world.”
Noah laughed behind us. I turned and saw him standing at the island with my dad and Verdell as they piled food onto plates. Jesus, the Spencers. I needed to wrap this up.
“Anyway, yes, my job was a lot. I was experiencing writer’s block this winter because writing when you know lots of people are reading your books is interesting. I’d seen some negative reviews. And mostly I’ve realized I was lonely. My closest friend was Kylie, but she has a full life beyond me, and I couldn’t ask her to spend all her time at my side—that’s ridiculously needy. The rest of the people in my life were just acquaintances; I’veheard nothing from them since moving.” I sighed. “Trying to do it all was getting exhausting, so you were right—the move was necessary and good for me.” I watched my mom, waiting for her to say “I told you so.” But as she often did, she surprised me.
Looking at my book that was on the table, she said, “Aren’t you selling a lot of copies of these? I have several friends who recommended them to me.”
“Yes,” I replied, not seeing where she was going with this.
She tilted her head and looked at me. “Why are you still working? I know authors don’t make a lot per book, but if you have the numbers of readers I think you are, can’t that replace your accounting salary, or at least most of it?”
My heart beat harder as we hit the topic that I’d been struggling with. “I can replace it, but I wouldn’t want to disappoint Sue—she took a risk with me.” I immediately held up a hand as Lou started to interrupt me. “And I like the security of a salary and health insurance.” Then I gave a nod to Lou, telling her she could speak now.
“Work part-time,” Lou said simply.
