“We got together at the end of college. I think it was more about comfort than attraction.”
“That. Explain what you mean about that.” My heart was beating harder than was normal for a conversation while seated.
He shrugged. “I’m no therapist?—”
“Though you could benefit from seeing one,” I suggested again. It had become a running joke laced with truth.
“So you’ve said. For the two of us to grow up without much in the way of love from the people who were supposed to give a damn about us without question, I think we clung to each other for comfort. Usually that came in the form of friendship, but one night when we were both tipsy, we decided to see if there was more. Then we continued that way for a year, never facing up to the fact that we were attracted to each other as friends, not romantic partners. It was comfortable and even more so because there was an expiration date of when I was heading to Africa.”
“And then came Addie.”
He nodded. “And then came Addie. It was at that point we needed to figure our shit out. Ivy immediately said she wanted to keep the baby, and I was fine with that. She told me I needed to still go overseas like I planned, that our child wasn’t going to live their life having held me back.”
He looked down at his lap and paused. I waited a few beats before reaching over to hold his hand. Somehow it felt necessary. He gave me a reassuring squeeze.
“I will always regret that I didn’t have more to do with Addie’s early life.”
“But—”
He held up a hand. “I know there’s a ton of counterarguments and trust me, I’ve looked at them all. I’m just telling you that regardless of everything, I’ll never get that time back.”
I thought about that. The choices we make define us, good and bad. And, I supposed, this could fall into that category. “Would you change the decision if you could go back?”
Noah looked at me, his eyes narrowing as he seemed to really think for a moment. After a minute or so, he said, “I’ve never really thought about that. Would I choose not to go to Africa?”
I nodded.
He rubbed his free hand over his face. “Hmm… I think I’d still go. I can’t imagine who I’d be if I hadn’t lived there for five years. I mean, that really shaped who I am.”
I gave him a knowing look.
“I hear you. I think what I would change would be to make it a priority to come back more frequently, to have known ahead of time when Ivy would go into labor so I could get back in time, to FaceTime more…”
“Can I say something?”
“Sure.”
“What I hear you saying is that you needed to go to Africa. Yes, you missed out on some memories, but when the tipping point came where the need to be with your family outweighed the good you were doing in Africa, you made the necessary changes. You’re human, Noah. We mess up, and if we’re a decent person, we learn from our mistakes. The best parents are far from perfect.”
He leaned his head against the headrest while watching me. “Do you realize we’ve only known each other for two weeks?”
I mirrored his pose and smiled. “Are you saying you’re sick of me and we’ve spent too much time together?”
“I think you know I’m not. Feels like you’ve been in my life for so much longer.”
“Ditto.”
“So when we get back to Highland Falls, want to come over for dinner?”
I grinned at him. “Absolutely. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”
He leaned forward, placed a kiss on my nose, and then headed out of the vehicle as he talked to me over his shoulder. “I’m counting on that. Now let’s get some coffee. I hear it helps with hangovers.”
“Hey!” I said, climbing out of the car and looking his way. “I resemble that remark, or I did this morning. I’m doing better now and am shocked you weren’t struggling yourself this morning.”
He opened the door for me and shot me a wink. “Never said I wasn’t.”
Well, at least I wasn’t alone.
