“No!” Ivy pulled back, hand to my chest, her eyes narrowing on mine. “Hear me now, Jake. Noah is my friend. He is Addie’s dad. I need some space because as much as I am attracted to you, I need to get my mind straight. I need to understand what you and I are working for, if anything beyond hopping into bed. And I likely need to wrap my brain around where I want my business to go, if anywhere. I can’t do all this right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed. It’s not healthy.” She took a breath and met my gaze, looking as lost as I’d ever seen her. “Can you understand that?”
My heart broke as I took her in. I hated this. Absolutely hated it. And I would give it to her because there was nothing else I could do.
“Ivy, you’re protecting your heart, so of course I get it.” I tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear and leaned forward, brushing my lips across hers. I took a deep breath and continued. “I’ll be here. Take the time you need.”
Ivy laid her head on my chest and let out a huge breath as I wrapped my arms around her. Resting my chin on her head, I wondered how I could protect my own heart when I suspected I’d already lost it to her.
27
Seems We’ve Been Here Before
Ivy
I woke long before Addie, emotion flowing through my veins. I gave myself a brief moment to fantasize what it would be like to wake up next to Jake Spencer, set my mind back to a better place by kissing him and letting nature take its course.
It was a glorious fantasy, but that was all it was.
Jake had honored my request Monday night to give me some time and space, and I hated it.
There was a part of me that wanted him to tell me that I couldn’t get rid of him that easy. What on earth was that about? I mean, I’d hate to be with someone who wouldn’t honor my words, but there was this small part of me that said if he was willing to leave, that was because it was already on his mind.
It was childish thinking, and I knew it.
It was also my reality.
All day Tuesday and Wednesday, I’d watched the door to the bookstore, hoping he’d come through.
Nope.
I simply got a text each morning from him wishing me a good day.
And a detailed email sharing what I needed to do for the Reds event.
And I hadn’t responded.
Because that’s who I’d become. Though I had finished my part of the Reds by scheduling social media posts from now until then and finalizing the head count.
Ugh. I rolled to my back, looking at my ceiling. The creamy white was just starting to warm up with the rising sun. Another hour or so and Ads would be up and I’d have to lock these feelings down. I knew I wasn’t being fair. That was a no-brainer. And yet I couldn’t shut it off.
Watching Jake shut down when Noah joined us had made my walls go up. I didn’t know—I hadn’t known—what we were doing, what we were working toward. For whatever reason, watching him pull away made fear course through me in a way I was unprepared for.
My instinct was to pull back. To protect Addie and me from someone walking away. Again.
Or let’s be real, to protect myself.
This was ridiculous. I was better than this. I couldn’t imagine what my nana would say if she saw me wallowing here like this.
But I would give anything for that conversation.
Sometimes when I allowed myself to feel all the feelings I pushed away, I wondered how I existed in a world void of my nana’s presence.
I told myself she was still here, she was alive in me and in the lessons she left.
But that didn’t help.
I got to keep my parents but lose her.
It seemed like a cruel joke.
